31 January 2004

Bloody hell, wasn't Sizewell B 1 Chernobyl 0 dull? Seriously, I had forgotten how crap weather conditions can make games (a) uninteresting and (b) hard work. It really did get to the stage where both the kids in front of me, and the ongoing saga of a falling down corner flag by the hAE was more entertaining. So, here's a brief rundown of what happened. We got a penalty. KC took it, their goalie saved it. Second half, we scored thanks to a cross by (I think) Harvey for Bolger to net in. And that really was it. No fights, no yellow cards. Nothing. Even the return of one Ally Russell, who marked his return with an expert skying of the ball from about 12 yards out and Noel Frankum couldn't raise the collective spirits. OK, we can be thankful that we won as opposed to lost, but I don't think this game will be available on DVD any time soon

Meanwhile....

Plus points: We won. Clean sheet. Never really looked in danger. Nice to see Ally Russell back, though nobody seems to know why he returned.

Minus points: 3pm - 4.45pm.

The referee's a....... : Christ, I can't even muster up enough energy to slag him off, so let's just say he was a typical CCL style ref. Few people yelled at him so he obviously gave a couple of decisions to the nuclear fallout boys.

Them: Well, they had a nice(ish) kit. I think. Put occasional bits of pressure on but really there was only likely to be one team scoring, and it wasn't them. Their #10 looked like Brian Kilcline, which unless somebody put some hallucinagenic drug in the tea explains the mock wolf-howling aimed at him during the game.

Spotted: The Norsedons, one of the LA Wombles on a 48 hour stopover - and I thought my trips took some doing, some Salisbury City fans and AFC Wallingford's most famous fan behind Oliver Cromwell who came down to t'smoke to see what a real team looked like. Nothing to do with the fact that their game at Vile was called off, or so he says anyway. In quaint yokel form, he thought I was the Papal of AFCW, which shocked me, though not as shocked as Mr Pope....

Nice cup of tea: In keeping with the irritating ethically aware mantra of AFCW Workers Co-Operative (formerly AFC Wimbledon football club), we were treated to some reasonably tasting Fair Trade stuff, especially as it was free. For those who don't think the idea of paying more than 50p for a cup of tea is particularly fair, the idea of fair trade is that the farmers who farm the stuff get more than they're currently getting, although if farmers in these growing areas are like farmers everywhere else, they'll pocket most of the money and pay their labourers jack shit. Did somebody say "cynical marketing ploy"? Fair Trade is obviously geared towards the 96% (SW19 estimate revised upwards) of our fanbase that are gullible morally sound middle class liberals, because it makes them feel better and really think they're doing their bit for humanity. Bless them. Next week I expect a Noam Chomsky signing session, together with an AFCW-sponsored meeting entitled "Why the Khosla debt is the sole fault of Israel and neo-conservatives"

Weather the storm: For once I wasn't that cold, but I did get very wet. And it was windy, so windy in fact that when the Feltham goalie kicked the ball down field, it ended up being a corner to us.

Point to ponder: Is it me or was the game reminiscent of those Plough Lane games where the weather was shite and we used to despatch of crap like Coventry or Sheff Weds quite easily? Watch your old PL era WFC videos to see what I mean.

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) Crowd felt quite low, especially as I was walking in. While it was given as 2491 it certainly felt less than 2000. That said though the weather really did suck, and I bet that some thought the game wasn't going to go ahead. (2) Things must be desperate on the AFCW match sponsorship front, as today a load of Chelski fans sponsored the game. I don't think I have heard such a negative reaction to a sponsorship announcement in my life. Their MoM was Michael Harvey, as like most Chelski fans they're into this yookay garridge and aardcaw stuff innit? Either that or they like to partake in the traditional Chelski pastime of meeting a black guy 10 on 1.

Franchise watch: Oh, this is classic. They went the long 70 miles to Selhurst, against former hated rivals Crystal Palace, who rehabilitated themselves by stuffing the Frenzies 3-1. Anyway, 100 Franchise fans turned up, so this is the grand total of (a) those who can be arsed to do the difficult 70 mile trip down from Bucks and (b) the entire remaining South London fanbase who for one reason or another don't do the easy 70 mile trip up to Bucks. Even better, and as a sop for those who still hate Palace, some panels of the roof fell off due to the wind and the game eventually kicked off at 3.45pm. Same old Selhurst. At least Murdick had a ready made excuse this time.

Anything else? Yeah, anyone go to that open meeting beforehand? I normally find such events on a par with extracting teeth so I didn't trouble. Hope we were all polite and nice to each other..

So, was it worth it? No comment

In a nutshell: Grey, downcast, in need of stimuli. And that's just the weather.

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28 January 2004

Having suitably thawed out sufficiently enough due to weather now currently dumping itself forcefully on SW19 Towers, I can now write that our two game unbeaten run continued with Chips 1 Steak 3 (AET) pushing us forward in yet another crappy cup competition that I didn't even bother noting the name of. Oh well, we won't win it. Naturally enough we went behind due to Carroll's ball skills letting the Chip player round him to score. Not so much Van Basten as Van Morrison. Hoping for Fearing an exit, the team went up a lot more in the second half (or was that to keep warm?), and a KC penalty made it 1-1. Unfortunately, we had to endure extra time, but Scotty and a sublime dribble/shot by Dobo warmed us all up.

Do I need to say any more on the game? No? Good. Here's....

Plus points: We won. Away. Good comeback. Only one winner from 45 mins onwards.

Minus points: Shit game wasn't it?

The referee's a........: Did you notice him? I didn't. Let the game flow and gave us the penalty certainly, though it was so obvious even Lord Hutton considered mentioned it in his report.

Them: Looked like Glasgow Celtic, played like West Allotment Celtic. Gained brownie points for some seriously nice BBQed grub, lost as many marks for not allowing your humble and esteemed editor - twice - into their half-empty club bar. Something to do with "compliementary" tickets or something. Now, that's not a very good way of getting a nice write up in here, is it? And don't give me this bollocks of "over-crowding" either. The nearby pub got my sheckles, and a guy who I believe was Chip's vice president (could be wrong) said that he would "have a word".

Weather with you: As I'm forever being accused of writing how cold I am at games (which is usually true), I won't mention it. Others were complaining of feeling chilly though.....

Point to ponder: One for those who actually bother to watch the game. Don't we look different (ie more shite) without Joe Sheerin?

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) Meeting and greeting the cheapskates photographed at Farnham (see below) and not receiving abuse, cigarette burns or ABH. (2) The walk from the pub to Chipstead. Very dark, very middle of nowhere. And more than a little bit un-nerving. Had to be the most isolated place we have ever played, no wonder they prefer to play our games at Whyteleafe. (3) Hearing the story of the local who writes a letter to Chips every time the floodlights aren't turned off by 10pm. That's every time. And they accuse the Plough Lane residents of pettiness.

Anything else? Yes, Chip's #11, called Jack. He probably has a surname, but everyone called him Jack. Long, Limahl-esque hair, everything that happened was blamed on this poor hapless Jack. Misplaced pass? Jack's fault. Conceded corner? Blame Jack. The penalty? Jack. Middle East conflict? Jack. The guy who writes snotty letters to Chips? You guessed it. So much so that the mother of an SW19 reader started yelling "Jack, we love you" loudly. Very loudly. And poor old underappreciated Jack applauded us. How nice. I was going to suggest we sign Jack up, at least we'll have somebody to blame for all our ills apart from Sully now.

So, was it worth it? Well, I got to see the happening pulsating metropolis the world calls Chipstead Village.

In a nutshell: Forget who we are playing next, but I trust they're crap

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24 January 2004

Panic over. Looks like Memorial Ground 0 Gap Road Cemetery 4 has stopped the rot of, er, 2 games without a victory, and it was a pretty comprehensive one at that. On a pitch that could easily resemble a potato field, and on a grassy viewing area that did resemble a potato field, a largely awe-uninspiring game produced a result that is probably the most badly needed of the whole season. Had we not have won today, or at least turned in another Sandhurst/Colne performance, the mumurings would have been happening and once you start losing the habit of winning games, the habit is far, far harder to break. Thankfully, we looked more hungry in 10 mins than the previous 180 minutes, which wasn't difficult.

Goals? Couldn't see the first one, but JS scored it. Everard netted for the second, thank christ he's scoring again, I can't do any more childish jokes about his surname. Third goal, and the legendary Paul Scott netted after some great work by KC, before KC himself capped off a fine performance with a nice rounding of the goalie and pocketed himself some nice dough thanks to the Golden Coops raffle * (like Golden Goal except the first goal scored by KC counts).

* - IMPORTANT NOTICE : The editor of SW19's ARMY would like to categorically state that there is NO suggestion whatsoever that Mr Kevin Cooper (a) entered into the Golden Coops raffle and (b) deliberately witheld scoring until the minute printed on his ticket. The comment made is a figurative comment and is therefore not provable in a court of law. Unless of course he really DID enter the raffle.

Had enough? Good, here's.....

Plus points: We won. Away. Clean sheet. Far more comprehensive performance. Defence looks more solid.

Minus points: Shit game wasn't it?

The referee's a ....... : Well, to be honest I didn't really notice him, he certainly didn't seem to lose it. He might have booked JS and/or Bassey though.

Them: Crap. Seriously, they were crap. Can't recall them having many shots on target at all. Were treated rather cruelly to a "Chim chimmery chim chimmery, chim chim cheroo, we hate the bastards in claret and blue", which of course is their colours. Worse for them, it was exactly the same chant that Millwall aimed at them last season at KM. They must really hate us. Still, on the plus side it was easy enough parking and they did a nice cup of tea.

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) The balcony on the ground that meant that some tight bastards intrepid and enterprising Wombles decided to reallocate their £6 entry fee to Farnham's coffers in some other ways. Your humble and esteemed editor braved life and limb and took photos of said people, identities protected to save them beating me up when they find out I've posted their image on here. (2) Sign outside telling that Farnham "welcomes Wimbledon FC". Right.... (3) The game kicking off about 5 minutes late because of the amount of people trying to get in. This didn't help by the fact that the trains were buggered, and the pubs were really slow to serve people from the smoke. Obviously.

Wallingford watch: Those who can be arsed to look below first place in the CCL table might see our old sparring partners below us and within pitchforking distance. If their millions of fans are to be believed, overtaking us from the CCL top spot is a mere formality, which of course it is : after all, they are a razor-close 3 points behind and the 4 game gap between us is so close it's paper thin. So, they went to Cobham today for certain victory, and guess what? They lost, 3-2.......

Anything else? Yes, it was FA Cup 4th round day, where the plucky little clubs from areas that normally don't give a shit about football for one day all get together and travel to watch their team in the big match. And at St Andrews today, some crappy lower division side with no supporters went down fighting bravely 1-0 to a classier and understrength team. I am sure everyone at AFCW would like to patronisingly pat them on the head, give a condescending "brave effort" to them and wave them goodbye, safe in the knowledge that we'll never hear from them again. Now, what was their name again?

So, was it worth it? I would say so.

In a nutshell: And the marching carried on into the night.

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17 January 2004

Who wants to win something called the Vase anyway? I remember when I were a lad that competitions were leagues, or given proper titles such as cups, or trophies. But vase? Do the winners get a crystal glass UEFA cup shaped object with a couple of daffodills plonked in some water? Still, I had a horrible feeling that Southern Softies 1 Northern Bastards 2 was going to happen (so did a couple of others as well come to think of it) and so it came to pass. There was a massive ruck in the end, which of course is what you're really interested in , but more on that later FWIW, I think we are better out of this competition (and all the other cups as well), getting out of the CCL the right way is by far and away the best thing for us this season.And anyway, the last thing I want is for us to have got to a cup final and freeze.

As for the game, it was a load of nothing performance really. They went ahead through a bit of a scramble, we hit back immediately through Ryan Gray's free kick. Then it sort of went a bit funny, we couldn't string two passes together, sort of thing. They went ahead again thanks to some expert defending on our part (please stop laughing) and from then on you just knew we weren't going to get back. We hit the crossbar once (or was it twice), their goalie made a good save, couple of scrambles that just wouldn't go in, that kind of thing. Overall, not fun.

Onwards...

Plus points: We scored

Minus points: Defence looks shite. Matt Martin looks like he couldn't handle a glass of water. A maximum of three passes were able to be put together properly. No real likelyhood of going up the necessary gear. Did Everard look like he was wearing concreted boots or something?

The referee's a....... : I hope somebody kidnaps him and removes each individual hair in a Chinese torture style until he repents for that performance.

Them: Looked like statues, played like they'd been watching lots of tapes of Southall. Not as skillful as our lot, but they did what they needed to do and did it well enough. Some 10 Colne fans came down to t'smoke.

Womble Aggro: OK, here goes. As you can tell, the game was quite niggly, two of their players did their version of Kevin Ratcliffe, their #3 got sent off, and when one of their players got stretchered off towards the end nobody clapped him off like they normally do. Gives you an idea of what the atmosphere was like. Anyway, at the full time whistle there was silence, but on the pitch, the players were hanging around a bit. Bit unusual.

Then, there were a couple of scuffles, I believe that Danny Oakins twatted (or tried to twat) somebody (at least, that's what the bloke behind me was yelling), yet I honestly didn't think any more about it. Then all the players tried to walk off together, and then all hell seemed to break loose. From what I saw, a couple of Main Standers tried to get onto the pitch and had to be held back by stewards, Harvey lost it MASSIVELY, some people running about, being held off by other players, stewards etc. Confusion central. The nearer the players got to the tunnel the more the shoving and pushing happened, and eventually everyone managed to leave the field.

Now, two incidents stick out in my mind here. The first was a senior looking copper trying very hard to keep the peace between the two teams, and although I have seen a copper warn Vinny Jones at QPR once (when he was playing) I don't think I have seen a copper do that at a football match. The second is probably more serious. As mentioned, Harvey (who despite the So Solid image, "Harvey's Gonna Shoot You" chants is basically one of the more laid back members of the team) really looked wound up, but as the players eventually left, Harvey was walking around like somebody had kicked him in the ribs. He looked like a mixture of pain and total agony.

As ever, there is going to be rumour and counter rumour on what went on, so here is a list of what I've heard so far: Harvey was called a "monkey" and/or was told to "go back to the jungle" (which might explain a lot), the referee got hit, a couple of members of the crowd got hit, the Colne player sent off went onto the pitch to cause trouble, one of our players allegedly in the boardroom boasting about hitting a couple of their players. No more needs to be said about the racism comment, or the player bragging afterwards (if both stories are true) I think there will be some more shit coming out of this in the not too distant future, Keep them peeled.

The main problem now is the fallout from this. I expect major repercussions here, probably a big fine and suspensions galore. If the ref got hit, then whoever clouted him can kiss their football career goodbye. This will be a very tense couple of weeks for us, if we get out of this without some rap on the knuckles we'd be very lucky.

One final thing - the alarm went off in the boardroom as I was queuing up for Chipstead tickets, and the orange jacketed brigade were walking round looking a little bit panicky. Any further info?

Point to ponder: Was it me or was this reminiscent of big cup games in the past? Remember all them Spurz games? Leicester in the Coke cup semi-final? Hype and anticipation NEVER works at Wimbledon.

Truth is stranger than fiction: I got interviewed for some programme about warfare ("Could you kill an enemy?" I was asked. I replied something like "Probably") for a C4 documentary. Somehow, that seems quite apt today.

Anything else? Not really. Just wondering if we're going to have a playing staff by the end of the month.

So, was it worth it? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahah (deep breath) ha ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahah. Sorry, what was the question?

In a nutshell: Now we can concentrate on the league

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16 January 2004

Well, I wrote a pretty long piece on the Dons Trust AGM part 2 : The Auditor's Revenge, but realising that I'm on legit iffy ground ATM, has prohibited me saying what I genuinely feel ATM. Perhaps I ought to step down so you can find out what I'm thinking :)

So instead, I'll issue my own personal statement: AFCW relies on everyone - that's me, you and the bloke who stands with you at games - because we don't have anyone else. Obvious mission statement. Now, like every other voluntary organisation, the potential for fallout is amazing, and I think at AFCW we're starting to witness something not particularly pleasant if left unchecked.

It is a VERY dangerous game for public mudslinging in an arena such as ours. Accusing one side of being "undemocratic" is highly subjective (you can interpret what side you want on this, I bet you can guess mine - and I stick by it), and with past events is open to very real charges of hypocricy. That's how splits in clubs occur. Remember that there are certain sets of people who do a lot for the club anyway, not just the celebrated ones and if they were to sit on their hands AFCW would have a real problem.

Some of the shit that has been flying around recently - and come to think of it, the DT questionnaire - has really made me wonder if Uncle Ron was right after all : that fans couldn't run a bath without wanting to kill each other. While the subject matter(s) over the last 48-72 hours, whilst on the surface are a bit insignificant but in reality is something that is quite genuinely important, it should be dealt with with the minimum of fuss, in the spirit it was intended etc. Unfortuately, we don't seem to be capable of doing that these days, and knee-jerk reactions, sniping and outright hostility seems to be the order of the day amongst a small but significant section of our support.

I know where I stand, and I am increasingly on the side of those who don't want anything to do with the rancid stench and underhand comments so vulgar that even Koppout would have shyed away from them. Are we really any further forward? Sometimes I doubt it.

Meanwhile, it seems like civil wars rationally formed debates are breaking out everywhere else in AFCW land. A molotov was hurled today by our manager in today's Wimbledon News at a popular fan website (not SW19, I did say "popular"), which needless to say has gone down very well with the residents of said site. Now, this has to be the first time that I have heard a manager speak out like this, and it's threatening to draw a CCL-top-of-table style gap between the manager and some sections of the fanbase. If it hasn't already.

The problems seem to have come from sniping on the site after the Sandhurst game. The same game that saw one of the more surly moods ever seen at an AFCW game, and I wonder if there are problems on that level that are deeper than we know about. Or want to know about. I genuinely don't fancy losing TE because of personal politics, his record is generally far better than we would have hoped for when he first joined, and as far as I am concerned he is the best man for the most important job at the club. And I don't mean the person selling the teas at half time either.

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10 January 2004

Well, that was coming wasn't it? Officers 2 Squaddies 2, and so ends the LSC-esque winning run. TBH, the longer we were going to go without dropping points, the bigger the inevitable hit was. And I suppose it's nice to let Sandhurst have the honours of stopping the run, such was their role in AFCW's history. We had our excuses in early anyway : no KC, Harvey on the bench, Paul Scott starting. And we started well enough, bossing the game and inevitably going ahead through an own goal. Their #8 I do believe. Normal service was continuing when Sully scored through a penalty. The shove in the area that led to the penalty was so blatant even the UN Security Council would have treated it as an act of aggression. All was well.

Second half, and all was certainly NOT well. Instead of laying over and dying, Sandhurst came back at us. We basically fell asleep at the back, a lot of the players were appearing to be having a go at each other, and it really was no surprise to be pegged back to 2-1. Our goalie wasn't impressed, a "For Fucks Sake" shouted quite loudly demonstrated the problems. And TBH, it was always going to be that Sandhurst would score, especially when a couple of easier-to-score-than-miss chances were, erm, missed. Closing of play, the inevitable happened : they scored, the home fans cheered (quite a few of them) and everyone was just resigned. Not flabberghasted, not depressed, just a sense of "oh well". And, dare I say, a sense of relief?

I did hear that the players were preparing themselves more for the FAV game next week, which is what we used to do in WFC days. Knowing our luck, we'll go on a 15 game losing streak now, starting next Saturday.

Anyway...

Plus points: We didn't lose.

Minus points: Complete inability to hold onto a 2-0 lead. Defence is awful.

The referee's a ........ : Best summed up by a shrug of the shoulders in a French policeman style. He was OK, but did play a bit too much injury time for my liking. Some kid did call him a "muppet" though

Them: Well up for it, deserved to win to be honest. Genuinely pleased with us turning out, though the club bar beforehand was quite relaxing (ie not many people in it). Place was muddy though, leaving an ape fiddler to quip "This is like going to holiday camps when I was 6 years old". You'll be pleased to know BTW that the burnt down Tesco from last season is now fully restored. Shame the staff and some of the clientele are surly bastards.

Point to ponder: Am I the only one legit worried about our lack of strength in depth? If KC ever broke his leg, or got sold, what then? Our reserves are OK but not going to set the world alight. The lack of some players today seem to suggest that we are only one or two players better than a mid-table CCL team.

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) Observing Harvey just before the game with his tracksuit bottoms down (in my defence you could hardly avoid looking). I can confirm for the female/homosexual readership of this site that our most publically known player wears white briefs. He also appears to have firm, rounded buttocks (ie he's got a big arse). (2) The players wearing black armbands because Noel Frankum has left the club. No, I don't get it either, but I don't want to see what happens when somebody does snuff it. (3) Tea in mugs. Yes, tea in mugs. In Sandhurst mugs as well (except for the one I had which was nabbed from Jewson). Shame we had to return them afterwards. (4) In the Sandhurst club bar, there is a meat raffle at 4.30pm on Sunday. There's something rude I could say but my mum reads this site.

Franchise watch: Do you care? Oh, all right. They lost 1-0 to Crewe at Gresty Road, are 5 points adrift at the bottom and while I can't find out how many football starved MK citizens they bought I doubt if they needed more than a couple of taxis.

Anything else? Yup - something wasn't right about the whole game. Seriously, there was that kind of strange feel going on, as though something is up somewhere. Complacency? Jadedness? Antagonism? At least we have the Dons Trust nuclear war AGM part deux to look forward to this week. Could be fun.

So, was it worth it? Suppose it was quite nice to see Sandhurst again, without the searing heat.

In a nutshell: 100% win records are over-rated anyway

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8 January 2004

And here we are again, on a cold(ish) night, where the trains were fucked, the drivers on the way to the game were as surly as a Franchise accountant and where once again, Toilet 5 WC 2 was the order of the day. And I have to be honest, we were pretty shit, especially in defence where Harvey had his worst game for us ever (came back from Abu Dhabi apparently). It wasn't that surprising that we went 1-0 down, there were even some Casual fans down the hAE (I guess the stunned silence came from the shock of finding out that the away team having some fans). Come to think of it, we were playing like we could have been 5-0 down after 15 minutes. Still, we woke up, had a stretch, yawned, broke wind, made ourselves a nice cup of tea and got to work

Normal service was resumed by hat-trick heroTM KC, who scored a wonderful goal. Apparently. This did come before an utter sitter was missed, which at that time was going to sum up the night. We then went ahead finally thanks to Harvey, bit of a pinball goal but then his play last night was reminiscent of a pinball machine. At least one that has had the power turned off. Twas 3-1 thanks to a good KC shot, before they got back into it again. 3-2 and cue much shitting of undergarments. But not for long, as KC put the game beyond reach, making it 4-2.

Then, then, then..... Enter the demi-god of many a guestbook for a much awaited appearance, all rose off their feet in deference, women offered to bear his offspring, men considered switching their sexuality in his prescence. Yes, Paul Scott came on and all was fine and just. Oh, and Gareth "Ginge" Graham came on as well in his Ainsworth-like role (ie sponsored by BUPA). Don't think anyone noticed. The Dons' doyen repayed his faith and netted to make it 5-2, and just goes to show that no matter how shit we play we still conquer all.

Bored by all that? Don't worry, here's the good stuff.

Plus points: Well, we won I suppose.

Minus points: Back four more shocking than a giant shocking type thing

The referee's a...... : Needed glasses, apparently. Gave too many free kicks to them, certainly

Them: They must really really hate us. Technically, our bogey team (insofar as you can guarantee they will score against us) and yet still always lose. Casuals aren't our favourites either - I don't know of any grief Danny "Nescafe Handshake" Wheeler was getting, but Tony Gale (yes, that Tony Gale) was reportedly being a bit narked at the abuse he was getting. Apparently, he was acting a bit high and mighty, full of his own belief in mediocre football. Then again, what else do you expect from somebody who used to play for West Ham?

Point to ponder: Was I the only one in the ground who thought that we were (a) going to score as soon as they scored, and (b) score 5 goals?

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) Did Paul Scott really score? (2) Harvey was subbed at half time. So what, you might think? Well, two of the AFCW ladies team wandered in during the second half down the hAE after training, asked where Harvey was. When told he was off, they buggered off again....

Anything else? Urm, not that bad a turnout, considering it was an evening game and the railways were their usual shit self. Perhaps they ought to tarmac over each railway line in the country and give everyone a Nissan or a bicycle.

So, was it worth it? Guess so.

In a nutshell: The run continues.

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3 January 2004

Now, I know that it would be far too easy and predictable to make any sort of lame puns about BAT 0 Philip Morris 1 (played at das Volkstadion), so I won't do any. Honest. Anyway, we lit up (sorry) the Vase with a striking (sorry again) performance, which left the home team all puffed (I know) out. Despite BAT starting off quite brightly, taking the game to us, we started to inhale (all right..) some air and went up a gear. After a massive goalmouth scramble, Bolger drilled in to make it 1-0 and we were smoking (please don't kill me). After that, the game seemed to be stubbed out (oh shit), though BAT did try a little bit. But we were more than capable of going up a gear, and we just rolled up and got our butts out of there (runs away)

And if that level of comedy hasn't put you off, read on....

Plus points: Won. Away (stop sniggering). Clean sheet. Could have gone a gear upwards if necessary.

Minus points: Looked a bit shaky in defence.

The referee's a.......: Well, he was on the large side. And he did get called Hitler, complete with arm movements. But the biggest insult of all was him being likened to the notorious G&G man in the middle, one Mr Fish...

Them: Being the home team (why are you laughing?) they were pretty much up for it, probably more up for it than most of the CCL teams put together. Deffo our hardest game since Herne Bay, I don't think we'll win the Vase unless we make major improvements. Played in blue and yellow, which looked rather similar to ours. Also had names on the back of the shirts, not that you could read them.

Song Sung Blue: We managed to silence the home crowd pretty easily today, taking over with songs about Koppout, the CS, Chelski, sadly no Spurz songs though. In fact, so shocked were we at the lack of singing by the BAT fans that we even had to resort to "You're supposed to be at home". Coincidentally, in case anyone is tempted to treat this game as a home game, the Main Stand were caught making a noise, so there is no way this could ever be considered a game at our place. Oh, and "Que Sera Sera, whatever will be will be, we're going to Upton Park" made me piss myself. No idea why, I hope it was nothing to do with the fact that I think we won't win this competition.

Bunch of fags: Whilst checking to see if the smoking section of the hardcore Athletics End were smoking BAT's products (no idea who Silk Cut and Mayfair are made by), I couldn't help noticing the warning packets. Now, in my day, all you were told that smoking kills and no more needed to be said. These days, because people are quite thick, and therefore need to be told what to think, you have to have big warnings like "Smoking affects those around you" - no shit sherlock - but most of them don't exactly inspire to give up the cancer sticks. So, how about some really offputting warnings up, like "Smoking gives you a tiny willy", or if you're trying to stop women smoking, "Smoking makes your bum big"? Or in case you want to make AFCW a non-smoking zone, try "Smoke these and we'll move our next game to Bashley"

Point to ponder: Why was the BAT #8 clapping the John Smiths Stand during the first half? Was it because he was impressed by the banter between him and the stand, and acknowledged a unifying bond between fan and player, upholding the traditions and spiritual homliness that cup competitions enjoy, that will continue to be passed down from generation to generation, and further cementing the mystique of this great game we call association football, or was he being a sarky little shit?

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) The tin-foil FA Cup thingy making an appearance. Right.... (2) The sight of a paper mache packet of fags, with "We've got Gitanes over here". Who said there's no humour in football these days? (3) Only 2763 there. I say "only", it deffo felt as full as the Vile match. Though speaking of crappy attendances...

Franchise watch: It's the glamour of the FA Cup 3rd Round in Football Frenzyville. And how many football starved minions of MK turned up to cheer on their heroes in imported yellow and blue? 3609. Yes, 3609. Of which, about 1064 were from Stoke, at least those in the desginated away end. I have a funny sort of rage in me, not absolute anger but a niggling pissed-offness that comes through how pathetic they are. They are an annoyance, a bit like a leaking pipe that just makes a mess everywhere. It's not even a hatred because of the way the club was stolen, but a seething rage about how completely useless and non-descript they are. They're not anything and that what probably fucks me off more - they don't have the decency to be challenging for the first division and they don't even have the common courtesy to be a complete pile of horse semen. Oh, and they drew 1-1 but they probably cheated.

Anything else? Yeah, didn't today feel a little bit more like the old FA Cup 3rd round ties of old? OK, different competition, but you were half expecting Radio Dive Live to mention on their roundup "And now to Kingsmeadow for yet another win for AFC Wimbledon, but they had to work for it. John Champion reports". I know that last year we missed out on the fun like this, and the last year of WFC we all know about, but it was nice.

So, was it worth it? Put it this way, if we get to the final and they release the DVD/VHS/Cine 8 of the run to the final, wouldn't you want to be in it?

In a nutshell: Smoking kills.