27 December 2004

[no images available due to technical reasons, ie I forgot my camera]

So, Xmas is over. You've stuffed your bird, you've survived the television and the sales and now you're wanting some outdoor action. And what could have been better than Chicks 0 Dudes 2? Well, something a bit warmer, with some better football and less mud for starters. Oh well. The game really isn't much to write about, as it seemed quite scrappy. That's "scrappy", with an "s".

The first goal was a bit of a scrambled effort, with Leon McD giving us some proverbial seasonal cheer. And the second goal was scored by... shit, I didn't write it down. Oh well, it was a cross in, the goalkeeper didn't hold onto it and it was headed in. Cue much cheering.

And that really is as much as I can be arsed to write on it. I've got Barnet v Scarboro to do tomorrow, and I suppose I'll need to make a better effort.....

Moving forward.

Plus points: Won. Away. Clean sheet. Leon McD scoring again.

Minus points: It was crap

The referee's a......: There's more chance of an Ukranian presidential election going off smoother than this used condom of an individual's handling. Did somebody annoy him over Xmas? I presume he got a jumper, an orange and an apple last Saturday, how else could I explain his sulky mood? Either that or Santa didn't come down his chimney stack and was subsequently demanding a bit of attention.

Them: Nice looking place, Dorking. Nestling inbetween Box Hill and overseen by a nice church avec steeple, it's a typical market town without the market. Well positioned car park as well. Pitch represented a World War 1 battlefield though, there was apparently a pitch inspection beforehand. Presumably to test for the likelyhood of contacting gangrene. They looked like Celtic and played a little bit like Queen of the South. Their #10 was happy to mouth off to the crowd from the safety of 30 yards away...

Point to ponder: How nervous do you think Danny N was? His kicking wasn't too grand, and he must have been praying that the quagmire didn't do funny things to the ball when it got near him. As it did when he went to pick the ball up and it bounced right up at him

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) Being stuck in that carpark by the ground for a sodding half-hour, which was only marginally less exciting than the game. At least I didn't have to pay parking charges. (2) Seeing beer being taken and drunk at pitchside. Have to be honest and admit that Coney Hall sprung to mind, but the difference is that our lot can handle our beer better than any chav could.

Anything else? Yeah. Did you know that the Dorking people were working at the ground on Xmas Day? Bet the crowd of 2500 or so melted their hearts, if not their pitch.

So, was it worth it? Debatable.

In a nutshell: Pass the Stones ginger wine.

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18 December 2004

[Sorry, no image. Took two photos, both of them utter shite]

By the time you read this, you would probably have come back from the Xmas party. Most of you will be in some sort of inebriated state, some of you would have had sex at the party. A couple of you may have even had sex with the person you intended to copulate with. Which considering the sort of game Lazy 2 Athletic 2 was, may not be such a bad way to be in.

The game started off all right, in fact it started off more than all right. On seven minutes, thanks to Richard Butler, we went 1-0 up. A nice easy game. So much so that the SW19 reader next to me who supports a crap team in Glesga openly stated that this game would be a rout and we'd win 5-0. For some reason he buggered off after he said that. Presumably he knew what was coming as on 26 minutes, they scored. Rather quite embarrasing as it goes, as there seemed to be what the OS called "an innocuous long ball [that] was just ignored by Antony Howard ... as confusion reigned among the static defence". Or what SW19 would call a complete fuck up. From what it appeared, the increasingly much maligned Danny Naisbitt called for the ball, nobody went for it and their guy snuck in. Git.

I suppose we expected it to be a kick up the arse, but instead it turned into a kick in the danglies. Their second goal, about 12 minutes after their first one, was a good enough strike but if you'd left a child as alone as our defence did their player, Social Services would be onto you quicker than you could say "CSA".

Half time came and went, thankfully, but instead of picking up the tempo we, er, didn't. Somebody ought to tell our players that you play like you're hungover AFTER Xmas day, not before. After a load of misplaced passes and aimless hoofs, on came our new hero, Leon McDowall. He ran, he livened a dead crowd up - sort of - and should have scored but managed to head the ball over from 3 yards out. Cue much cursing and gnashing of teeth.

And then, it came. McDowell, an ex-CA player no less, got the ball after a lucky breaking bounce knockdown and lobbed it to make it 2-2. Cue less cursing and gnashing of teeth, and indeed a few hoorahs and claps. From then on in, it was always likely to be a draw, even if CA attacked too much at the end for my liking.

Got all that? Don't worry, I won't be asking questions later.

Meanwhile...

Plus points: We didn't lose. Got going a bit towards the end. Ryan "Giggsy" Gray getting stuck in despite not looking that fit. Leon McDowall.

Minus points: Danny N's confidence dropping sharply. Their first goal. Their second goal. Our defence being taken apart a bit too much

The referee's a......: This week, we found out that linesmen and referees can't really tell offside thanks to their brain not processing the right information to determine an offside position. Today, we found out that the linesman and referee can't really tell the rules of the game thanks to their brain not processing anything other than horse shit.

Them: I didn't think they were that special TBH, but they had a gameplan and stuck mostly to it. Their #7 seemed to want a fight in the first 15 minutes. Their #4 did a brutal rape, murder and burning of the body tackle on Gibbo towards the end, and got a yellow for it. And their goalie had the biggest shorts going and apparently "ran like a nonce". Still, he did clap us off at the end, which was a show of mutual appreciation and respect. Either that or he wanted to bum us in the showers afterwards.

Point to ponder: Last week, the second half got going because of DA's wallstripper method at half time. I presume today was the same. This time, we didn't seem to make 4 passes together. I wonder if (a) the smashed teacup method works much beyond an occasional appearance, and (b) we seem incapable of actually passing the ball on the ground. It is effective, even at this level. Perhaps we might try that approach for more than 5 minutes one day?

Trust me: Couple of thoughts on the DT election. Can't say I'm remotely surprised at the 17% turnout. It was a very moribund campaign, a lot of the manifestoes read like applying for a position with Deloitte and Touche rather than the Dons Trust. And unless you're the sort of person who joins political parties or uses constitutions as porn, there's no real reason to get involved. There may be some dampened enthusiasm stemming from the Anne Eames fiasco, but for the most part the AFCW fanbase is content. The days of getting 1000+ in Wimbledon Theatre are now long gone, they belong in another era.

I'm of the opinion that mass fan participation is a modern day myth. Activism only happens when the shit hits the fan. Witness us with MK, Wrexham at the moment, various protests in the 1980s etc. It seems easily forgotten that football watching is basically a pastime - after all, did you support Wimbledon because you wanted to do sit-ins? Remember, as a fanbase we've fought mergers, groundsharing, relocation etc since about 1986. And 18 years is a long time without a long cessation. Rather than worry about such a low turnout, the people at AFCW/DT should be happy that people aren't mobilising...

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) Finding out that the four comedians at the Xmas party were not Danny N, the CA goalie, the ref and his guide dog. (2) Your humble/esteemed editor helping out a calendar seller by acting as a display unit. Well, I was killing time and wanted to finish my cup of tea... (3) The hAE reached capacity in the second half. Bet they only announced it to show off :) (4) Being accosted by a rather drunk Santa (ie one of the W&WW sponsoring pissheads) who offered me something nice and festive from his big bulging sack. (5) The Main Stand (non W&WW sponsoring pissheads section) actually making some noise. Obviously the Stones ginger wine and liquers they had at half time.

Anything else? Yup. As seen at the game today, this year's panto at Wimbledon Theatre is Aladdin, with special guest Spiderman. Obviously, the webbed crime fighter is a much loved and vital aspect of the traditional Aladdin storyline. What role does Spidey play anyway? Does he fight to the death with the Genie using his special web powers? Does the end come when he climbs up the wall and gets hit by a passing camel? Whatever, this must be the strangest bit of casting since somebody told Simon Tracey he could play in goal.

Incidentally, the best version of Aladdin was Paul Merton's stage show, which featured the immortal song, "This is the story of Aladdin, it's got some good and got some bad in. He's an orphan, how bout that? So if you're round his flat, don't expect to see his mum or his dad in..."

Oh, and changing tack - hello to the guy who introduced himself to me when I was walking back to the SW19mobile. I have to admit I didn't know who you were, but you know what it's like when strangers come up to you around the Cambridge Road estate and know your surname :)

So, was it worth it? That or Xmas shopping? Hmm...

In a nutshell: Ho fucking ho.

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15 December 2004

Cup competitions are strange beings. For every Thurrock we get a Brimsdown. For every Hendon we get an Ilford. And for every Banstead we get Last Year's CCL Champions 4 Last Year's CCL Also-rans 1. It was a test for how much we've come since the heady days of last season, and when a semi-second string team whips their arse, I think it says it all.

We opened the scoring after 8 minutes thanks to some damn good passing, letting Prigent slot home. I can't help noticing that we're passing a lot more these days - we did it against Ashford and last night as well. QED. Steve "Gibbo" Gibson doubled the lead, with a damn fine strike. Surely the floodgates would be opened?

Er, no. True to form, CU did their equivalent of shitting in a cistern by pulling a goal back. OK, they celebrated like they'd all scored a quick 30 minutes with Abi Titmus and her video camera, but somehow they just weren't going to score again.

And so it proved. We had to wait until the last 10 minutes before we put the game out of reach, Leon McDowall with a Matt E style header from a corner, minus the abject fear on the defender's face when he comes charging in. The game was put beyond reach on 90 minutes thanks to Martin Randall. Everyone was happy, except the guy who predicted 3-1 on a prediction league.

As for the rest of it...

Plus points: Good showing. Some nice passing.

Minus points: Them scoring

The referee's a.....: Bit on the pedantic, picky side. Not the sort of guy you would watch a porno with, he'd be pointing out the holes in the plotline. Imagine it : "Wait, she didn't come in with that guy..."

Them: Tried their hardest, in a lowly, cannon fodder kind of way. Kit looked like Ajax Amsterdam, played like Ajax the floor cleaner. Their #8 was a mouthy wanker, deliberately handled the ball then tried to deflect the barrage of hate from the hAE by asking "what's the score?" when we were winning. He did shut us up, but that was down to the sheer stupidity of his statement.

Three's a crowd: Actually, a turnout of 800 odd wasn't bad, considering it was near Xmas and it's a tournament nobody really gives a shit about at this stage. However, I'm sure there's a spot of potential here for AFCW for these sort of games. Would there be any harm in offering some sort of incentive for those who turn up, for example a money off voucher from the club shop simply for making the effort? These sort of things always seem to go down well - witness the little goody bag at Ashford - and it would make a nice change from the occasional reminder about the Ground Debt...

Point to ponder: After last season's shenanighans, wasn't it a shame it wasn't Chessington and Right Hook that we were playing with last night?

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) The WB toilets being out of action at the same time as your humbled/esteemed editor decided to go down the WB end after a couple of pints of Guinness. Even the goons on "I'm A Celeb.." never had to put up with this. (2) Being told off for swearing by a couple of chavs. Truly, the depths have been irreversably plunged....

Anything else? Yeah. Phillo is clearly heading towards a career with Magic FM. The last time I heard Andy Williams at a football ground, the tannoy guy was collecting his free TV licence.

So, was it worth it? A pleasant enough evening.

In a nutshell: Bring on Palace. Assuming Ks withdraw...

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12 December 2004

If there was ever the proverbial game of two halves, then Eurotunnel 1 Morden LT Depot 4 would surely be on there. I don't want to talk about the first half. I think Carling Opta's stats would have had it all down as 0 shots on target, 0 shots off target, god knows how many offsides and quite a few fouls comitted against. Oh, and one goal to Ashford. Thanks to the wonders of Pipex broadband and Dons Online, I now don't need to say I missed the goal. However, looks like our defence did.....

It was with a heavy heart, and with even heavier bowels, that the half time came and went. Just as well, the whole place felt dead. Somehow, things changed. Where there was dark, there was now light. Where there was fear, there was now hope. Where there was a rather iffy curry, there was now a bog and endless toilet paper. Where there was..... OK, enough of that. I've no idea what structural damage was caused in the away dressing room at half time, but I presume the crowd of 1057 covered the reconstruction costs.

We learnt how to pass the ball, and passed it so effectively that Prigent slotted home to make it 1-1. A lesson to be learnt, perhaps? Ashford's luck seemed to run out, and we went up that gear needed. Thanks to a flick-on by Jay Conroy, Richard Butler put us in the lead. And it felt CCL like again. OK, I wonder about Danny Naisbitt, I just can't help thinking that he's suffering a tad of the Jim Leighton syndrome. But when Randall scored from the spot, it didn't seem to matter. Meanwhile, dead on full time, Prigent scored directly on the edge of the area from a free kick, though I swear Ashford's 12 did a sneaky little punch...

Meanwhile.

Plus points: The second half

Minus points: The first half

The referee's a......: He was from Gravesend. No further comment necessary.

Them: OK, forget Bashley, Ashford is the most out-of-town place going. At least Bashley had a village hall next to it. If they ever become good again - I believe they used to get crowds of 2.5k - they'll have plenty of room to expand. Nice bar, selling (gasp) Murphys. Shame I was driving. Their kit was a luscious (?) lime green number. As for their tackling, it was, well, urm, tough. Mouthy guy in the main stand annoying everyone, funny how he shut up after we went 2-1 up...

Garden of England: This site has often been accused in the past of being antagonistic towards the Kent region of the United Kingdom, in particular to the rampant inbreeding of its inhabitants. I feel I ought to apologise to any Kent Womble for my baiting of those who bring a new meaning to the term "close family ties". But instead, I will point you to Ashford's "Is This You?" feature on page 25 of their programme yesterday. In particular, the following actual words printed, italics are mine: "If you see your picture on this page take it to a club official to claim your prize (first claimant only wins)"....

Point to ponder: Mentioned it earlier, will mention it again. If we decided to pass the ball more often, will we get on better?

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) That nice little green goody bag some of us were given afterwards. Thankos muchos, I need some dishwasher tablets. (2) So, what do Wombles talk about when we go 3-1 up away from home? Scoring more goals? Defending? Tactics? Nope, pro wrestling. And no, I won't mention "Bang Babes" on channel 427 of Sky.

Anything else? Not really, apart from the mist at the end, the M26's lack of lighting, the comatose guy in the next road to me and the brain dead Chelski family at Tesco Sutton petrol station...

So, was it worth it? If you turned up at half time, certainly was.

In a nutshell: Two in a row....

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6 December 2004

No, this isn't the Cray report. It was a bit tricky writing one as I wasn't actually there (insert joke here). At least the millstone has been removed, and put away into cold storage. What we don't need is for an Arsenil-style blip tomorrow against Molesey (and no, I'm not there tomorrow evening either, I'm NLPing at Crawley v Barnet. All offers for match write up accepted)

Actually, the collective AFCW fanbase has been amazingly restrained after losing a game. There's been relatively little bloodletting. Nobody's tried to commit suicide yet (though whether the AFCW shop merchandise outlet is willing to stock pen knives is open to debate), in fact most people have been serene and quite philosophical about it. In itself, that's a first for our fanbase (that's a joke BTW. I think), but let's see what happens if we lose a couple more games. Don't put away the tin helmets just yet

Elsewhere in the club, the ladies have been doing well for themselves. They've drawn in the third round...... Arsenal. Away. Who last time whipped the girlies' arses quite a bit. After reading some discussions about the future of the women's team, it's ironic that the ladies is the part of AFCW that is getting the club's name into the wider sphere. Name me another way that AFC Wimbledon gets onto the Sky Sports News ticker thingy at this moment. With the rate things are going for the ladies, it might end up being more cost effective to get rid of the mens' team...............

And yes, SW19 sponsors a kit of one of the ladies team. I will put it up on the front page, honest.

Finally, and for those a little bit perplexed about the new front page, check this out from the OS. Done that? It's under "Your Views on the Champagne Song". Anyway, the rub of this seems to be that some people find the CS song offensive, and basically don't want it sung, ever. So, a few thoughts. Firstly, the practicalities : if 500 people are suggesting that opposition fans are in sub-standard employment, there is no way that 500 people will get slung out. Of course, there may be a "don't sing that please" over the PA, but we all know what will happen then, don't we?

Secondly, I really do wonder about the mentality of people who complain about this sort of thing. It's a football ground, for fucks sake. Not my local church, not the Women's Institute. My feeling is that those complaining are the po-faced uptight liberal sort who read the Independent and listen to Travis. I suppose the argument for not singing is about the kids present. OK, most people tend to tone their language down anyway around wee nippers, but you really can move them away into a quieter area. That's what the kids section is for, right? And besides, don't think your cherished sprog doesn't know half the swearwords in existance. Go to a playground, or Morden high street, and tell me that the CS is anything worse than you hear in real life.

Thirdly, and most importantly, the CS isn't exactly the most offensive song sung at a game. Christ, it's not the most offensive song sung by AFCW fans. I'm personally much more offended by the occasional "No Surrender" chant, and not much is made of that. Try wearing a Celtic/RoI shirt at a game, and expect some UVF-wannabe to gob off at you.

Put it into context : if we did Madrid-style monkey chants every time a black player touched the ball, you have every right to complain. Or sung about Munich 58, or Hillsborough. But a song with more humour in it than half the songs put together? Heard Man Utd's "Feed the Scousers" song recently? Bit of black humour, sure, but that's what football is. My polite suggestion to those offended by the CS is to try and watch something outside of the AFCW bubble. You might learn something you probably didn't want to learn. I would give you my impolite suggestion, but I don't think it will fit.

I think more concern should be put into why people don't sing in general at AFCW, at times we're quieter than Franchise fans. But with instances like this, it'll only make things worse, not better. Let's hope common sense prevails. Meanwhile, I'm off to see if Molesey's #7 missus will let me use her whip this week...