26 April 2003

Another game, another victim. This time, Osbournes 3 Waltons 0 was your 90 minutes of entertainment with a hat-trick from the AFCW Player Of The Year - I checked through all the nominations :) - Lee Sidwell, who contributed to the burgoning match ball cost. The scoreline TBH did look a little bit flattering : your humble and esteemed editor managed to make it late for kickoff by 1 minute, and apparently Casuals had about 2 (semi) attempts on target. Well, they made it into our half and shot at goal I guess, which is more than many other teams. The turning point of the game was undoubtedly the sending off of their player and Matt Everard, who sadly looked decidedly limp and of no use to anyone whatsoever. Up until then, both teams had decidedly shite defending taken the game to each other a bit. However, with both teams down to 10 men, we upped the ante and they upped the shiteness.

After that, it was all a bit one sided, though our shooting was about as effective as treatment for the SARS virus. Cooper didn't look half the player he was and is it me or does Sheerin look permanently knackered? Oh well, despite the other AFCW and W2K bribing their way to yet more victories, we will finish strongly this season.

The rest of it?

Plus points: We won. Again. Clean sheet. Again. Sidwell hatrick. For once. Another potentially damaging hurdle overcome. Going up a gear after being 10 men instead of 11.

Minus points: Guess our defence must go to sleep sometimes

The referee's a .......... : Erratic. That's all I'm prepared to say. Coincidentally, we could have had Mr Fish, the legendary G&G away referee. You know, the man who managed to play about 20 minutes of injury time in the second half. Well, thankfully, we didn't get him, though that's a qualified "thankfully".

Female of the species: No, not our female fanbase, lovely as they are (says he fully aware of the capabilities of the average lady Womble) but instead our new recently aquired women's team made themselves known to all and sundry. Were given some suspiciously cheap looking t-shirts (which didn't half look like those AFCW ones that advertised pre-season games last year), they were spotted being looked after by a steward or two in the Main Stand. No idea how many times said steward(s) offered to frisk them for offensive weapons. Obvious smutty comments aside, this is a major coup for AFCW, getting them off Franchise (and boy, does the Franchise OS look pissed off having to mention AFCW by name), so if you're bored on a Sunday morning, it might be worth getting down to have a look at the girlies. They certainly could beat Viking Greenford.

And all this for a poxy stadium in SW London: The much vaunted "Leap Of Faith" is tomorrow, so it was quite interesting to see some lambs to the slaughter participants and their, ahem, hinged outlook on proceedings tomorrow. Fred W Paine is already looking forward to an increase in its share price as from Monday. SW19 is currently racking its brain for future suicidal fundraising exercises. Proposals thus far include sponsored javelin catching at the athletics track next door, pirahna feeding, walking around Elephant and Castle after 9pm and sponsored eating at Little Chef restaurants.

Steward bashing time: Yup, haven't had this for a while, and it did liven my guestbook up last time I did it :) So..... after the first goal, a young male, whether he was about 11 or 21 was unclear, was seen running about quite excitedly with other youths in front of the main stand (behind the barrier). As kids do. Anyway, one of the fluorescent jackets accosted said individual and promptly let him away. Why? Dunno, he didn't appear to be doing any harm, and while our stewards (who I do genuinely like BTW, they don't even mind me yelling "Scab" at them every time I see them) do generally seem to have veered away from Selhurstisation, there does occasionally seem to be a pocket of resistance about on occasions. Could be wrong of course.....

Them: Not the worst team seen at Ks to be fair. Their goalie, one Daniel Wheeler, didn't half get it though. I've no idea what happened in the first half but everyone was yelling "Squeeze" a lot, calling him a "wanker" and - when he did something painful to his thigh - was treated with as much sympathy as finding Peter Wankelmann choking on some Lemsip. Craig Carley, ex-AFCW stalwart, was given a nice friendly welcome of "Should have stayed at a big club".....

Point to ponder: Is Gareth Graham our new Gareth Ainsworth? Full of potential and full of hospital appointments as well. There are cluster-bomb victims in Iraq that seem to spend less time on the treatment table.

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) Joe Sheerin was involved in a car accident today before the game. He wasn't badly hurt BTW. (2) This was the last Saturday home game of the season. Seriously. Where has the season gone? (3) Finding out that Simon Bassey is a drinking partner of, er, Ben Thatcher. Ulp. (4) Morecambe and Wise being played at the end of the game. Sadly, no dancing.

Franchise FC watch: They beat Ipswich 5-1, and the first time in their history that they've ever beaten the Portman Road club. Like you're bothered.

Anything else? Yeah, if you haven't voted for your humble and esteemed editor to be on the WISA committee for a second year (if you're amazed how long I've lasted....), do so. Also, you will have noticed that the Archive feature has returned. Be patient now...

So, was it worth it? No more than usual. At least it didn't rain

In a nutshell: Now, about this Ryman League invitation.....

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21 April 2003

When there are derby games, there will always be matches where one side proves its domination over the other that will be forever recorded and recalled whenever necessary. For example, Celtic 6 Rangers 2 springs to mind. And Celtic 7 Rangers 1. And... (can you see where this is heading yet?). Anyway, we can now add SW20 0 SW19 5 to this list of honours. This was a rout. A stuffing, no less. No longer shall we have to put up with the Grand Dive strutting around pretending they're Merton's Pride Of The CCL. For today, we came, we saw, we conquered, and we are the true team of Merton (conveniently forgetting T&M). And no, I am NOT trying to manufacture a rivalry. Tsh, some people.....

The game? Oh, all right then. It really was one-sided. After having more corners than the Viking Greenford game and Hampton Court maze put together, we finally netted through SW19's player of the year, one M Everard. A nice tantilising rise that is so his trademark, giving all the ladies in the place a special Easter treat. Second goal? Robbo's free kick was sublime. SSK eat your heart out. Third goal was a goodun, with a nice little bundle of their player in the buildup. Can't remember the other two goals, but we should have deffo netted a sixth. All in all, a good holiday period that even Jesus Christ himself would have resurrected himself for.

Moving forward...

Plus points: Winning. Winning good. Against that lot. Without conceding a goal to boot. All-round team performance yet again. Putting more shots than an Iraqi demonstration.

Minus points: Should have been more. And I HATE morning kickoffs

The referee's a ...... : OK, did anyone notice him? I didn't, though I bet some smart arse does.

Them: Oh boy, where do I start? I suppose I ought to say that they are the annoying kid brother of Merton football, who while you're trying to act more sophisticated in front of a rather attractive woman with a nice arse comes in wearing fading Spiderman underpants and starts farting profusely, leaving a rather chocolately stain everywhere and a somewhat mischievious grin, but I won't. Instead, I'll ask why they froze so much. Seriously, for them it was a biggun, probably more big than all the other teams in the CCL. And they just looked, well, ordinary. Go figure. They did get into it after being 4-0 down, though I think we'd stopped to have a cup of tea and an easter egg at that time, and they did get the ball over the line for a legit goal, which the lino missed. But who cares about that? I don't.

Sing for your supper: Again, don't think morning kickoffs are fun, Ash felt pretty toilet for partly this reason and today was pretty muted. Still, "One team in Merton" got an airing, as did "Are you Palace in disguise?". Some Celsi dickhead (are there any other sorts of Celsi fan?) started larging it and got it in the mouth (no, not like that). Kept quiet afterwards...

Point to ponder: Seriously, wasn't it quiet? Can't think why..................

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) The obvious one - why is the first Merton derby in 200 zillion years being played OUTSIDE the borough? Answers on a postcard c/o London Borough of Merton, Crown House, Morden SM4, where they will be discarded or used as rollup material. (2) Why was I so nervous/tense before this one? It deffo had a vibe to it, this game. (3) Your humble and esteemed editor shouting "take a shot" to Robbo before the second goal.

Hey man, nice Shot: After the game, I went to watch Aldershot get promoted at GGL. They're now in the Conference, which is a nice blueprint for us, shows what we can do if we're patient enough. About 10 or so AFCW fans there, hands shaken, "good luck" comments exchanged. No bodily fluids though, thankfully. Even asked us for a song. The sight of a flare being lit up then taken by nice Mr Policeman to the back of the terrace and extinguished (30 seconds later) was something else. Game itself was crap, and if I was drunk I would say that we could have beaten both teams on the GGL pitch today....

Franchise FC watch: Won 2-0. Yawn. Got about 1053. Double yawn. They ain't going up and it's got boring all this slagging off. Could retire this section now but it's not too long till it ends for them. And the season.

Anything else? Yeah, am I the only one disappointed at it only being 2000 odd people there?

So, was it worth it? Does Charles Koppel have sex with horses?

In a nutshell: Here endeth the first lesson

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19 April 2003

Holy share issues, was Normans 5 Vikings 0 bloody freezing or what? Jesus christ, from temperatures higher than Cairo to a wind chill that wouldn't have looked out of place in various parts of Canada. Just what is up with the weather these days? I blame Koppel. As for the game, probably predictable I suppose, Viking really are shit. We had zillions of corners, with Everard rising up tantilisingly twice in one session to give us a major spurt in the scoring stakes. Ahem. Sidwell did it again on 46 minutes, namely coming out and scoring. What does TE put in his tea? More to the point, is it legal? Fourth goal, OK, I missed it, but then so did their keeper. Had a mix of Noel Blake and Lurch at Mansfield 88 about it. No doubt the end-of-season video will have a permanent replay feature on that one incident alone, I don't think I have ever heard a goal greeted with so much laughter. Oh, and the fifth goal came from another corner. Good header as well. 3 more points and our march towards third second shows no sign of slowing down. Hopefully.

Anyway, enough of that boring shite, here's the important stuff:

Plus points: Scoring 5. Conceding none. All round good play. Potential banana skin overcome without slipping.

Minus points: Too much bloody poncing about at times

The referee's a......... : Oh dear. Seemed to have only just picked up a refereeing manual that he got for his birthday. Proceded to move the ball some ten yards back from original offence committed, and not on just one occasion either. Would say that the referee had as much positional sense as a blind basset hound but that would be unfair on the sight-challenged long-eared canine. Oh, and the linesman looked about 115 years old. Ran like someone that age as well

Them: Very accomodating, bent over obediently for us and enjoyed the experience to boot. Goalie actually had a good game for them, minus the somewhat suspect handling for the fourth goal (haha) and his kicking was pretty wank. Their #16 was a big fucker though. Seriously, he looked massive, and I was seriously hoping that there were no potholes caused by WW2 bombs on the Ks surface. There could have been one hell of a nasty incident. And I'm sure the last time I saw somebody like him, he was trying to throw me out of a nightclub.

Woking watch: Update on last week of our non-vodka drinking legend. He ended up after the Westfield game in, er, Wimbledon. Proceded to have an argument with two Celsi fans to boot. Oh, and nice trainers.

Song sung blue: Bit quiet today, though I was up the hardcore Athletics End as usual, no West Bank bollocks here. Usual anti-Celsi/Palace/MK stuff, naturelment, though no obvious CS being sung. Shame. Some good uns though beforehand, a rendition of "We're gonna score in a minute" was reproduced. Nothing so unusual in that expect that it was 10 seconds before the game started. Also, singing "We want 10" after scoring our first goal was pushing it a bit. Will 5 do you?

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) Was that the sound of the Main Stand doing some vocalising today? (2) Bassey going off injured and the Viking player responsible still walking as of 4.45pm. No further updates available. (3) Was that the Grolsch stand making a noise for the first time since time began? Or did somebody accidentally spill some Ovaltine on their nice new Farahs? (4) That cold wind. Sorry, just needed to be said. (5) The unusual sight of Dr Lee Willett standing in front of the Main Stand and NOT being eyed up by nice Mr Policeman.

Franchise FC watch: For the dwindling amount of people who care what they do (which is still sizeably more than those who still go there), they lost 2-1 at Stoke. Now Palace are above them, you know, managerless Palace. No idea how many gimps went up there, but Murdick was complaining that Stoke had loads of fans and Franchise had none. See, even those who go are now being ignored. Time to see the light, fellas, and join the AFCW Goodtime Locomotive of Love. Or shoot yourself.

Anything else? Yeah, why is Matt Everard's music whenever he scores so utterly, utterly, rancid? It makes the Birdie Song sound like Mozart. Honestly, it's so bad even Kiss FM wouldn't play it.

So, was it worth it? Suppose so

In a nutshell: Keep on plundering....

 

Oh, and there was a meeting today. I didn't go to it, but it appears that we'll be playing Watford at Ks in a pre-season friendly. Something about share issues as well, but if you want accurate information about the club, go to the OS :)

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12 April 2003

So, what was the main talking point of Western Front 0 Somme 4? The march towards, er, second? The goals? High drama? Nope on all three accounts. The main talking point was Woking's main stand, as displayed to your right. A beautiful structure based on contemporary mid-90s steel and plastic, with a viewing platform as steep as Everest, it was advisable not to learn forward at any time lest an individual toppled and fell. It was like old times, and indeed was treated as old times. Good view, though with all modern and sanitised stadia it had modern and sanitised attitudes to boot. And the rest of their ground looked a bit non-league as well. Never mind, at least it had "WFC" on the seats.

As for the game itself, to be honest it was a bit embarrasingly one-sided. They seemed to have as many holes in their defence as the Republican Guard and had as much control as they do. Amazingly, it was only 1-0 at half time, this a corner by goal scoring maestro and all round poser Coops, who naturally scored with his feet. Second half Westfield realised their place and more or less capitulated. I managed to miss two of the goals due to me not paying attention as usual, so you'll have to fill in the gaps yourself. If you weren't there, just imagine a couple of 30 yarders.

Rest of it?

Plus points: We won. Away. Again. Without conceding a goal. Professional performance. All round good play. Defence looked solid for once. Could have scored a couple more.

Minus points: Were there any?

The referee's a ........ : Actually, I didn't notice him at all, which is a very good sign. Christ, what are things coming to when I can't even find fault with the ref? Oh yeah, his linesman was a bit slow in putting up his flag.

Them: Do they have some sort of tie-up with Woking FC? Reportedly wearing the Conference side's old kit. Nice club bar, all round pretty pleasant people. Their #3 did a fantastic bit of petulance after conceding a corner, which got him booked. He really didn't have a good game at all - shame, though he can boast to his mates at work that he's now played AFCW.

Everyone's a wally: They lost 3-0 to Walton Casuals, and we are now one single point behind them. Please do not laugh. Sadly, W2K won as well.

Sing for your supper: Oh boy, there were some good ones today. Remember the stand as mentioned above? Well, when were you ever going to hear "Stand up if you love the Dons" again? But it really did happen, and it felt like old times. Minus the £18 entrance fee of course. Christ, I'm sure I heard a "Sit down, shut up" harmony as well. Second half, things really did get going : plenty of anti-Celsi, with a couple of CS variants thrown in for good measure. Look, I like that song, and plenty others do, OK? Then it really did get a bit Crewe away 2001/02 - nope, no Motorhead from yours truely but there was "Close To You" sung with enough gusto and passion to bring a tear to the eye. Either that or it was so sung so bloody awfully that it could have made anyone cry. Another song ready to tug at your heartstrings was the "He loves his hair" Jerusalem version sung about Mr K Cooper. Personally, I think his hair looks greasy. The somewhat dangerous "We are going up" was aired, watch us finish third now :( Special mention goes to our good friend, their #3, who was treated to a kind "Number three, wank wank wank" complete with carefully choreographed wrist movements. It's the way we sing em...

Point to ponder: Have to admit that I never thought I would ever say this, given past SW19 comments, but I really do think that terracing is better than seating. Why? Well, something didn't feel right sitting down in that stand. Sure, there was plenty of humour about it, but really, it's not really right is it? Hell, I'm certain the person sitting next to me told me to sit down and shut up, it'll never happen..

Woking watch: Yes, Woking watch is back for this special one off. Our favourite non-vodka drinking pilar of sobriety and high moral standards reportedly failed to find the correct public house with the rest of his drinking buddies - not so unusual except that Woking was in his home town. Woking and said drinking chums (hello sirs) were also asked to leave the big stand for standing up, and a slight discussion with a suited-and-blazered jobsworth safety officer meant the whole Woking posse had to leave. First division structures with first division attitudes, plus ca change. We have no idea what happened to Woking afterwards, though we are pretty certain that it would have been clean living and wholesome.

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) Me being asked if I was actually concentrating on the game for once. The answer is in the narrative above :) (2) Did I see Kevin Cooper actually HEAD the ball? Apparently, it happened really subtly and most people missed it, as it was in one of the corners. We are awaiting video confirmation. (3) Overhearing Kris Stewart saying "I'm so out of touch". At last, a football chairman admits the truth.... (4) There was a deffo feeling of one of the pre-season friendlies for this game. Minus the result, of course. (5) Coming back on the A3 (in association with FW Paine), about one in three cars overtaken by the SW19mobile had some sort of AFCW merchandise on it. It really did have a feel of the old late 80s about it, best described as a "bond". And it is, it feels good. Which of course can't be said for....

Franchise FC watch: Lost 2-0 to Derby. Guffaw. In front of less than 2000. Chortle. Which means their playoff hopes are as good as dead. Bwahaha. There was a meeting held in the phonebooth outside the SP Total garage for all their fans and Koppout today. I don't doubt that finding out what this meeting is about will be as difficult as finding out where the Iraqi Information Minister is holed up but wouldn't it be funny if Rent Boy swivelled in and told the 10 people there that their support was no longer required...

Also, appears that Koppout's business partner and bum chum Fat Nazi Hauger is now Stateside....

Anything else? Yeah, was there REALLY only 1500 or so there? Felt a lot more to me.

So, was it worth it? Guess so.

In a nutshell: Watch out Wallies.

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5 April 2003

Bit of an SW19 exclusive for you for starters. Today, I had the offer of leaving the glamour of the CCL and to take up a position in an executive box to watch the delights of Totteringham Hotspurz vs Brum City. As a service and personal sacrifice to my loyal and trusting readership, all two of you, I didn't go (note: this was nothing to do with the fact that it was Spurz and would rather have swallowed schrapnel). However, a couple of others I know did. Transpires that one of the Spurz fans there, lifelong Poxyton Road ender, probably loves Glen Hoddle etc etc knows quite a bit about what's going on. Transpires that Franchises' proposed glamour friendly is set to be boycotted by quite a few loyal Spurz fans.....

Anyway, whilst that's being chewed over, wasn't Lawn 1 Green 0 an exhibition of skill, flair, excitement and talent? No, you're right, it wasn't. Mind you, after the fun and games of Wallingford last week, it was a bit post-Lord Mayor's Show. Suppose we couldn't really complain I guess, we could have quite easily become a cropper in these sort of games. That said, had our shooting contained as much impact as an Iraqi suicide bomber we could have easily scored 7 or 8. As it stood, we more or less dominated, and it wasn't really surprising when directly after half time Sidwell netted. We hit the post a couple of times, that sort of thing. Keeps us in touch with whoever is ahead of us.....

Meanwhile..

Plus points: We won. Potential banana skin overcome. Clean sheet to boot. Good attacking.

Minus points: Ball. Net.

The referee's a ........ : Expertly described thus : "He was a bit of a sensitive soul, and he got hurt whenever anyone said anything". May explain why the Frimley player got sent off for foul and abusive language, although I would wager that the player merely asked the referee what game he was watching.

Them: You know how most teams who play us treat it like a cup final? Well, FG were no exception, insofar as they all came kitted out in exactly the same formal wear bought specially for the occasion. Doubtless Moss Bros in Farnborough High Street had a job lot of black suits knocking about. Major kudos goes to the FG goalie who told your humble and esteemed editor that he was in fact an Arsenil fan (that's the FG goalie who's an Arse fan, not me) after clapping anti-Spurz songs.

And, er, speaking of singing: Lots of chants today, predominantly of the anti-CK/MK variety. It was a dull game. Further ditties vocally expressed were "If you still hate Crystal Palace", where plenty of people clapped. No, I didn't, what's the point? Anti-Spurz (see above) and Celsi got nice airings to boot, along with of course the Champagne Song. I await the first complaints on the content. Keeping it more contemporary, "Frimley keeper is our mate, he hates Tottenham" went down well, as did "You're just a darts team from Surrey". Special mention to the mild-mannered Main Stand, who went back to their usual comatose state after last week's PISAing.

Weather or not I agree with you...: Warm. Well, OK, I shouldn't have worn my Canadian leather but still. Mind you, the Athletics End still manages to be 5 degrees cooler than anywhere else.

Salutations: To the people behind me in the first half who wondered why I was writing stuff down......

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) First ball lost after 20 minutes. Normally, we lose 4 by this time. Sort it out. (2) The standard of the kids penalty shootout matching the standard of the first team. Coincidentally, which well known Womble hoolie's offspring gave a two fingered salute to our fans after he scored a penalty? Little acorns, and all that. (3) "I Love Eamo" t-shirts being sold. What's the betting TE will quit tomorrow? :) (4) Being totally dis-interested in the Grand National. Who won anyway? And don't say "a horse".

Point to ponder: Spotted it in the back bar beforehand, and also in the kids penalty shootout - the amount of youngsters sporting AFCW clobber is something quite pleasing. Not to mention quite astounding. Seriously, how do we do it? I've heard stories of big clubs (Leeds has been named) where there are NO youngsters to be seen. And speaking of the absence of human life...

Franchise FC watch: Lost 4-2 to the bottom club. Guffaw. Can I really be arsed to write much more about them? After all, nobody seemed that bothered about finding out ANYTHING on what they were doing during our game today, so I don't think I'll trouble that much more until they manage to annoy me sufficiently.

Anything else? Yeah. W2K beat AFC Wallies 3-1....

So, was it worth it? Um, suppose so. It was a nice sunny spring day, the birds were singing, the trees a-rustling in the April breeze...

In a nutshell: Keep on keeping on