22 November 2003

Apparently, there was some little tournament going on that a few people got excited about. Oh yeah, England beat Australia in the Rugby Union WC final or something. Very good, though I bet this time next week, when the Zurich Premiership gets going again, most people will ignore the game totally.

Speaking of ignoring the game, anyone put off by the weather today would have missed the delights of Half Price Reduction 3 Blue Cross Sale 0. I say "delights", but the only thing I can really comment on was the weather. It sucked. No, it more than sucked. It was cold, wet, horrible, and as I type this now I'm still dripping. In fact, by the time you read this my clothes will still be wet. The people doing the forking nearly gave up at about 1230 because of the surface water still on the pitch. Still, it went ahead and didn't even become a mudbath, though the quality of the pitch and the hardness of grass in general helped matters. So, well done to all concerned, I didn't really fancy that in the evening

As for the game? Basically, we were in control, a few attempts at goal but really once KC scored in the first half that was it. The weather (sorry, can't help bringing it up) prevented much though Bolger's second goal was thanks to the WBX defenders attempting to clear their lines by kicking the ball a bit high and a bit behind their back. I think the expression is "bloody awful". Oh, and does Matt Everard only score goals from corners? He certainly did today.

The rest of it? Well....

Plus points: Win. Clean sheet. In crappy weather. Potential banana skin overcome. Kept going forward in a Man U like style even when we were 3-0 up. JS had one of his best games for us.

Minus points: None, considering

The referee's a........: Oh dear. Missed some pretty meaty challenges, though he probably spent all his powers of concentration helping with the pitch mopup beforehand

Them: Right dirty bastards in the beginning, kicked us Southall-like in the first 10 minutes. Gave that idea up when they realised that all of our players were still walking, and settled into their role of valiant losers (translation : they were a bit shit). Tried hard though, in a nice patronising pat-on-head-now-run-along-little-boy way. No idea about what their kit was though, a sort of three coloured band job. Looks like they were nicked from a gaelic football team from some backwater in Westmeath.

Food and Drink: Two things : firstly, I was asked to mention about the queuing at the hardcore Athletics End (and trust me, the AE was definitely hardcore today) by those serving behind the counter. Just have, and I didn't say anything rude about it. They even do hot food there now. Secondly, the people running the other tea bar (WB end) are Polish. Wonder if they'll start selling kabanos there?

Song sung blue: Just what the hell was that "I've shagged Matilda" song to "Waltzing Matilda"?

Point to ponder: Somebody told me today that until RP Vile on the 27th December there is about 2 KM games at most. Now, is that warped scheduling or what? And what's the betting we get a massive backlog of fixtures because of it?

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) Today's game was sponsored by the Worker's Beer Company, which is basically one of those ethical co-op type ventures that AFCW likes to cosy up to (insert comment about share issues, 49% and AFCW PLC here). Got a massive cheer when announced, which is less to do with workers' solidarity and more to do with the fact that it's beer. (2) Having "Swing Low Sweet Chariot" sung before the game. Did you know it's actually a spiritual song sung by black Americans during the cotton picking days? No, I have no idea of its relevance to rugby (or football) either.

Franchise watch: Lost 1-0 to the Lebanese British Consulate Bomber's team. I got to see their goal on Sky and while there was officially 5000 or so there, the "home" ends looked half full if that. 2200 Soul Crew turned up, hopefully they showed a novel way of how to reconstruct a town. The thing is, they are no better off than being at SP during the dark days, and their attendances are only semi-respectable because of the amount of away fans they get in. Hmm, where have we heard that before? That said, I've read some MK gimps' comments about how they're not that far away from the playoffs etc, how they're going to get loads of fans. The usual comments that were pre-written for them by Wankelmann and told to regurgitate at every given opportunity. Wankers the lot of them, and they're so gullible they're the sort of people who would send their kids away for a weekend at Neverland Ranch

Anything else? Yeah, apparently lots of new merchandise about, which is always good. Though I did hear a couple of complaints about the cost of the rugby shirts. Thing is, shirts for sporting clubs etc are always going to be more expensive, they can't mass produce them so much as say M&S. Simply put, if you disagree with the price, don't buy them.

So, was it worth it? A win is a win, so I guess so. Anyone training to see how much water they can subject themselves to would have found today a useful exercise as well.

In a nutshell: Another hurdle overcome..

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20 November 2003

Right, firstly, MASSIVE apology for the delay in writing up the Walton game. As some of you may know, I'm on the WISA Committee and I've been helping out with the DT Questionnaire, which was compiled by Charlie Bell and is available here if you haven't seen it already. And proof-reading, defending from accusations of loaded questions (you can guess what I think), and some frankly downright evil shit-stirring aimed at people on WISA and some candidates as well. As it stands, things are turning into a bit of a bloodbath, and I can't think of how this election can survive without people being massively put off because of the mud slinging. We shall see.

Anyway, if you've got any nice comments about the questionnaire, let me know. A psychologist would have a field day with the reactions before, during and after its publication.....

So....

Typical. Bloody typical. We try our hardest to throw ourselves out of some crappy cup tournament that has an acroynm that sounds like some chemical company (the Premier Challenge Cup, or PCC) and we still end up bloody winning. Actually, that's a bit unfair as K-Mart 5 Wal-Mart 4 was a damn good game. OK, so being 3-0 after 30 minutes sucked the big one, and watching Wales go out to Russia was a more tempting option, but as far as comebacks go, this really did rock. Basically, we went 3-0 down, then we got a penalty. Which Ryan Gray duely slotted. Second half saw a turnaround on a scale of epic proportions, namely a crappy back pass (under presssure no less) pegged it back to 3-2. Cue mass orgy.

Then they went 4-2 up again. End mass orgy. Then it starts getting West Ham 4-3 territory again. Firstly, after much pressure, Matt Everard proved why he really is the wank fantasy of many by netting to make it 4-4. Cue yet another mass orgy. Finally, after 8.5 minutes injury time - yup, Mr Fish at G&G again - and let's face it, this was coming, a 5th goal again by Everard probably made a couple of people pregnant in the ensuing romp. And all this for a PCC game. Quite.

Let's look at the evidence.....

Plus points: The comeback of comebacks. Kept going till the end. Superior fitness.

Minus points: Defence went back to bad old ways. Very bad old ways.

The referee's a........: Oh dear. Where the hell did they drag him up from? Missed stuff - including Danny O trying to decapitate an oppo player - but did give us a penalty. Funny comment - the ref gave a foul throw (probably illegally) and some wag behind me commented "CCL refs don't give foul throws". Well, I thought it was funny.

Them: Hmm. Isn't Danny Wheeler a lovely boy? No, really. Oh, and their bench reportedly gave it a little bit of some when they were 4-2 up.

Point to ponder: In many ways, should we have not tried to win this game? We have Wooton on Saturday in the Vase, we are going to lose sometime and how many people really take this contest seriously? Oh all right, I know we do...

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) The 10 year old kid behind me who kept asking "who's the wanker in the black" and called their goalie a "retard". Obviously an SW19 afficiado. (2) The kids-with-one-adult kids section in the JS stand. Nicknamed the Michael Jackson stand as no self-respecting youngster wants to go in there. Especially without proper protection. (3) Entertaining the flatmate of a regular SW19 reader, who had come to their first game and enjoyed it immensely, even if the celebrations were a little too physical. Still, said person never forgot their first time, especially with two blokes ensuring she loved it.

Anything else? Yeah, weren't Scotland and Wales shit?

So, was it worth it? As a spectacle, certainly was. But I can't help thinking it might have been better if we'd lost. Strange that.

In a nutshell: Saturday's much more important.

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15 November 2003

Guess who forgot his camera? Yup, you guessed it. Still, you would have been able to get a good butchers at yet another stuffing, the latest one-sided result being Leg O'Mutton 0 Gander O'Green Lane 4. After a very very boring first half, where we have virtually no shots on target and they had less, a half time bollocking followed by plenty of smashed teacups and a few dented teeth to boot gee-up in the dressing room seemed to have the desired effect. Firstly, KC netted with a rather straightforward goal, then the proverbial floodgates proverbially opened. Second goal was an archetypal Matt Everard goal. And jokes about "bulging" are getting predictable, so you can insert your own. Thirdly, a mixture of Joe Sheerin goaline skill, Paul Scott acrobatics (and miskick) combining with Lee Sidwell put us further ahead, before the arsewhipping ended with JS himself getting a tap in. All a bit too easy really.

Right...

Plus points: Win. Away. Clean sheet. Etc. Kept attacking throughout the match.

Minus points: None, really

The referee's a....... : Managed to miss a penalty for us, in fact he didn't give much at all. Was described as "a bit crap" or a "blind cunt" and is NOT a child rapist (which is a popular form of abuse in Tamworth, apparently).

Them: Win brownie points for admitting they switched the game to GGL because they wanted more money. They looked like they nicked Wallingford's kit, and on 30 minutes decided that they would start kicking us instead. Their #2 being a right dirty bastard. They had a couple of attempts on goal (well, they got into our box once or twice), though when one of their players had a 1-on-1 when they were 4-0 down and fell arse over tit, that just summed up their day.

GGL: OK, I admit it. I prefer GGL to Kingsmeadow. I always have, even when we were in the Prem, and deep down, I would have preferred to have had das Volkstadion in SM6. Yes, I know the parking is a bit crap, and the pitch/stands aren't quite as good, but it feels a bit more homely. Bit more of an AFCW area if you see what I mean...

Spotted: Michael "MC" Harvey on Soccer AM, sporting his AFCW tracksuit and making mincemeat over the floundering gloryhunter Tim Lovejism and over-rated slapper Helen Chamberlain. While Sucker AM should have been elbowed eons ago, it's still the same tired old jokes. Not too sure about his claim that we'll go up into the Conference South because of our fanbase - unless he knows something we don't - and is likely to be with us for a couple more years.

Song Sung Blue: Loud as fuck in the second half, with some good banging of the Securicor roof and a good solid sing of "Terry Eames Yellow/Blue Army". Their goalie got it big time, as he was fat, ginger and wearing a bandana : "Ginger and he's fat" being one of them, "Get that teatowel off your head" being another. Bizzare "Number One lost his skateboard". Also, "Can you hear the Cobham sing?" was followed by the mandatory "Shall we sing a song for you?". I think singing the Champagne Song at Cobham is a bit too ironic, though I am fully aware that some people in Cobham are so poor they only have three Mercs in the drive.

Point to ponder: It certainly wasn't the case in the second half, but somebody did suggest to me today at HT that the atmosphere was "as usual" not that much. After the suggestion of a swearing section at KM, the comment made was that people are a bit too PC and people are perhaps scared of singing anything that may cause offense. Now, I did wonder this, especially as some people are a bit hostile to the MC Harvey chants. OK, I am fully aware that 95% of our fanbase are middle class liberals, who all drink Fair Trade coffee and have helped fund Michael Moore's very expensive (and exclusive, ie no riff raff, ie the people who buy his books) pad in New York's Upper West side, and even an un-PC oik like me (I read the Telegraph and Spectator, fer chrissake) is aware that certain things shouldn't be sung. But I noticed today that people seem to think "ah fuck it" and give some large, especially about Dean Holdsworth's wife, and yes, MC Harvey. And I think the atmosphere was great, considering (because of?) this. Backlash? Dunno, but worth considering, methinks...

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) Dobo Jnr's scalding looked nasty, basically the whole of his right hand upper body is bandaged up. Does make you wonder what the hell he did with a kettle to get in that state - on second thoughts, do we want to know? (2) Seeing a massive leaf fight between three kids in the first half. More entertaining than the game, certainly. (3) Some naughty boy openly drinking Strongbow at the Securicor end in the second half. Don't worry, I won't point you out. (4) Yeovil fan at game. Is he the same Yeovil fan who went to at least one of our games last season as well?

Opposition watch: Chipstead drew. Ha. Oh, and Franchise won unfortunately, though as Gills gave away loads of free tickets and the Franchise fans took up their obligatory row of seats, even getting HIV seems more preferable.

Anything else? Urm, not really. Is it true that this is our 27th straight victory?

So, was it worth it? Yeah, guess so

In a nutshell: Can we dare think the unthinkable?

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Oh christ, how can I write about our 200 billionth straight win without repeating myself, or sounding jaded, dismissive of the opposition or indeed sounding like a home counties Man U fan, complete with newly purchased shirt and Premiershit Plus subscription? OK, here goes ....... it finished Orange Order 6 Orange and White 0, both Joe Sheerin and Gavin Bolger got two goals each. KC netted with his head and got disallowed by a linesman clearly in shock at seeing him use his bonce. First goal a bit of pinball, second goal from an angle so tight that it seemed to defy any laws of physics, remainder of the goals a mixture of decent headers and mix-ups

Except one goal : I believe we may have seen our goalie do what people like Lurch couldn't do - score with a goal kick. Basically, it bounced a couple of times from the other end, and the HW goalie fumbled it like a new prisoner fumbles a bar of soap in the communal showers on his first day. He suffered the same sort of arse-fucking from behind as well, as he saw it go into our net. So, did he touch it? Did the hovering KC get a little touch? Have we seen the sort of goal we've always wanted to see? Until we get official confirmation, I'm giving it to our #1 shirted player. Hell, even Phillo gave it out on the tannoy as such. Well, stops him plugging his DT candidacy I suppose......

Onto more interesting matters

Plus points: Record wins. Clean Sheet. Six goals. Kept going even when we were 4-0 up, and looked hungry for more.

Minus points: If you can count taking our foot off the gas with about 20 minutes to go

The referee's a......: Now, we all know what they say about having household pets with firework displays. And I assume that the guide dog of today's official was shitting bricks in the cupboard under the stairs, which is why he wasn't helping its master out today. Decided to miss most things, though he did give a free kick to us as one of their players fouled MC Harvey. A dangerous thing to do, as later tonight the player who found him will find himself laden with bullets through his honky ass, after fronting one of the So Solid niggaz.

Them: Intrigue and mystery, non-league style, abounds here. Yesterday, their manager (one "Big" Geoff) quit HW for reasons unclear. Today, on hearing from a source quoting another source quoting Terry Eames in the kebab shop (this stuff writes itself, doesn't it?), the HW main bods wanted to bring in four ringers from Aldershot. Big Geoff reportedly said "no way" and threatened to quit if they got said ringers in. Anyway, they did and he did. How true this story is I don't know, though their #2 and their goalie looked good in parts. Would have been funny had the ringers been their back four. Anyway, they hit the post but were otherwise shit.

Weather with you: Christ, was it cold or what? I could hardly write notes down as my hands became as operational as the HW's goalie's attempt at stopping our goalie's shots.

Rock hard election: Now that the utterly stupid "don't-campaign-unofficially-except-if-you-pay-for-programme-space-and-hoarding" rule has been scrapped, the first signs of heavy campaigning has begun. Already, unofficial ads for certain candidates were seen on various walls and at the back of the hAE, I await to see the first public slaggings off. Now, SW19 has firmly nailed his darkened colours to the proverbial mast, you will have to get the latest WUP to find out what I'm saying (come on, all proceeds go to the Ground Fund, dammit), and I do stand by it all. So there. Incidentally, I didn't go to it, but there was a surgery type thing beforehand, with reportedly about 10 prospective candidates there. Out of 20 on the list, and assuming that figure is legit, that's not a very good start for half the field, especially as formal opportunities to interrogate the candidates isn't that plentiful.

Point to ponder: Apart from Paul Scott's gloryhunting play? There isn't one really, not today. I'm too cold to think.

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) Me getting told off for calling our goalie a "fucking idiot" for dropping the ball in our box. We were 6-0 up at the time. (2) Niall Couper's new book, signed by everyone (including Mr Couper himself), and it's a damn good read. Except page 182. (3) Was MC Harvey REALLY up front towards the end of the first half? (4) 3004 there. Amazing.

Franchise FC watch: Oh god, this is so funny. They lost 3-1 to Rotherham, they had a yoof team goalie playing (poor sod) and he got sent off. No idea how many Frannies made the long journey from Football Frenzyville, but I'm sure a couple of taxi drivers went home happy today.

Anything else? Yeah, by the time (some of) you read this, the events at Wimbledon Stadium tonight will have been and gone (as I find dog racing tedious I got out of it by slinging a sly fiver for their raffle). No doubt everyone will be pleased to see the dogs there running around, on all fours, panting away. And some people may be interested in the greyhounds as well

So, was it worth it? With that cold snap, it bloody well ought to be

In a nutshell: Champions by when, exactly?

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1 November 2003

Yet another day, yet another ..... get the drift yet? Good. OK, it ended up Tilehurst 0 Selhurst 2 and for the zillionth time in a row, it was yet another not-really-out-of-third-gear-at-best performance, but was still more than enough not to enduce panic. The appearance of Keith Ward in our ranks notwithstanding, we went 1-0 up with a beautiful cross. In fact, so beautiful that if the cross was a woman, you would see the cross on the front cover of Maxim bending down seductively and exposing acres of cleavage. With such a metaphore, it was unsurprising that Matt Everard bulged the net. Second half? Well, Ryan Gray did give a nice whack to make it 2-0, and we did get a nice Robin Hood song to boot

Elsewhere...

Plus points: Won. Away. Clean sheet. Blah. Etc. Yada. Oh, and our crossing was good

Minus points: The game was a bit shit though

The referee's a ....... : Was affectionally termed a "cunt", and it was suggested that he loved his whistle a lot. You are within your rights to insert a crude comment about the ref enjoying blowing something

Them: Well, er, I've got to be nice to them after I got accused of being insulting to other teams for them being easy pickings (unless the "you're rude" comment is a complement). So..... they pushed forward a couple of times, and even had us under the cosh for a while. Well, they did have a shot on goal on 50 minutes and got a corner on 51. They themselves wished us well on the PA - "we're sorry we may never see you again" - though the area itself is full of neds (ask any Glaswegian what that means) and some of the more primitive of pikey. A reported sighting of one such local with shoulder length hair and a shaven top is one I'm glad is not taken. Coincidentally, their main stand was thought to be constructed by PIKEA....

Song Sung Blue - Reading Town goalie special: Boy did he get it. The former Hartley Witney shot-stopper, named Michael (don't know his second name), kept getting his first name sung in some of the most mumsy-like, high pitched voices I've ever heard. If you remember the mother in "Sorry" who kept saying "Language, Timothy", you'd understand. One of our number, who's obsession with apes borders on requiring extensive therapy, suggested that Michael touched chimps where they don't want to be touched, that the goalkeeper likes performing oral sex on monkeys and even labelled the goalie a "sicko"....

Three's a crowd: I am sure there were less there this time than last year. It was a shit journey then, and it felt worse coming home. It was certainly very empty 30 minutes before kick-off. Some do reckon that the attendance was the same as last year, but with the amount of alcohol many drunk last year, I am not convinced they even knew that they went to the game last season.

Point to ponder: Why DOES Joe Sheerin look much redder in the face after 40 minutes than anyone else?

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) Reading Town #2 had no left arm. Seriously. As much as I do genuinely admire the guy for playing with such a disability, it did make the calls for "handball" just that little bit more dubious. (2) At least three of our players propping up the bar during the second half. Leaving one female Womble to come out of the bar in the second half looking rather red in the face and claiming she felt like she'd been slapped in the face. (3) The Reading Town groundsman acting like Viz's Parkie and confiscating a football at HT from some kids. In true Womble fashion, the kids nicked the ball back. They'll go far.

Franchise FC watch: I really wasn't going to mention them, but... they played on Sky at the very same time as I was on a train hand-writing this very report (yes, I do hand-write reports on occasions). They won, but this is the most important thing. Their attendance was 3334. That's 3334. At Milton Keynes, at their spiritual new home, on telly. And half of them looked like they were on freebies. I am not too sure whether to laugh, cry or get angry.

One other thing, on the week that Plough Lane finally is going to be built on, I hear that Hammam was at a Franchise reserve game this week (sitting next to Koppout, no less) and was claiming that he was the Father of AFC Wimbledon. If either of those are remotely true, I would like to put something witty, thought provoking and something of deep intellectual thought and diction that would gain me wide acclaim in the literary world. But I won't, I just hope the pure evil cunt gets raped by somebody with HIV.

Hello mum: Which Womble offered £100 to the Stadium Fund if Wardy didn't score, and who acted like they'd been spanked hard after he managed to miss a header 5 inches out?

So, was it worth it? Oooh, possibly

In a nutshell: I have no idea what to write if we lose. Honest...

One more thing, I managed to go through the entire report without mentioning how bloody cold it was. Oops...