30 March 2002

Wasn't Not At All Funny 1 Chuckle Brothers 0 a weird one today? Seriously weird. I'm not too sure whether this was something to do with the weather or what, but something just didn't feel so, well, there. If you know what I mean? Obviously not. This was one of those games which we usually fuck up on, so it was pretty pleasing that we did win this. In truth, we bossed the game without really getting anywhere. Then we get a free kick, up steps Lionel, and WALLOP. 1-0, and your humble editor tries his hardest not to spill his tea. The rest. Well, er, there wasn't a great deal TBH. Nowland came on and looked kewl. We miss DC. And people STILL hate Koppout.

Inwards and upwards....

Plus points: We won. At Zitburst. Without conceding a goal. Defence looked OK. Nowland will look good, many people impressed by him. Lionel's free kick - stunning. Their sending off, after the attempted rape and buggery foul on Nowland.

Minus points: Have to admit, I was reading Y&B for most of the second half.

The referee's a.......... : Oh christ, what can I write without getting into legal shit? I can't accuse him of giving head to Koppout because I used that one last week. I could say how good he was, but that would be lying. Ah, what the hell - he was a grade "a" cunt who has top diplomas in wankyness and incompetence.

Brighton Womble watch: Now that Woking (of "Woking Watch" fame) has become a model of sobriety and sensible drinking, I was instead asked to keep score on Mr BW (after he got totally legless on Thursday, apparently). He was drinking half a lager and complaining about dodgy beer. Hmm, yes.

Can somebody explain to me : those dancing girls. Why? They're all jailbait anyway, it looks dumb and any attempts to soften the Womble mass into submission by scantily clad females never works anyway. Ask any doctor and they'll tell you that repressed sexual activity results in a more violent reaction to situations. Probably. One other thing - they were called the Genus Girls or something. What, pray, does "Genus" mean? Is it Afrikaans for "bunch of total slappers"?

Quotes: (1) "Bet he scores this" - your esteemed if somewhat humble editor before Lionel's free kick. (2) "This game is a bit like a meaningless end of season game" - un-named Womble on procedings. Urm, perhaps that's because it WAS a meaningless end of season game. For us, anyway. (3) "Not only do we look better without Cooper and Hughes but it makes Koppel even more unpopular" - same un-named Womble again, adopting the SW19 "shit is good" approach to life in general. You've been sitting near me too long.. :)

Rotherham fans: Not that many of them. Not really inclined to singing much either. Oh well.

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) The crowd was sparse, giving a real weirdness to the whole place. (2) Did we REALLY not concede a goal? (3) Being searched for keys and nowt else before entering today. Although I am fully aware that keys if used correctly in a certain way can cause much injury, what's the point unless you're going to steam into Koppout's area and pierce him a hundred times to death? At least they ignored the sniper I sneaked in.

And speaking of our player-selling, suspect slalom ski-ing, "why does everyone hate me?" chairman who really ought to have got the hint by now : He was there, though needless to say, he was "keeping his head down", so to speak. I always knew he swallowed. Apparently, he got some grief in the car park after the game as well. You see Koppout, you really aren't safe at all are you? And did you REALLY go on business last week? Funny how he was allegedly seen in a club at 3am whilst "on business". Wonder what sort of business he's on if he's doing that? On second thoughts, do we really want to know...?

Anything else? Well, in essence, not really. Even the coppers and stewards were being subdued.

So, was it worth it? Yeah, I guess so.

In a nutshell: Booked your Sheff Utd jaunt yet?

 

24 March 2002 [AM EDITION]

Right then - who remembers Villa 7 WFC 1? Some of you, that's good. OK then - who remembers Oldham 6 WFC 2? Not so many of you, that's fine though. If you can't remember what a totally embarrasing defeat feels like, Breadcrumbs 6 Battered 2 will painfully remind you. To sum up proceedings thus : it was pretty even in the first half, both Shipps and Wu Tang leaping like haddock for our goals. Their goals were just us fucking up big time. As for the second half, well, Grimsby just pissed all over us and deserved it totally. What went wrong? Fuck knows, but on this showing I don't think Feuer will be missed somehow. His kicking certainly made Sully's look world class.

You may have noticed we conceded 2 pens BTW. First one was inevitable. Second one would be funny if it wasn't so fucking retarded - basically, Feuer downed the Grimsby player and got the red card. Shane Gore comes on and instantly makes himself a hero by saving the penalty. The referee's assistant instantly makes himself a future victim of a pipe bomb [note to Met: joke] by spotting that Gore moved before the ball was taken. Well, that's a new one on me - I thought that was legal nowadays? Obviously I've been reading the wrong soccer rulebook. Needless to say, Grimsby scored and the rest, as they say, is history....

Meanwhile....

Plus points: First half wasn't bad.

Minus points: Everything else

The referee's a ................... : I sincerely hope he enjoyed his blowjob he received last night from Koppout. I would put something about him dying in a car crash very nastily and painfully but I won't.

The Omen: The MD15 Funbus to Cleethorpes [more later] broke down on the A3 going. Rumours that a black cat was run over and the engine was given three hail marys beforehand are as yet unfounded.

We are the goon squad and we're coming to town, beep beep: Hello kind sirs at the Met police. You may be hearing from CUNW shortly. Also, I thought the way that it needed about 10 Humberside police to look at us after the 5th goal went in was a little bit, er, un-necessary. What are we anyway, IRA terrorists*? Members of Al-Qaeda? Hull fishermen?

* - though I have to admit that making comments about pipe bombs above probably won't help

Spotted: The legendary RJM, not wearing the RJ. And guess what - he's a very modest bloke. He is still walking BTW.

A song for lovers: Let's see what came out of the vocal cords of WFC fans yesterday : needless to say, fish took a large part of it up. "Your mum sells halibut" and "You all live on a trawler on the sea" were aimed at the lovely locals. Also given airings were "he's got the worst bouffant in the Football League" to the demented yarpie, and "You're going down with the Stockport" to them. Them? Well they did give it back to us with "Are you Stockport in disguise?", which considering we are more likely to be playing first division football next season than the Hatters is a bit dumb.

Quotes: Admittedly, this section is becoming quite contrived these days as people have wised up :) Therefore, I will publish only this one - "I'm more into receiving than giving" - the Reefer Womble. No, I wasn't there, but I'm sure that it was taken totally out of context. Well, maybe..........

Point to ponder: Where was KD?

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) Listening to Danny Baker talking about green oranges. Yup.... (2) Are we the first club ever to have three different goalkeepers sent off in one season? (3) I still can't believe that game. Really, I can't. (4) Driving past a Man City car, who subsequently waved the "Koppel Out" banner.

And speaking of everyone's favourite paranoid, swivelled eyed, I-can't-believe-he's-not-human poor excuse of a chairman: He was spotted wearing a yellow tie and a black suit. Great colour combo I don't think. Sitting with Peter Cork, John Lelliott and somebody else, all of whom looked embarrased to be there.

Anyway, let's just test if WFC read this site shall we? Charles Koppel is a useless skier. Like you're surprised. But this doesn't end there (all allegedly of course, and I severely doubt if I should publish this, but what the hell) - when he returned from Austria and being a useless skier this info about him being a useless skier was published on the web. After reading this info about him not being Franz Klammer he immediately summoned the players and gave them all grief, apparently, for spreading the word that his on-piste activities suck just as much as everything else he's ever done. One player in particular was singled out - wonder if this reflected on yesterday's performance?

So then, just to re-iterate : Charles Koppel is a useless skier. Charles Koppel is a useless chairman. Charles Koppel couldn't even run a bath. Charles Koppel is paranoid. As much as I want the shitty slalom sloper to quit the club with immediate effect, there's a growing part of me that wants to see him crack up totally in front of our very eyes. Hey, you fucked with OUR emotions, now it's payback time. Believe it. Oh, and you're still a useless skier

MD15 Funbus: Let's just say the following incidents stick out in my mind (in no particular order): (1) Playing mini-golf in Cleethorpes after the game. (2) Ending up in Lincoln, which on a lovely Sunday lunchtime is one of the nicest places in England. About 9pm on a Saturday when I have had 3 hours sleep the night before, too much Guinness, have to work the next day and see us play like wank, it justifies the term "fucking shithole". Sorry, just needed to say it. (3) Aren't universal petrol caps lovely? (4) Wondering how people can ever eat fish. Especially looking at the North sea. (5) The look on the locals faces when they were reliably informed that their local team won 6-2. And finally, (6) Nicole's Massage Parlour. Nuff sed.

Anything else? Not really. The North of England is still a dump.

So, was it worth it? Need I expand?

In a nutshell: What a load of carp.

One final thing before I go and earn a living, Kelvin Davies is probably on his way to Villa. As detrimental to the team's morale this must be, I for one probably won't be overly upset at his going. People like Gore and Berti don't fill me with dread...

 

 

17 March 2002 [PM EDITION]

OK, I'm back from the land of Paddy Power, and thanks to Tim P, we now have a Stockport report. Enjoy...

 

For the first time since Birmingham City, an enjoyable game at 'home' feeling like the old days in the Premiership when we used to send teams even worse than us down. Dons 3 Downty 1 reminded us what being a football fan was all about: supporting your team to the bitter end and being noble about it if it all goes tits up.

Although they only brought 100 or so the Stockport fans seemed prepared for the worst and enjoyed it when the Grim Reaper, this time in the form of David Connelly, came knocking.

Plus points: Connelly back to form with two goals, the first a cracking 25-yard free kick albeit in an ideal position and the second a neat finish into the corner from 15. Stockport's consolation goal was applauded by all, chuffed that they had something good to cheer about when doing the conga, although the Holmesdale singing "Walking in a John Daly Wonderland" was taking the piss a tad.

Minus points: The despised clueless, soulless and miserable Palace stewards trying to stop 50 or so County fans doing aforementioned conga in the 8000-capacity Arthur Waite. What exactly the danger is I haven't a clue.Ridiculous piece of jobsworthsness.

Referee's a...............: ....invisible man. Didn't notice him at all.

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) Having a goalkeeper coach taking charge of a first-team match after TB's appendix had played up (will he blame that on us too?) [Don't say that, you'll give him ideas - SW19]. Stuart Murdoch did a lot of raving and ranting and even made a good switch (Shipperley on for Aggy). (2) The 20 or so Dutch contingent, a few of which had Feyenoord shirts, who'd come to see Diddy Dave in action. At 2.45pm they must have wondered if they had come to the right place with only about 1000 in the groud. Schtopp! This crowd isn't ready yet.

Soccer AM watch: Apparently 8 bogus Wimbledon fans appeared on Lovejoy's wankfest, all 17-18 from Milton Keynes and thought Dave Bassett was our Cup final boss. One was even called Jonesy....

Anything else?: Singing "Loyal Supporters" to the County fans as they left Shitehurst as they planned their trip to Plymouth.

In a nutshell: Wimbledon Ladies could have beaten that lot.

Was it worth it?: For once, yes.

 

13 March 2002

Sorry that this report is going to be a bit on the brief side, as I'm still packing to go to the land of Tullamore Dew, Richmond sausages and Matalan, and also I decided not to write any notes whatsoever, so here goes. Wasn't Ark Royal 1 Park Royal 2 kewl? Well, it didn't exactly start out kewl, just bloody wet. Very bloody wet as it goes. And they went 1-0 up with a goal which typically I missed. We played OK though, and as they (and the weather) got worse we got better. The runs that we were making got better, and it was no surprise we equalised. And then as for the finishing goal, I can't actually remember it as I ended up in a mass orgy down the front. No tongues though.

So what?

Plus points: A win. Coming from behind again (fnar). Generally played very well.

Minus points: Conceding the goal.

The referee's a.......: I dunno, did he do anything?

God: Dave Beasant. Loved the applause we gave him. Still a hero and he appreciates it.

Git: Quasie (wasn't he some really crappy citrus drink from the 80s?), who mouthed "merchant banker" at a well known Y&B person. Yeah, and I bet you know what it means as well, don't you eh? Twat.

Woking's mum watch: She is STILL after me. Going to try and get me at the Wolves game, apparently...

Quotes: (1) "You've taken your best player off" - Lurch, during the game, on subbing Lionel Morgan. And yes, I heard him. (2) "We want Burton Out" - chant heard after previously mentioned incident. Oh, OK, it was me singing it. I apologise.

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) The first time I can ever recall us winning at Fratton Park. (2) That weather just SUCKED. Anyone else think it would be called off?

Anything else? Yeah, isn't the traffic shite in Pompey?

Was it worth it? A win is a win

In a nutshell: Watch us lose to Stockport.

Anyway, I'm off now, CU all after the Stockport game. And don't do anything I wouldn't do :)

 

9 March 2002

Another game, another contest of complete and utter non-description. Honestly, once again I am struggling to put into sufficient words how utterly dire Forest 0 Trees 0 was. It actually had all the hallmarks of an end-of-season snoozefest, which considering the actual season ends in little over five weeks time is probably no major surprise. The sad thing is, it all started off quite promisingly : Forest had a major attack which they bodged up. We broke away and hit the post. And, er, that was it. Anyone who turned up after the first two minutes should have asked for their money back. Come to think of it, those there for the full 90 should be considering refunds.

I suppose I ought to continue...

Plus points: Well we didn't actually lose, did we? And we kept a clean sheet. Adam Nowland debuted and looked pretty lively - better than Wu Tang, perhaps.

Minus points: Didn't score. Pretty much everything else.

Absolutely major minus point: DC losing his brain and aiming a swipe at the Forest player. This after we got a free kick and there was a tussle. Cost us the chance of all three points? Probably.

The referee's a....... : Actually, he weren't bad. Let play continue certainly, especially when Forest players were down injured.

Woking watch: Woking reliably informs me that his mum is after me. Gulp.

Vocals: Man, it was DEAD. Even our repetoire was muted. In fact, the whole atmosphere was really really weird. I sat there today, and at least once I thought, "why?"

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) I don't care how many times I say it - Forest have fallen much, MUCH further than we have in a short space of time. (2) As mentioned above, the whole place felt decidely strange (3) Forest got their third or fourth biggest gate of the season today. All together now - "come to see the Wombles, you must have come to see the Wombles". Ahem. (4) Did a well known Y&B associated Womble really spend the time before the game looking for a barber's shop around Nottingham?

Weather with you: Fuck it was cold. And wet. And very bright. And windy. And wet. And very bright. And windy. And cold. And very bright. And wet. And windy. And very bright. And cold. And wet. And very bright. And wet. And windy. And have I said how cold it was?

Anything else? Yeah, somebody (mentioning no names) has a quote about the contents of my wallet. I offer no comment.

Was it worth it? Guess

In a nutshell: See you at Pompey.

 

7 March 2002

And after the debacle of West Brom at the shithole that doesn't have concrete bovine, comes a slightly more pleasing performance : Owls 1 Nighthawks 2 was probably what you should expect from us. Much better performance than previous, but then we are playing away from SP. So, what went right for once? Few things - one, we started to play a little more direct (obviously TB is like Jesus - he didn't like crosses much either), though we fuck about with it far too much for my unsophisticated liking. Two, Wednesday are utter shite. Three, I think the criticisms have galvanised the team a little bit. Funny that.

 

Shall we?

Plus points: A win. Away. Generally much more improved. Defence (apart from their goal) looked sound. DC scoring - must have been a major confidence boost.

Minus points: Their goal - our defence acted like it was in a coma.

Funny: The own goal which gave us the win. All right, so it wasn't exactly on a par with Noel Blake's, ahem, efforts in the past, but it still rawked.

Not so funny: That fucking annoying Wednesday band. As we all know, that band is presented to us by anally retentitive piles of shit like Soccer AM as "fun" and how whacky football fans are, so naturally SW19 wishes all of them to somehow forget to play them in future. It was decided by us to form our own band sans instruments. I took up the mock Johnny Cash guitar, an imaginary drum was imaginarily banged and an invisible flute was played. Renaissance, eat your heart out. Saw them coming outside afterwards BTW. And no, I didn't.

Definitely not funny: Leaving the ground and walking through that Leppings Lane tunnel. What a black museum piece. You would have thought that Wednesday would have least pulled that stand down, though of course that would cost money. And hey, they have to spend the money on far more important things like over-expensive players in order to impress Sky TV. Hell, it took them long enough to put up a measly little plaque outside the ground...

Woking watch: Back by popular demand. The man who Boris Yeltsin modelled himself on was seen consuming - get this - FIVE sausage rolls. Hmm, bit of an addictive personality there, eh? All together now, "No to sausage, no to sausage..."

Salutations to our new readers: SW19 is now read and enjoyed by the Met Police. Hello kind sirs. And CUNW sends his sincere personal greetings :)

NOTE: SW19's ARMY would like to announce that despite the Met reading this site the tone and attitude of these scribings will not be compromised in any way shape or form. Primarily because I have a duty to the downtrodden Womble to maintain my radical thought provoking stance on most WFC issues, but also because if I toned it down the Met will start getting suspicious. Oh, and hello again Mr Policeman.

Sing me a song, you're a singer: Due to the aboveformentioned wankyness of the Sheff Weds band, getting non-manufactured singing was quite tricky, so.... "Deeeano, Deeeano, Koppel's scum and he let you go" in reference to Bambi, "You're not banging anymore" from us to them when we scored our first. Also, there was a song about Koppel's wife but let's not go there.

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) Coming from behind to win a game. When was the last time that happened? (2) Me actually bothering about the result and how we played. Look, I know that people's collective interest in WFC and football is at an all time low point - mine certainly is - but on occasions, I really need to sit down (or stand up) and remind myself why I do this. I'll go back to being miserable for Forest. (3) Weird incident in a Sheffield offy - one Womble, talking in phone about some clean yet somewhat saucy behaviour was openly threated by a Sheff Weds fan "not to swear in front of my fucking kid". He then threatened to sort out "that bollocks" out side, then proceded to buy a can of lager. Hmm, obviously swearing, violence and alcoholism is acceptable role model behaviour in Yorkshire then.

Anything else? Hmm, heard something interesting yesterday. Won't say what it is though.

Was it worth it? Well, yeah, I guess so.

In a nutshell: Better. Now sort it out off the pitch.

 

2 March 2002

Now, your editor is usually a timid, meek, easy going liberal kind of guy, but today I metamorphised into a militant anarchist, and made a snarling invasion into the Main Stand to officially witness Thrush 0 Throstles 1. Needless to say, there were LOADS of nervous stewards and coppers, and the reason why you have a picture of the showers in the men's toilets - don't ask why - instead of the game is because I was warned in no uncertain terms not to take any pics of the game. Indeed, the whole atmosphere was very, very oppressive and did leave me with a seriously nasty taste in my mouth. Now, I only made the decision to go into the Main Stand at 2.30pm and I won't divulge further details of how I got in but the turnout in there was large enough to make a statement but small enough to be treated as a hardcore renegade outfit intent on mayhem and destruction. Sort of.

So, why were me and a few other subversives there? To give Koppout grief, naturelment. Word as you probably know was that it was going to happen, personally I'm still not sure of the wisdom of broadcasting it on popular websites and even the Wimbledon News but there you go. Now, I used to go into the Main Stand yonks ago, and needless to say, it hasn't changed : the atmosphere is still wank and there are still too many pilars about. Indeed, the intended chants were quite difficult to get really going because of the general graveyard mentality there still, but the stewards really were looking for trouble. Still, people supported us, even the Baggies who got in there. Did it have any effect on those it was meant to? Read on.

The game itself, look at something like the Official Site :)

Onwards...

Plus points: Were there any?

Minus points: WFC in general at the moment is a major minus point.

Is this a football stadium or a concentration camp?: That atmosphere in there was poisonous. Even my dad commented about how nasty it all seemed - he himself had a row with a steward over lighting a cigarette after the game. It is obvious that WFC's contempt/paranoia/fear (delete as applicable) has reached levels I didn't think were possible. The sheer over-reacting is now un-natural. Do we REALLY scare them that much? Trust me, today I really kept my head down because I could just feel somebody wanting to get into us. Dunno what it was like in the Holmesdale - anyone?

WISA Chairman watch: No, not Woking watch but the esteemed Mr K Stewart, who seemed a little bit, well, boisterous. Was spoken to by the chief steward after playing musical chairs in the stand. Wasn't seen afterwards, maybe he managed to beat off all contenders and get the last seat.

Quotes: (1) "We're waiting for you to play up so we can throw you out" - copper to CUNW in the TF before the game. No, he didn't join us in the Main Stand, he's not that dumb. (2) "He's more ugly than you" - same copper to me after I asked him if I was going to be thrown out instead. About CUNW again, though I do worry whenever coppers don't find you ugly. Wonder if he was going to let me have a nice feel of his helmet? (3) "You're corned beef" - term of abuse about somebody being deaf. No, I don't get it either - see what the oppressive atmosphere does to everyone's brains?

Chants would be a fine thing: Us vs the real enemy today. Try these : "Swiv swivelly, swiv swivelly, swiv swiv sheroo, your name's Charles Koppel and we don't trust you", "Be peaceful if you hate Koppel", and in a reverencial nod towards the West Brom fans, "Boing boing Koppel out". Rather disappointingly, Koppout didn't respond with any chants of his own. Probably a secret Palace fan.

Speaking of Palace: 5-2 wasn't it?

West Brom fans: Good turnout by them. Three Koppel Out posters spotted in the front row of the Arthur Waite. Which is amazing considering that they were being stripped from them before they were entering the ground. One Baggie fan reportedly was close to being arrested for taking a banner inside the ground. And you think I'm joking when I likened the atmosphere to being like a concentration camp. You know, I've always liked West Brom.......

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) Watching an Italian player converting a penalty from 50 yards away in the rugby. I bet half today's soccer players couldn't even convert with the same amount of accuracy from 50mm away. (2) Was the game today so bad that I couldn't tell you of one single incident?

And the person you love to despise....... : OK, let's see what he got up to today. Came in late, left early. Arrived 10 minutes into the second half and was not seen late on. Did the invasion today have any effect? Yes it did, the guy looked genuinely worried at our collective presence. And let's face it, his sheer fear of everyone reflects the heavyhandedness of the whole SP matchday experience ATM. A psychologist would have a field day with him

Speaking of Koppout, this was the first time since that fateful day in August when I have actually seen him in the flesh. Now, even if MK was dead and buried, he just looks like the kind of bloke who you would want to ram a screwdriver into. Or douse in acid. Or rub sandpaper over his face until it bleeds. Or give a chinese burn around the neck to. Wouldn't want to ram any object up his arse though, that would really make his eyes swivel.

Y&B: Found out today why even though I have photographs in there I haven't been credited with them. Reason understood and appreciated.

Anything else? Not really.

So, was it worth it? Well, I'd forgotten what the Main Stand was like.

In a nutshell: Something, somewhere, is going to give....