31 July 2004

I am of the opinion that all football games that kick off to a temperature of 25C or higher must be immediately called off until a more realistic temperature is reached. At least, that is how I remember Harrow 1 Eton 1. Your humble/esteemed editor was getting settled before Matt E scorched one in from a free kick, about 2 minutes in. And this was no ordinary Matt E goal, this was trapped, chested down and hammered home harder than a giant hard hammer type thing. I think I managed to get his goal, see right picture. Can't trust the shutter speeds of digicams though. We kept pressing, but just couldn't net. True to form, in the second half, Boro penetrated our defence and slotted home. Tsk. The heat took its toll afterwards, though t we didn't half come close at the end...

That enough on the semantics front? Good. Here's...

Plus points: Didn't lose. Pressed forward even after conceding. Defence looked pretty solid for the most part. More than look comfortable on a Ryman Premier level.

Minus points: Didn't win. Strike force probably Ryman 1 standard.

The referee's a.....: Oh boy. The sarcastic applause on 85 minutes when he gave a decision to us said it all. And his lino boyfriend managed to somehow spot an infringement which led to a Boro free kick. Even more amazingly, he saw it from 50 yards away.

Them: Bloody hell, isn't Harrow poshe? The area around the ground wasn't bad. I shudder to think what their firm must be like - West Ham have the ICF, Portsmouth have the 6:57 and Harrow Borough must have the Toyota SUV. Nice enough hosts though, seemed quite grateful for us coming down. Bit of a shame we couldn't have taken more people, though apparently the M25 was utter shite and the tubes are pretty tiresome in this heat. Oh, and their #9 looked like Carl Cort and played like him as well.

Quotes: (1) "It must be quite difficult being the man in black today" - 1970s Drummer Womble to your humble/esteemed editor. Look, I have to suffer for my art. Anyway, it's more difficult being stuck in a lift with Jennifer Ellison and not being able to undo your zip (2) "I can't see Harrow scoring" - your humble/esteemed editor again, with a reverse Nostradamus effect. Using this same level of accuracy, I predict a long, healthy and successful season for Franchise.

Weather with you: Hot. Bloody hot. Scorching hot. Real three-bottles-of-water-in-one-hour hot. May I recommend bottled water from the UAE, as bought in some Asian shop in Harrow high street? Full of nutrients, and another fine Arab export, along with mathematics, seven star hotels and terrorists. Anyway, it was hot (in case you hadn't gathered) and I think anyone who enjoys this weather is either a liar, a fool or completely moronic. Roll on winter

Point to ponder: I mentioned earlier that we are really going to need a Ryman Premier quality striker. I wonder if that's why Joe Sheerin is being kept on? Would make sense, if he can have a consistent run of not being unfit. Incidentally, he was there today, training. Didn't play though, but at least he'd have an excuse for being red faced before the game.

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) The tea bar's tea was made with tea leaves. Which must be the first time in public tea leaves have been used in over 15 years. And it does make tea taste far better, trust me. (2) Being described as "Mr Chalfont's mate". He'll love that. (3) Anyone else notice the London Transport sign with "Borough" behind one of the goals? And what about the clock by the turnstile? Or rather, the Countdown style clock with a £3.99 job from Woolworth in the middle.

Franchise watch: Oh, who gives a fuck? They're a bunch of cunts who molest poor innocent kiddies for deviant kicks.

Anything else? Yeah, apparently one Womble was stuck in a train with a load of Palace fans going to QPR. By all accounts, they looked shifty, a bit low down on the evolutionary scale and not pleasant. Perhaps that's why Gadaffi wants to buy them out - he'd look respectable compared to the average Croydonian.

So, was it worth it? Football wise, guess so. Shows what we can do. Could do without the red skin.

In a nutshell: Phew, what a scorcher

And finally: Please buy the next issue of Four Four Two. You'll see why.

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28 July 2004

Ah, another pre-season, another commendable result. How does Kent 1 Surrey 1 do you? Out of the three games against Conference sides, this one was probably the hardest of the lot, as we were on post-Barnet comedown, and against a side who had Conf style fitness. None the less, we did actually take the lead, a defence splitting pass for Bolger, who managed to slot it past their goalie. From then on, we seemed to cease to function as an attacking unit, and inevitably, in something like the 85th minute, we conceded. To a Matt-E type goal as well. Gravesend played like Barnet should have done, but didn't. We can't win 3-0 every time.

Never mind...

Plus points: Well, we didn't lose. Defence got a MUCH needed workout - against crappier opposition, we should be quite solid. Did at least try and get something at the end

Minus points: Should have lost. Probably our worst PSF to date. Looked completely shagged out.

The referee's a......: He wasn't bad, not really noticable TBH. Didn't like tackles though.

Them: There are some nice places in Kent. Gravesend and Northfleet aren't two of them.Well, OK, it's not Romany city like Gillingham, but it doesn't exactly live up to Kent's "Garden of England" moniker. (Incidentally, why is it called the Garden of England? Surely it should be Garden Centre of England, with the main bulk of it being where the fertilizer is stored). And where the fuck do people in Kent get their driving licences from? Woolworths? Anyway, decent side, G&N, and maybe should have won it. Thought £10 was a bit on the steep side for a PSF.

And didn't their ground remind you of those old away trips up North? Industrial enclaves behind the goal, hilled streets with iffy looking pubs on the corner, grey council flats that look transported from Leipzig or Warsaw, ground that hadn't looked much different since 1978, that kind of thing. Now this is football. Had a nice bar though, looked like an Ibis hotel, even if the Guinness was shit.

Quotes: From the Belly himself : "Why do the second halves of pre season friendlies degenerate into bollocks?".

Point to ponder (1): Do you think the locals were confused by the "Kent Wombles" banner?

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) The amount of midges and mosquitos about, some of whom were particularly keen on a bit of Cockernee flesh. Comparisons between blood sucking diseased insects and people from Kent are to be actively discouraged. (2) Bus park behind ground, including a couple of burnt out ones. What do they get up to around there?

Point to ponder (2): Was it me or were we pulling out of loads of challenges? Whether it was the exhaustion thing, or whether our players are so scared of getting injured because they'll lose their place is anyone's guess.

Anything else? Yeah. Initially I thought for the first time we were outnumbered in the crowd. Looking around, I think we were slightly in the majority. But it did feel sort of reassuring that we weren't alone...

So, was it worth it? Guess so.

In a nutshell: We ought to walk the division next year.

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24 July 2004

Now THIS was the pre-season stuffing I so badly wanted. I just didn't expect it to be Bonce 3 Barnet 0. Everything that could have gone right did go right. We were due a win and so it came, neatly packaged with a nice little note attached to it saying "enjoy". I think there were no more than 4 or 5 of last season's team on the pitch, and quite frankly I don't think we need to worry. We started off well, piling on more pressure than a giant pressuring thingy, they sort of came back at us. Then their goalie did his impression of Neil Sullivan, kicked it to Rob Ursell who duly obliged around him and slotted it home. 1-0 to us, even though I'd thought that RU was going to fuck it up.

It got better. RU again, dribbling, shanking, measuring, and all the other football cliches. You know how football purists always reckon a goal should only be scored with 40 passes and a 30 yard screamer? Well, they would have loved this one. RU twisted, turned and launched one. A shot, that is. 2-0, and we all went relatively mad. Who says that pre-seasons are shit? Half time came and went, and it sort of lulled a bit. Actually, it lulled a lot. But then towards the end, Butler got fouled in the box - soft looking challenge, but who gives a fuck? - up stepped RU and slotted home past ex-Franchise goalie Shane Gore. 3-0, hat-trick for our new guy, and me wondering when a new player last scored a hat-trick on his home debut.

OK, so it's only a PSF but I don't care. Here's....

Plus points: Thank fuck RU is on a two year contract. Our most comprehensive performance in eons and anyone who missed it ought to feel foolish and fraudulent for the rest of their days. Unless they buy the DVD of it. Looked seriously up for it. And we kept a clean sheet.

Minus points: Were there many? OK, suppose I would like to see Jones B on for longer.

The referee's a......: Hands up who remembers that young kid who did CCL games in our first season and was really rather good? Well, his was name was Steven Cook, and he was doing our game. And he wasn't bad, though remembering the rules and applying them for the most part will surely work against him if he ever joins Premiership ranks. It was also his birthday today, a sprightly 21 years old. Hopefully his mummy and daddy gave him a nice pressie, before taking him for his birthday treat down TGI Friday. And who knows, on his special day he might be allowed to stay up past 8pm.

Them: Their first team, apparently, or as near as dammit. I don't think it would be a prudent move to put money on them winning the Conference next season. No wonder they lost 10-1 to Arsenal in the week, and them delaying the KO by 15 minutes due to a late coach doesn't make it any better. Plenty - OK, some - Barnet fans turned up, who gave as good as they sort of got. Especially down the hAE. Naisbitt was an ex-Barnet boy, which of course let to some stick from them. As time progressed, and their tails were increasingly dangling between their long body-supporting pins, the chants were more "We want Naisbitt back". Tough shit, he's ours. Also, "Are you Arsenal in disguise" and "We've only had one shot" was pleasing to hear. Oh, and a Barnet fan had his trousers removed during the first half. Please don't ask.

Food and drink: It appears that there are now new contractors for the tea bars (and apparently the sponsorship/President Lounge). No idea about the toffs bit - though by accounts what was laid on was pretty dire - but for the scummy working class food kiosks there were problems last season with casually employed people being too casual with their attendance, rushing out to buying rolls at 2.30pm, that sort of thing. So, testing out the hAE tea bar today, it took me about 15 minutes to get a tea. This at the start of the game. Not the best start. No idea about the burgers, presumably they won't be the home made sort, but sausage and chips seems a welcome addition. They sell them at games in Ireland and are pretty tasty.

Spotted: Well known AFCW fan/volunteer/steward/turnstile operator etc hitting somebody over the head with an empty plastic bottle....

Getting shirty: Loads of the new shirts about, the logo doesn't have the seductive felt patch these days. It looks OK to be fair, better than the last kit certainly. Big seller as well, most of the current stock seems to have gone. And no, I won't be buying it.

Point to ponder: Was wondering today just how far we've come since even the end of last season. Thinking about it, I really don't think that our squad last year would have ever been able to win 3-0 against a Conference side. Or indeed even look Conference level. I think I might have to re-adjust my initial prediction of top eight at this rate.

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) How funny was the chant "3-0 to the Ryman League"? (2) Nice relaxed atmosphere before the game. Seriously, I couldn't believe how mellow it all felt. (3) Mentioned the amount of Barnet fans before, but wasn't it weird to have away fans, let alone ones who could chant? AFC Wallingford, take note. (4) Anyone else notice the buzz that Jones B gets whenever he gets the ball? Reminds me of Andy Clarke, hopefully minus the nickname of Jigsaw and him being aquitted for beating the shit out of his girlfriend.

Franchise watch: Fresh from sharing seven a room in Iceland - Pete must have been so happy with the hidden video footage of that - they played crackpot (?) NI team Glentoran. Who worryingly seem to have a tie-up with Franchise. That said, relationships between the two could be getting worse. Firstly, a Glentoran player was going to sign for them and then didn't. And today, they beat the Frenzies 1-0. No idea of the attendance, though I believe that more people go to Sinn Fein meetings on the Shankhill Road than go to Franchise matches.

Anything else? Yeah. Was I the only one to hear Radio Jilly (Radio Jackie. Geddit?) coming back when they offered a Corinthian Casuals prize. It was a ticket to next week's game against Man U, plus free entry to one game for next season. Except AFC Wimbledon......

So, was it worth it? Why, yes.

In a nutshell: Give the Ryman title to us right now, save us playing the season.

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23 July 2004

Like about 200 other bored hardy souls, I traipsed down to deepest Sussex to watch YMCA 2 Borstal 0. Which, it has to be said, was a tad unfair on us. OK, it wasn't our first team, and it appears that our back four hasn't played together before, but when you hit the woodwork about three times, make a great deal of the play, and lose the first goal to a penalty that would be described by most people as "harsh" (or described by SW19 as "fucking poxy"), you're entitled to feel a little bit POed. We had some new players, check out the OS if you want to know who they were. I think really this was another try-out session, so I suppose that you shouldn't read too much into the result

Still, I suppose you'll be awaiting some more info. So...

Plus points: Jones B played sublime. Constantly pushing forward even at 2-0 down. At least it didn't rain during the game

Minus points: But it did on the journey back. Losing. Without scoring.

The referee's a.....: Bloody hell. If I was to tell you that he got the biggest cheer when he gave us something after 75 minutes, would that suffice? Looked a bit like Charles Koppout by all accounts, with the same grasp of the rules of football.

Them: Club very welcoming, players went a bit Southallesque on us, crocking at least one of our players. Bastards. Seemed to have perfected staring at the linesman whenever things went against them, which seemed to have the desired effect. What do they teach them in youth hostels?

Incidentally, and in true fascist pig journo style I have no qualms about repeating this, had a very interesting chat with a very high up official at Horsham YMCA. Basically - YMCA's ground is owned by them and is worth something like £7m. Horsham FC - who we're playing soon in the Ryman and are looking forward to us, and our cash - are paying stupid money to their players, are considering selling their ground, and moving to a council owned place in the less salubrious part of town. Now, where have we heard THAT before? Just bear this info in mind when in a couple of years time you read about Horsham FC about to go under and rattling the collection tin under our noses.

Spotted: One Anne Eames......

Roast Pork: Ought to go into "Truth..." but is worth a category on its own. The lovely West Sussex constabulary turned up. Good of them. Except they went just a tad beyond the call of duty. I counted no less than six coppers, who all came in one big van. And then, as the pic to your right shows, they even bought in CCTV. Last time I saw that was at Plough Lane when we played West Ham. Now, there was the Horsham vs Crawley chav derby next door, so maybe they were just checking us out, but it is a bit of overkill. Either that or the CCTV is being used as cheap footage for next season's end-of-season DVD. And as somebody said to me yesterday, with that level of un-necessary surveillance, is it any wonder people get fucked off with the police?

Point to ponder: Why can't we score? Seriously. It's not like we're not getting shots on target because we are, and I seriously doubt if KC leaving has anything to do with it. What does worry me is that a bad start will get the professional neo-Luddite whingers on everyone's back. Point is this : other teams in similar positions to us told us at the end of last season that we'd need to massively renovate our squad this close season. Which we are - in fact, I'm surprised it hasn't gone further. Methinks a lot of people need to see what really happens at this level....

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) Horsham FC refer to Horsham YMCA as the "donkey sanctuary". Isn't it nice to see mutual respect and appreciation of your nearest rivals? (2) Us having the half time team talk on the pitch again, a la Banstead. Come on, it wasn't as bad as us at half time at Oxford in 1987, when Harry threw them out of the dressing room. (3) Dons Outlook filming next to me......

Anything else? Yes. The YMCA goalie has a VERY loud voice.

So, was it worth it? Probably, these things take time

In a nutshell: Would really love to see a PSF win. Please?

And finally: A whole report without one mention of the Village People. Oops....

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21 July 2004

Pre season continues, and the expected stuffing actually turned into a credit worthy Bees 2 Bluebottles 0. Credit worthy because it did show that we were capable of holding our own. Despite not recognising most of our new players - and just as I had started to recognise our old ones - it looked pretty much a team starting to click. In many ways, this reminded me a bit of the Dorchester PSF last season. A higher team and matching them. Obviously, then we stuffed the West Country side, but the signs are there for another promising season.

The game itself? It was a PSF but it looked good. OK, their goals were a mixture of static defending and a good second goal but the promise is there. We could have got a couple ourselves, and the mood at the end was positive.

Anyway....

Plus points: Matching for the most part a side FIVE divisions above us. Fitness clearly not a problem even at this early stage - and people still get uppity at DA's fitness regime? Looking far better when Jamie Taylor and Jones B came on. Kept pressing forward even at 2-0 down. Naisbitt looked good, despite his new nickname of Rab C.

Minus points: Losing. Not scoring. To quote the bloke behind me, we had as much penetration as a miniscule cock. Defence looked static at their first goal. Set pieces utter shite.

The referee's a.......: Disallowed our goal for no apparent reason. Typical League ref, always giving decisions against the plucky underdogs (that's us, by the way).

Them: Apparently, it was a very strong side of theirs, even with John Salako playing. So on that score we did even more brilliantly. Obviously, being highly trained professionals they should have beaten us. Even included a couple of internationals, like Deon Burton. Transpires that a few Brentford fans thought we were very good.

Song Sung Blue: Some gooduns last night. Try "You're supposed to be at home" and "What division are you in?" to the home fans. They didn't answer, perhaps they didn't get our sophisticated, ironic verses. Either that or they're miserable bastards. The will-he-go-won't-he-go Danny Oakins got a "Don't sign for Aldershot" song (he won't be, apparently). When he went off he clapped us. Symbolic? Oh, and the Ole-type cries when we were 2-0 down on 70 minutes whenever we touched the ball must surely rank on the higher scale of post-modern ironic footballing wit.

Point to ponder: Just why did Brentford insist on calling us Wimbledon FC? I know the argument for/against dropping the AFC prefix can get a bit heated at times, and personally I think we should keep it at all costs, but I did find it strange and if I'm being honest it did feel like we were being referred to as Franchise. Others seemed to like it though....

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) How weird was it that last time we were at Griffin Park, we had just found out about MK, the Lebanese Hamas Funder was acting like an arse in a pub and we spent most of the time yelling blue murder and/or turning our backs on the game? (2) Didn't the planes remind you of Bedfont? Incidentally, Griffin Park is home to Britain's biggest advertising hoarding. (3) How loud were we? (4) Them playing the Liquidator on the PA at half time - you're supposed to ape Chelski on the pitch, not off it.

Franchise watch: So, their big game at the NHS against Leicester, guaranteed sellout against recently relegated Premier opposition who aren't that far away and they got........... 1,579. Yes, 1,579. I think we got more for that at Sandhurst away last season. If there is any passing Frenzy, I would like to say that your team is shit. Your club is shit. Your chairman is shit. You are shit. Your club is a fucking embarrasment to the football community. You are the smelly unlikeable little rat boy whose only contribution to the whole world ever is by shitting everywhere. Look at us getting 2,562, yes, the pub team of deserters getting 2,562. I would invite you to suck our collective dick but you'd enjoy it because it means somebody giving a shit about your remote little poxy existance. Please kill yourself, very quickly and with as less fuss and mess as possible. You whine enough as it is, and we're not interested in hearing your cries of mock pain and phony persecution. And you lost 4-2.

Hello mum: Special greetings to the following people who asked nicely if they could be mentioned. So, hello to Sam "The Don" Elliott who just wanted a mention. And also to Jason "Baskers" Baskaran (hope I spelt your surname right) and Matt Lock, who were both arguing over the ownership of the phrase "Mrs Pollard is a slut". I think that's an in-joke. And finally, many thanks to the very lovely SK of WUP's "Ask SK" fame, for letting me under her umbrella for the second half. And her loving hubby who didn't complain.....

Anything else? Yeah. Why were there adverts for the Met Police's Domestic Violence campaign in the men's toilets?

So, was it worth it? Probably. At least we got half the gate receipts

In a nutshell: Maybe this fixture will be a regular one in a few years time...

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10 July 2004

Isn't it nice to be back watching our blue/yellow shirted heroes strut their stuff? What do you mean, you want a couple of more weeks rest? Oh well, back to reality, with Dagenham Motors 1 Crispins 0 getting our attention. The game itself was full of committment - I made the comment last season that at this level, PSFs have a bit of passion to them, and this one was no exception. Although our strike force looked quite impotent, considering we were playing a team who are only two divisions behind Franchise we more than equipped ourselves. And indeed, after they scored we went up a gear and maybe could have nabbed something at the end

Now, I have no idea who was who (nothing changes) but then a lot of people didn't. I missed the goal BTW, I was in the queue for a cup of tea. But some interesting notes : DA appears very strict, the players look fitter than ever (one female of my aquaintance was very intrigued by the physiques of our players), our new goalie (Danny Naisbitt) looks good, the returning Roger Joseph (more comebacks than Jesus Christ) wasn't so good, and Joe Sheerin looked red and puffed out. And this was in the warm up

Shaking off the ring rust, let us continue....

Plus points: Holding our own against a top Conference side. More than matching them in some areas of the pitch. The fact that the different teams in the two halves looked more than capable looks promising.

Minus points: Losing sucks. Looked distinctly Ryman League up front. D&R came far too close to scoring again for my liking.

The referee's a......: Well, did you notice him? I didn't. Was shorter than virtually everyone else on the pitch, including Jones B.

Them: Gawd blimey guvnor. Luv-a-duck. Gawd bless the Queen Mum she elped us during the awld Blitz eh? Reggie and Ronnie, good to their old mum they was, always said please and fank you, always shook yer hand before shooting you, real gentlemen. Oi, no facking Jews. Ahem. Anyway, they were pretty OK I suppose, one little incident notwithstanding (please see below). Walk from the station to the ground was real deep East London/Essex territory. Plenty of beer guts and Chav England away strips on show. Didn't Morrissey once do a song called Dagenham Dave?

WUPped: It appears that WUP got into trouble today. Along with the Daggers fanzine, a certain ex-editor was repremanded - "quite victriolic" were the exact words - for selling said organ on D&R's property. It appears that the D&R chairman hauled WUP into an office, and gave a five minute diatribe, with such choice words as "After all I've done for your club". Hmm, if that's the case, doesn't that smell of pettyness? After all, the Daggers fanzine managed to sell quite openly inside the ground in the second half.

Hang the DJ: I've never been to a nightclub in Essex, and have no particular desire to go to one, but I imagine that the sort of music they play in such places is what I heard over the PA today. Put it this way, Aztec Camera was the best band they played. When you consider that people in Essex do one of three things on a Saturday night - (1) Drink. (2) Fight. (3) Contribute to the general decline in standard of the gene pool, is it any wonder they have poor taste in music?

Point to ponder: How weird was it going on a District Line train, stopping at Upton Park and not get off?

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) Having my tea spilt by a gentleman, scalding him AND me getting a quid back as compensation. (2) Their ground had a clock. (3) And they had one of those electric substitute boards. (4) 1009 people there, 1008 probably thinking that they wished they'd had another couple of weeks off. (5) Why did D&R swap shirts on substitution?

Franchise watch: Or as we must now call them, Milton Keynes Dons. Despite changing their name, their kit, their badge (complete with MMIV) we are told they are the same club. Bit like somebody having a sex change from a man to a woman and we're told that said sex-change person still has a penis. Anyhow, they played Newport Pagnall today and won 3-0. They must be so proud. But best of all, a gem from yesterday's Telegraph : they were so fucked financially that Grant Thornton told the players that they had to buy their own playing pants. Seriously. Suffice to say, the remaining youth squad rebelled and Franchise still has to provide their knickers, but they have to supply their own shower gel instead. I ought to make a comment, but I really can't.

Anything else? Urm, not really.

So, was it worth it? Well, it is nice to be back

In a nutshell: Here we go again....

And finally: As the PSFs are back, I'll be going to most of them, but (especially the evening games) I probably won't be writing them up. Forget Banstead, I'm going behind the old Iron Curtain/into New Europe again so I won't be able to add a report. IMO it's a stupid PSF to have, especially as we're playing them next season. If you really feel the need or wanton desire to write a PSF report, please do. No guarantees that it'll be used but the offer is there.