NEWS

26 February 2003

Well, at least we get back on track with Chess 1 Backgammon 3 and I suppose another comprehensive defeat of a team who we really should be, er, comprehensively beating. Suffice to say, we did most of the running, passing shooting and scoring. 2-0 up by half time, including a good strike by Bolger. In the second half, to nobody's surprise whatsoever, we went 3-0 up. More surprisingly, Joe Sheerin (fast becoming the scapegoat amongst some) netted. Also unsurprisingly was the way we took our feet off the pedal, and in a move as embarrasing as a Government parliamentary revolt on Iraq, we let them in. 3-1. No, don't ask me what their goal was like. We all missed it : hey, you mean I watch football?

And so, we must move on....

Plus points: We won. Comprehensive performance all round. Everhard and his permanent stiffy performed stoutly. Good passing.

Minus points: Conceding a goal.

The referee's a .......: Well blow me, did he book anyone?

Them: I suppose when you're borrowing somebody else's ground it's hard to figure out how happy they are at you. Guess they must be OK with us. They looked like Celtic.

Point to ponder: Can we ever win a game like 8-0? Please? Oh go on, just this once....

And you thought Saddam Hussain was brutal: Withdean are playing Southall on Saturday. I understand that this game is going to be filmed and put on release. You will however have to search for it a bit, but it is likely to be next to the videos of cock-fighting , bare knuckle boxing contest, "101 Goriest Motorway Fatalities" and uncut footage of the Chechnya war.

We are the goon squad and we're coming to town, beep beep: So, any reason why we needed about 10 coppers there? Hell, they only needed three just to clear the traffic

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) Your humble and esteemed editor inbetween two arch nemises (ie stewards) and getting away with it. Occasional punch notwithstanding. (2) How cold did it get? (3) Chessington had a player called Dave Beasant playing. Serious. (4) Very late kickoff.

Hello mum: Fun and games tonight. Like interesting acts being performed at half time in the bar, and why one steward's main insult was "tart" to everyone.

Anything else? Yeah, Joe Sheerin scored (worth mentioning again) and I've forgotten how tiring late nite match reports can be :)

So, was it worth it? Guess so.

In a nutshell: Keep winning

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22 February 2003

Once again, and with depressing predictability, we blow our big game big time. This time, 1889 0 2000 2 was the order of the day, and we just can't seem to shoot. Let's face it, there's more chance of Peter Tatchell finally sorting out Robert Mugabe than us winning a game where we decide to use a direct style for the small men up front. The first goal came when Shimms decided that instead of picking the ball up he would play pat-a-cake with it, ending up with a highly inventive method of picking it up (hint: next time, try picking the ball up rather than the player's leg). Penalty, and to be honest we were lucky we weren't down to 10 men.

So, what then? Well, it then got a bit fruity, but more on that later. Suffice to say, we huffed, and puffed and to no avail. They went up the other end and scored. As for the rest of it....

Plus points: Well, I suppose their goalie's kicking was shite.

Minus points: I think we will just have to bite the bullet here and admit to ourselves that really, we ain't good enough. And if TE decides to do another strop and depart from the scene, this time we shouldn't stop him.

The referee's a ....... : OK, I will try and keep composed here otherwise I could suffer a stroke. He had a good start then lost it. He blew up for everything. He totally and comprehensively failed to keep track on W2K's impression of Southall. He was so bad that even Terry's Tart couldn't find suitable diction to describe him. Apart from "cunt" of course. And a couple of "fucks" and a few "wankers" thrown in for good measure. All in all, that's all I am prepared to about him, except that I hope Saddam Hussein has been hiding plutonium in the ref's house and the US nuke him.

Womble aggro [on-field version]: A good ruck finally, all 22 men involved and a sending off of a W2K mammal to boot. Described by your humble and esteemed editor as a "bit niggly", though sadly there were no deaths or maimings involved. Whole thing did seem to get stupid towards the end : not only did the stewards have to calm down (or rather, tell to shut up) the W2K bench, but our player (forget who) got sent off for "headbutting" whilst another one of our players put in a rather clever and subtle accidental stamp on the head of their player in the main stand/Cold Lane end corner. If we had a sin bin for football games we would have needed to cordon off half the seating area today to make room.

Womble aggro [off-field version]: OK, I have gone over this many times, and I really don't want another bloody argument over this. It's counter-productive and you all know I'm right anyway :) Basically, today towards the end a woman in the main stand threw something at one of their hobbling players. Wasn't a glass bottle but could have been. Just before that, another VERY irate mainstander was being held back by two stewards. I'm sure that most people in there were at one time or another tempted to cause GBH on at least one party on the pitch. The age old SW19 argument is this : if opposition players and staff see fit to antagonise the other team's fans - especially in an important game like this - they should not complain when somebody does try and throw something at them. Yes, I know that at this level in particular, a bit of winding-up is part and parcel of the game. I know that some people think it's perfectly OK. I'm not going to even bother asking oppo teams to stop it now, it's futile. Would I be happy if we did it? Actually, I wouldn't, because if in the unlikely* event of Joe Sheerin scoring a last minute goal in front of 1000 Vile fans and sarcastically clapping them, I would expect at least one Grand Dive lowlife to try and physically reply. And in pressure situations, people DO react rather more, ahem, passionately if they feel they're being goaded. That's my point, and always has been. Anyway, I know I'm in a minority of one over this subject, so I'll keep quiet... :)

* - by "unlikely event", I am referring to the somewhat preposterous notion that there have ever been 1000 Raynes Park Vile fans in total, let alone in the same place at the same time, and is NOT a slur on Mr Sheerin's goalscoring abilities.

Point(s) to ponder: We didn't even big up that much beforehand. Is our constant capitulation over these games down to us? The only constant from Franchise to AFCW is us. Do we have a voodoo sign over success? Do we, as suggested today, have too high an expectation of our players who are ultimately amateur? In other words, are we going to have to take the very painful and not entirely popular decision to re-educate ourselves on what to expect from a football team?

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) Raising £2156.31 for the York City survival fund through the HT collection alone. Last count very promising for York (they raised £25k at the York game alone, and WISA gave £500). (2) Did Phillo really describe our opponents as "Windy 2000"? (3) When a game gets depressingly bad, what is the natural topic of conversation between two hetro male Wombles? Masturbation. I am not joking either. Speaking of wanking...

Franchise FC watch: Lost 4-0. Bwahahahahahahahah. Oh bwahahahahahahahahahahaha. Hehehehehehe. Hahahaha.... OK, I'll stop there. Dickov scored a hat-trick, at least two of them penalties.

I have absolutely honestly no idea how many of them turned up, but suffice to say Leicester sold their away allocation to the home supporters instead. No doubt 500 of them really turned up, all from MK.

Chants would be a fine thing: I'm sure it's louder at the WB end but I still don't think that we are quite as buzzing as we like to believe. The Champagne Song got a much welcome airing, and so did a "You're just a gay team from Brighton" reportedly. That'll go down well. Oh, and was that a murmur of sound I heard from the Grolsh stand?

Anything else? Yeah, there is/was a "I love my club" disco, a phrase that still sends thoughts of cliche ridden "fun" with people badly gyrating to "I Will Survive" through the bitter and twisted psyche of SW19. Despite this, I would have gone, though as my musical choice of Bavarian oompah bands, death metal and Daniel O'Donnell were ruthlessly snubbed by the organisers, I decided to take a rain check.

So was it worth it? Well, it was a nice day and it got us out in the open air. Apart from that.....

In a nutshell: Hmph.

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15 February 2003

Another Saturday, another win. This time, Chessington World Of Adventures 0 Thorpe Park 3 was the order of the day in one of the coldest days seen this side of Siberia. The game itself was more or less one-sided, we could (and should) have easily won 8-0, except that our shooting is as effective as the UK's argument over UN Resolution 1441. I think we had either our first or second hat-trick hero today, step forward Mr Cooper. One was a penalty which he had saved, but the goalie moved a bit too much for the ref's liking. Either that or the ref had a bet with Ladbrokes on Cooper getting three today. Typically, I missed the first goal through getting a cup of tea, and any passing 6 footer please tell me the second one...

Inwards and upwards..

Plus points: We won. Away. Without conceding a goal. Coop's hat trick. General all-round play. Getting in on goal a lot. Matt Everard (he with the permanent stiffy) played fine.

Minus points: SHOOTTT!!!!!

The referee's a ........ : I have to be honest, I didn't notice him. Is that a good sign or not?

March madness: Everyone else is going to mention it, so I suppose I ought to as well. A contingent of 25 AFCW fans decided to go up to Central London today, possibly to get their protesting exploits out of their system :) Many of them did return back, couple stayed up there. Took 3 hours to get from Embankment to Piccadilly Circus, reportedly. As for the ins and outs of it all? Well, it's too complex a matter to give an answer without qualifying it. Only thing anyone seems to agree on is that killing innocents, be they Iraqis, Westerners, Marsh Arabs, Kurds etc etc is pretty shitty. Most countries in war tend to act upon fear as much as anything else, and as we all know from fighting Koppout, when you're in major panic over your own security you tend to act irrationally. So much shit is likely to go down in that part of the world without Western intervention that some kind of dustup is inevitable. Of course, if Messrs Blair, Bush and Hussain were required to literally lead the front line in any future conflict, like they did in the olden days, watch all diplomatic efforts get exhausted and re-exhausted....

Them: They were friendly enough, laying on beer tents etc, but really, was that a country fair or farmers market today or what? I fully expected heffers to be sold by the portaloos. Whilst most other grounds had claims to be football stadia, this one was without doubt the most swamp-like arena going. The mud on the pitch was unreal. Shame the tea was liberally flavoured with Domestos...

Point to ponder: As mentioned by the Florida Axe Murderer today : are these sort of occasions for these teams like hosting a European cup final? Makes you realise on statements like these just how big we have become.

Did you know? The game nearly didn't go ahead. Overhearing (badly) the C&H groundsman before the game, it appears that even as late as 1am Thursday the ground was pretty frozen. Looking at the mudbath today, it's obvious that we hit lucky.

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) The weather. Lethal. (2) Didn't C&H have nice shirts? OK, so they looked like they aquired them from the nearest Barclays Bank Sunday league side but still.... (3) Still on shirts, the new white shirts looked OK. Still not inclined to buy one though, why we really do need a third kit apart from commercial reasons is open to debate. Coincidentally, they are see-through in the wet, which is an interesting design. No idea why some female Wombles were hoping for rain though.

Anything else? Yeah, their goalie couldn't catch a cold even if he was injected with half a dozen flu germs.

So, was it worth it? Why yes...

In a nutshell: Next week is Withdean and their poxy 2000.

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8 February 2003

Now that's better - Boyzone 5 Westlife 0. We were always going to give somebody a good whipping, and the team from Woking were dressed in PVC, handcuffed to the bed, given 45 strokes with a leather strap and came out of the room two hours later with a satisfied grin and 3 tubes of cold cream. Ahem. OK, it wasn't quite like that, but we did dominate pretty well, and all the alleged problems with Nicky English seem to be sorted. They played like a unit today, which was pleasing. Anyway, Lee Sidwell netted twice, and his second goal volley was pretty stunning. Mix of standard poke-ins and a good old-fashioned scramble was the order of the day. Isn't it nice to be back?

As I must continue...

Plus points: Winning. 5-0. Keeping a clean sheet for once. Not going 2-0 down for once. Spirit was good. Attack looked a bit potent for once.

Minus points: Gareth's Graham's injury. Oh, and our defence is still asleep/shite.

The referee's a ........ : OK as it goes, though he was shorter than me. Linesman seemed to enjoy the attention the Main Stand gave him.

Them: Doesn't their goalie look like he's going to be called up for the war in the Gulf?

Point to ponder (1): Why oh why oh why can we NEVER score more than 5 goals a game? I blame Koppel.

Woking watch: Yes, it was one year ago today (apparently) that Woking was pictured, ahem, slightly the worse for wear at Gillingham, subsequently spawning a new feature that went down very well with most people. Except his mum. Anyway, 365 days on, Woking is indeed a model of sobriety that all young persons exposed to such illit goods like alcohol, narcotics and pre-marital sex will look up to. We at SW19 salute him, and will not mention that he was holding a pint of lager.

Point to ponder (2): Why did a steward known to SW19 want a pic taken of him? Shouldn't that be the other way round?

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) The Bradford fan who walked from SP to Kingstonian. Started at 9.30am, got to Ks at 2pm, would have been sooner but he got lost around Morden. Could have been dangerous. Coincidentally, anyone else see the irony of him walking around collecting money? (2) Your humble and esteemed editor calling a 3 year old a "fucker" in front of his dad. Oops. (3) How quiet were the West Bank? We can't hear you up the hardcore Athletics End - personally, I think you're all as soft as shite. (4) The steward nabbing the jaffa cakes of a certain player then claiming it was to "keep him healthy". Er, right...

Franchise FC watch: Drew 2-2 with Bradford, but more importantly only drew 1100 odd. So, after the Brunswick spin machine was trying to tell people that the crowds were coming back, their second lowest attendance of the season came back to bite them in the arse. Ha.

What probably must suck big time for them is that they do have a good team (well, it was the one that Koppout scuppered - or at least tried to - last season) and their attendances are plummeting. In fact, with that attendance nobody from MK obviously bothered to come down either.

BTW, you've probably heard of the statue idea, which is a good place as any for Bucks based canines to perform bodily functions on. Because of image rights or something (embarrasment, more like), animal charactatures will be used instead of real players. So, what alternative life form to Koppout could represent him adequately? A snake? A dodo? A chameleon? A human being?

Anything else? Well, not really. It was comprehensive (and I haven't had one drink yet)

So, was it worth it? Sure.

In a nutshell: Back on track...