30 October 2003

Another wet and windy day, another less-than-wet-and-windy performance. And this time, G&T 4 G&G 0 proved that despite not getting out of third gear all night we still looked the side most likely to win. OK, so it might have been a little bit flattering (we were only 2-0 up with not too long to go), but still.

Goals? OK, first goal was probably one of the most acutest angles I have ever seen, and typically KC netted it. Amazingly, it was with his foot. Second, twas a nice finish by Sidwell. Third, good header by Sully after a sublime cross by either Bolger or MC Harvey (this is starting to sound like a Billy The Fish cartoon). Fourth goal? Missed it, it was quickly taken

Bored? Good, so am I writing that boring on-pitch stuff. So...

Plus points: We won. Yet again. Clean sheet. Could have gone up some more gears if needed. MC Harvey showed why he should give up the music career.

Minus points: Fucking hell, it was cold.

The referee's a ....... : Now, I wouldn't say he was a bit apprehensive about letting the game flow, but when he left KM last night he blew his whistle at somebody down the street for not looking before crossing the road. Missed a couple of penalties, his guide dog clearly hiding from the fireworks. Thankfully, it wasn't Mr Fish.

Them: Usual cannon-fodder who should be grateful that they're on the same pitch as us. OK, that does make me sound like a Man U fan, but there is an element of truth to it. They did have a couple of corners though, though we were spared a resultant lap of honour.

Request time: OK, I really don't normally do this, but if anyone wants to go to that Dog Night, please contact whoever it is you contact. Having a certain female organiser begging you and using every bit of subtlety to get me to go along ended up making me spill my pint of Guinness.

PAye: (1) That version of the current #1 song for AFC Wimbledon. Played three times and led at least one person to say "did he just mention AFC Wimbledon?". Expect the song to be bootlegged all across the Womble nation. (2) I am now apparently 400 years old.

Point to ponder: Was there really 2700 there last night? Certainly 10 minutes before kickoff it felt dead empty. If it is true, then consider the crappiness of the weather, that is pretty good. Success breeds success.

Truth is stranger than fiction: The constant plugging of Radio Jackie. Now, I remember RJ when it was pirate radio coming out of a shop unit in downtown Morden (shop now a bakers or something), and you know what? Their playlist is still the same as it was 18 years ago. Still, nice of them to give away zillions of car stickers, however putting them out on cars in the rain was not the most logical marketing opportunity....

Anything else? Yeah - where the fuck was the hardcore Athletics End tea bar? Disgraceful, all concerned should be sacked etc etc.

So, was it worth it? Guess so

In a nutshell: Keep on keeping on

Oh, and while I'm here, the Dons Trust election candidates were up yesterday. I will be writing quite a few column inches on this in the not-too-distant future.....

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26 October 2003

So this was it, then. High Noon at the ¹Leafe. It was therefore fitting that the top-of-the-table showdown should mark the debut of AFCW¹s latest hyped-up signing. In the event, Green and White Stripes (feat. Fat Boy Nos 2, 3, 4, 5 ...) 0 v. So Solid Blues (feat. Harveys Bristol Cream) 3 provided lots of action. But there was never much doubt as to who was going to strut off into the sunset as top dog.

The Wombles faithful entering the stadium during the warm-up experienced a tangible frisson as they discovered that MC ŒPJ¹ Harvey was not sitting on the bench, he was in at number 3. He was actually going to be playing! Kick-off was delayed by fifteen minutes -- probably to allow time for all the tabloid hacks to stream into the stadium. Pity they had come to suss out PJ¹s missus (tactfully absent apparently), not the man himself.

Anyway, we kicked off and established our superiority immediately. The ball hardly ever left the Chipstix half. It was only a matter of time before we scored, and sure enough, fifteen minutes in, Joe headed the ball nicely out on the left for Ryan to send in one of his lofted passes. Was it a cross? Was it a strike? Did it matter? Ball in back of net, job¹s a good ¹un. Chipstix played their usual physical (ahem!) game, but the ref was operating a ³hands-off² policy, almost like a teacher standing back in the belief that it¹s good for the kids to sort things out among themselves. With that kind of indifference, he should go far in the FA. Heck, even I know something¹s wrong when one of our players is lying flat out on the ground, with one of theirs astride him clutching his throat.

In the end, however, even the ref couldn¹t ignore it when a Chipstix player jumped on Oakins as he played the ball in the box. Coops stepped up to take the penalty and it was two-nil to us.

The second half saw a change in mood, from Gunfight at the OK Corral to Annie Get Your Gun. The fouls got more farcical. The hands of the clock reached ³sending off Bassey² time, although one of theirs went too. MC Harvey hit the woodwork, narrowly missing a fairytale end to his debut. Scottie scored our third -- a spectacular volley rammed in off a perfect cross from Gray.

The match reached a climax when their No 16 -- who¹d come on only minutes previously -- had a ruck with the referee, after Scottie was felled by one of his team-mates. Exit No 16 stage left, pursued by his mullet. But it was all over well before that. The Chipstix game plan was basically a lot of bump and grind, signifying nothing. They defended deep, with not much up front. Once we scored, they had little to offer.



Plus points: MC ŒPJ¹ Harvey and Lee ŒRonnie¹ Carroll cut the mustard, though defensively we weren¹t challenged. Another Gray wonder goal. Scottie¹s goal -- a cracker. Danny Oakins walking away from trouble. Their goalie. Cute. Our new goalie. Also cute. With a habit (allegedly) of telling his team to ³Push up². Whatever that means.

Minus point: Bassey off. Again. Not totally his fault, though. Maybe more a tactical mistake on Sir Tel¹s part not to call him in after the first yellow.

The referee¹s a .... man of two halves. First 45 minutes, he followed the ³I¹m not going to stop the flow of the game² tendency. Second, he was in red card heaven.

Them: Easy to see how they went top of the league, with a stonewall defence based not so much on keeping the ball away from their goalie, but last-ditch clearances off the line. Thing was, once they¹d gone a goal down, they never looked like scoring.

Quotes: (1) ³... so I did Steve XXXXX² -- a female Womble recalling her activities of last weekend. Actually, she was referring to the fact she¹d signed his nomination papers for the Dons Trust elections. (2) ³We¹re not coming back out. We¹re having a shower and going home!² -- one of their players coming off after the pre-match warm-up. Bet he wishes he¹d meant it. (3) ³Fantastic hairdo!² -- a certain celebrity DJ on their goalie¹s New Romantic quiff. Worrying thing is, I don¹t think he was being entirely sarcastic.

Chants: All gangsta-related, of course. Favourite was probably: ³He¹ll be running round Clapham with a sawn-off down his socks!² Chorus: ³Singing, ŒI¹ve got a bigger gun than you!¹² Closely followed by: ³We¹re so solid it¹s unbelievable!²

Surreal moment of the match: The ageing steward parading round the ground with a white placard proclaiming: ³The cars shown below must be removed². Anyone remember the bloke who used to walk up and down Oxford Street advertising ³More nuts and vegetables for better sex² or something? Maybe it¹s the same one.

Point to ponder: Chipstix shirt sponsors are a company called Antell. If aforementioned celebrity DJ fixed ¹em a joint sponsorship with his indie radio station, would they go round with KissAntell on their chests?

Truth is stranger than fiction: Irish crooner Feargal Sharkey is now a radio regulator. Yep, you read that right. But what, you may ask, has this fact got to do with the match? Well, 80s classics featured heavily on the post-match playlist at the Whyteleafe Tavern. And the rendering of Mr Sharkey¹s classic hit ³A Good Heart² prompted a certain Supporters Direct caseworker to offer up this tangential fact. Nice to know our taxes are being spent paying people to acquire useless information.

So was it worth it? Is Winkelman a club-stealing, moneygrabbing, spaced-out, self-promoting c**t? Well, then ...

In a nutshell: We are top of the league, say we are top of the league! Bruv.

---

OK then everyone, nice little midweek update for you

Firstly, and most importantly of all, I'm not going to be around for Chipstead (I'm going to Vienna, and it's my birthday on Saturday, so all nice text messages appreciated), but there will be a report up as written by another one of our loyal readership. Just don't expect it to be up on Saturday evening :)

Secondly, bit more fallout from HB, their top bloke contacted us and said how much they enjoyed our money. Which is nice. We're now at KM (for once) in the next FAV game, against a team called Wootton Blue Cross (what a name). Based near ...... yup, the town that thinks it's a city. The amount of people who thought the game was away is frightening (I know at least one person who seriously asked how much the coach was going to be)..

Finally, another week, yet another new player. If you're under a certain age, you may be aware of a "garridge" musical collective called So Solid Crew, who go round talking about "playaz" and stuff like that. Anyway, one of their ensemble is a guy called MC Harvey, who's birth certificate has the rather more dull sounding Michael Harvey, who used to play football for Ford United. Well, he's now our player, which has added implications. SSC have had problems with shootings outside their gigs, and if this carries over into AFCW this might cause ructions. OK, so having a couple of heavies outside KM games with an AK47 or two might keep the Cambridge Estate lot under control, but I shudder to think what will happen outside the next time we get a G&G/Mr Fish scenario. I think the CCL may give us more than a 15 day ban...

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18 October 2003

Blimey, talk about going back in time or what? Bay Area 2 South Central 3 had the old mid 80s feel about it (in more ways than one). Tough opponents, for sure, and by far and away the hardest game we have played all season. However, even today we made life a bit more difficult for ourselves than we needed to. First part of the game, we could have had a couple (I think, I could see jack shit) before the man with the highly suggestive name, one Mr Everard, leapt up (I think) to nod home (I think). They came back with some shitty defending on our part. Second half got a bit scrappy, though thanks to their goalkeeper fucking it up totally miscalculating we went 2-1 up and looking for another victiory

Then, unlike all other teams that have dared to soil our path, HB scored. And scored well. Screamer it was as well. And from then on, it was heading for a replay. We were all planning on working out when to meet up on Wednesday when we got a last minute corner. Call me smug, but I had a feeling we'd score from it. And, when Everard once again sprung into life and bulged the onion bag, we all leapt up in orgasmic pleasure. I don't think I've seen so much joy since they invented Kraft cheese slices

Anyway...

Plus points: A win. In a difficult place. Generally went up a gear when needed. Held on well. Attacking till the last.

Minus points: Give you a clue - it's not attack, or midfield. Or goalie. Oh, complacency?

The referee's a.......: Well, I didn't think he was majorly idiotic, though he did reportedly miss DO twatting one of their players.

Them: Joint top in the Kent league, and boy, did it show. They were gutted at the finish but did applaud us, which was nice. Shame we didn't officially reach the 2k mark attendance wise. HB is a nice little place. And for once, they had a sizeable support, about 2-300 of them, with even a bit of singing thrown in. There were, however, a couple of negatives...

Womble Aggro: And as sure as night follows day, some products from a contaminated test tube decide to try their luck. Firstly - I had left the Royal Oak public house, having watched some of the rugby and with an orange juice in hand, and minutes later between 4-6 local boneheads came in and started chanting a mix of Millwall/Spurz/Chelski/MK songs, purely to start trouble (and reportedly being encouraged by the barstaff). Needless to say, red rag to bull time. Cue glass smashing and blood spilling, though in a weird sort of hoolie-type justice, it was the antagonists who were left needing some plasters and TCP

The game itself went without much incident (though the sight of one guy with tears streaming down his face and being questioned by two coppers shows all was not well), but the iffy stuff happened after the game. Firstly, one Womble got jumped upon and was looking rather reddened in the nose at the station. Reports that a couple of Burberry-clad arsewipes tried to mingle in Millwall-like with us, though without the requisite bottle. Then came the station : firstly, two local likely lads were scared away from the London bound platform a bit by about 5-6 of our lot. Then came an incident so bizzare it's impossible to get fully what happened : basically, a local appeared to try it on, spilt a bit of crimison for his troubles then made a mercy dash across the tracks (yes, you read that right) into the arms of nice Mr Policeman and his chums, plus his over-excitable pet hounds. The train pulled up and headed back to Londinium with the minimum of aggro.

I think we'll collectively have to stop being naive over all this : the more successful we come, the more likely these sort of occasions will happen. We've been generally lucky thus far, but non-league has more than its share of headcases. And while I'm fully aware that the above may sound a bit Red Issue/Brimson Bros type facts-reported-as-glorification, I personally would have prefered not to have written this. But let's face it, we do have some nutcases of our own.....

Quotes: (1) "I love the sound system here" - Thespian Womble, obviously taking the voice projection bit of his Drama degree too seriously. (2) "BR said that about 1800 were coming down" - Orange Hun sash-wearing bastard who complains that I never quote him at all. So, here you are. Now stop complaining :) (3) "Whoever scores in the next five minutes will win this game" - TBBM.

Point to ponder: Was I the only one who found that atmosphere strange today? When Everard scored the first, it was more like polite applause, as if we were expecting something bad to happen. And not just on the pitch either.

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) Pre-pube HB schoolgirls trying to get the HB crowd to sing a contrived chant at half time. Good luck girls, you sure as hell needed it. (2) Forgetting just how a "big" game feels like. Can you imagine what would happen if we won the damn thing? (3) The over-excitable announcer at Victoria tube station, Victoria line (southbound)

Anything else? Yeah, special mention to the AFCW/St Pauli fan who still managed to arrive at Victoria with three minutes to spare, despite leaving Hamburg very early this morning AND having no trains at Stansted...

So, was it worth it? I would guess so

In a nutshell: Let's try to crack the vase, not smash it

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11 October 2003

Right, before I give Navy 4 Army 1 a rubdown, a couple of things. Firstly, the Swiss should be kicked out of international football as they were responsible for stashing away Nazi gold as looted from the oppressed Jewish population during the second world war. In the current world climate, supporting a fascist regime must surely be frowned upon by the rest of the footballing community, and UEFA must take the strictest possible action against the cuckoo-clock constructors. And no, I am not bitter. Much. Secondly, that really WAS your humble and esteemed editor on page 22 of todays programme. Now, I know the photo makes me look (a) stoned, (b) somebody who has spent too long in the Maze prison and/or (c) suffering from HIV, but I don't look like that really. I hope. As for the "long pause" bit, my mind went totally blank for the question. Seriously. Don't worry, I doubt if I'll be asked again...

As for the game, as I have to report on it. In comparison to recent games, this was a tricky one and could have ended up embarrasing us. It all started off nice and brightly, with the usual goal after 3 minutes from Seb, thus nullifying the opposition's game plan and everyone's Golden Goal tickets at the same time. I think we must have switched off by then, as I don't know anyone who can remember the first half. Plenty of people down the hardcore Athletics End were discussing varied subjects like the weather, places to go on holiday, etc etc. A very nice and pleasant time was had by all, except that Sandhurst scored to a mass roar. Well, somebody went "yep" anyway. Second half I think we went up a gear, though as a spectacle, it sucked. It looked like our 100% stuffing-all-in-sight record was about to be broken, but up popped Matt Everard to bulge the onion bag and all was well with the world again. We went up a gear, and KC (after excellent work by Paul Scott) and the returning Lee Sidwell made the scoreline a lot more respectable, even if it was somewhat unreflective.

The rest of it?

Plus points: We won. Yet again. Paul Scott is still good. Winning games we would have probably lost last season. Scraping through

Minus points: Defence has as much power and strength as a Dido album

The referee's a....... : Hmm, yes, well. Allowed a little shouldercharge to occur.

Them: Now, I know everyone likes Sandhurst, those nice and cuddly people who bent over backwards for our first ever competitive fixture, but they disgraced themselves today. Why? Because they had the temerity to actually attack us. See, rather than read the script and capitulate at half time, they actually put some passes together and got behind our defence a couple of times. Not only was the sheer sight of them actually crossing the half way line an affront to all decent Womble sensibilities, but when they stooped to new levels of mockery and scored against us, they might as well have dropped their shorts at us and started singing RP Vile songs. I hope when we play them at their place, we give these disrespectful urchins the arsewhipping they deserve. I am disgusted by the fact they tried to make a game of it, and you should be too. Disgraceful.

Song sung blue: Wasn't a lot going on TBH, usual fayre. Coincidentally, how come all the riff-raff who come down from the WB to the hardcore Athletics End act like they're dead yet suddenly spring back to life when they all snuggle up under their tin roof again? Are they really as soft as shite?

Point to ponder: Is KC so put out with the comments from last season that he is now determined to score every goal with his head? He tried it again today and was quite close to scoring again. Wonder if we'll soon be seeing t-shirts with "I saw Kevin Cooper score with his foot" soon?

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) The apparent sighting of a "Rio Ferdinand is a twat" t-shirt, as worn by a member of the AFCW establishment. Totally incorrect to wear such a t-shirt of course : a real twat has a perfectly legitimate function in life, whereas you would be hard pushed to say the same about Rio Ferdinand. (2) Didn't the first half fly by? (3) And didn't the second half drag on? I wasn't too sure if the ref was playing Mr Fish style injury time or whether it really was a slow-moving game. (4) The Main Stand getting excited twice. Presumably a couple of people had got through to the Telegraph's free flight offer phone number and booked a weekend for two in Burgundy on Ryanair.

Anything else? Um, not really. Not unless you want to mention those Switzerland bastards again. Oh, and the hAL refreshment stand was so efficient this week.

So was it worth it? Suppose so.

In a nutshell: Could do better, could have done worse

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5 October 2003

Another weekend, yet another lamb to the slaughter. This time, it was Amber and Black 0 Black and Tan 5, officially an away game but because we're moneygrabbing bastards nice people, it was switched to der Volkstadion. If the truth was known, this was a David Pleat style game, namely getting out of first gear was impossible. Scarily enough, this could have ended in the mythical double figures if our shooting was anywhere near like what it should have been. That said, KC opened the scoring with his - gasp - head. He's now better using his bonce than his feet. This was the case until after HT, when we netted again with a KC penalty. Frodo (with lunatic celebration), Gibbo and the impressing Paul Scott completing the rout

BTW, what tournament was this? The Combined Counties Colonic Irrigation All Comers County Premiership Challenge Cup or something? Why don't they just award it to us now and done with it?

Moving forward....

Plus points: Yawn - win. Away. Clean sheet. Paul Scott. Etc etc etc.

Minus points: Shooting.

The referee's a...... : And once again, a semi-decent ref. Even gave decisions to us. Their linesman was a bit of a poser, nicely manicured, fine head of hair, nicely trimmed, lino clobber fitted perfectly like it was personally tailored. He was from the RAF's own FA (makes a change from them dropping bombs on people I suppose), so naturally enough he would have perfectly dressed. No idea if he waved his flag using a secret form of semaphore.

Them: Reportedly a bit understrength and showed it. Not known to have had a shot even remotely on target, which considering they were at home (er..) is pretty piss poor. Did they really go 2-0 up against us earlier this season? Oh, and their chairman was bigged up over the PA, but got less of a positive response when he announced there were no cheese rolls.

Fast Food Song: It took 60 minutes for the first recognisable chant to start up. And guess what? It was the old "Oh Milton Keynes is full of shit". TBH, the whole atmosphere reflected the game, rather dull in places. The buzz beforehand was non-existant

Point to ponder: If we're being dead honest with ourselves here, why do we bother entering these tournaments? Or if that sounds too William Huge Testicles, what good is it risking our first team squad?

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) Phillo playing guitar based music like A and Stone Roses again. Is he having a Road To Damascus conversion? If so, wonder how long it will be before he starts playing Sabbath's "Iron Man" and starts teasing us with snippets of Body Count? (2) Wasn't it cold? (3) The surreal announcement about the catering. You know, the one telling us there were no burgers but plenty of other stuff. The plug did sound like something you get on GNER or Virgin Trains, though we didn't get as far as being told there was a wide selection of beers, wines and spirits.

Anything else? Umm, possibly. Paul Scott is good but he does showboat a bit.

So, was it worth it? Guess so, it beats doing pointless things on Sunday, like watching telly, going to B&Q or going to church

In a nutshell: What next?

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2 October 2003

Firstly, let's get some things out of my system. Fuck. Wank. Bollocks. Cunt. Shit. Wanker. Cock. Dick. Cunt again. Fuck again. Koppel, Koppel and another fuck. Oh, and Wankelmann as well.

And since my enforced absence from this site, nothing much has changed I see. We're still getting results like Whipsnade 7 Chessington 0 and me thinking we still need to be awarded the trophy at Christmas simply to stop us getting bored, meaning attendances will drop and meaning less revenue all round. Meanwhile, in some pretty shitty conditions last night (welcome to autumn) we more or less bossed this from start to finish, and the fact that we were 4-0 after 35 minutes proves how one-sided this was. JS got a hat-trick, Everard excited us all with his first half opener and KC/whoever else scored sent yet another clear message to the rest of the CCL. So there.

Meanwhile...

Plus points: We won. Yet again. Clean sheet. Comprehensive performance. Good performance from Paul Scott. Defence looks better. Well taken goals. Keeping going despite being 6-0 up.

Minus points: Should have been 8

The referee's a........: Yet another worringly good performance. Gave virtually all the decisions in our favour, and a penalty to boot. Lino was however asked if he was on acid.

Them: Bad. Seriously. Somebody down the hardcore Athletics End even told their goalie to "Shut up Teflon", which causes many seconds of laughter. Coincidentally, I went to see AFCW play Chess U reserves on Tuesday and I'm convinced that even I can get into the CU reserve side.

Der Volkstadion: Did a little experiment yesterday. As it was getting slightly wet and I wasn't with my usual gang of horse thieves and reprobates, I went for a little wander around. I am conviced that the views in the John Smiths are not as good as those at even places like W2K. I know for a personal fact that the view from the West Bank is utter shite (unless you're either over 6 ft 3 or right down the front). Needless to say, I went back in the comfort of the hAE, where our reward for having no roof is being able to see the game.

Point to ponder: Am I the only one worried that when we lose a game we'll go on an 11 game run without winning?

Truth is stranger than fiction: Your humble and esteemed editor could well be in the next official matchday magazine. How? Well, I was accosted at HT and asked who my favourite player was. I even had my mugshot taken, so the vast majority of you can finally get to see what I look like (trust me, it ain't pretty). Sadly, I suffered a memory blankout that wouldn't look out of place at the Hutton enquiry, but I got there eventually. I think.

Hello mum: Which well-known Womble asked me to get mentioned on this site as he has never been mentioned before? Won't ask you what he wanted quoted, but his lady friend was pissing herself. And who got relegated (or would that be promoted?) to serving slightly stewed tea and various unappetising cheese rolls.....?

Anything else? Yeah, that weather sucked.

So, was it worth it? Yes, I would say so.

In a nutshell: Glug.