NEWS
30 December 2006
Ah, that's more like it. In the biblical rainstorm that was KM (see photo above, copyright DSF), Wimbledon 3 Chelski 1 was the kind of performance that we should really be expecting week in/out.
Was it the perfect performance? No. Will we play far better teams than W&H? Yes. Will I complain about how crap the first ten minutes were? Yes.
But on the flip side, there's no way I'm not going to enjoy a decent enough win. Let's not try and be uber-cool fans and pretend to ourselves that being happy after a victory is somehow wrong (as I'm starting to sense one or two people trying to be). The only thing that attitude does is make it harder to walk down the street : after all, it's impossible to walk with your head that far up your own arse.
Speaking of sticking objects up your chutney tunnel, the first ten minutes were absolute horse cock. In that period, we managed to go 0-1 down, two of our players fell over each other while running towards their goal, and to cap it all off we even failed to take a throw in properly. Fair to say that there was more chance of Saddam Hussein needing a 2007 calendar than of us winning.
There was one reason why we got back into it though. Me. Yes, me. You see, I was responsible for us striking back ten minutes later, and our fortune was my doing. Gentlemen, you may buy me a pint of Murphys/tea next time you see me, together with a handshake of deference. Ladies, feel free to moisten your lips and invest in a set of kneepads. For it was me who said 20 seconds before SF's first goal, "Tell you what, if we lose this I'm not going to read any guestbooks for the next week".....
Well, all right, I wasn't responsible. Cue ladies* cancelling their kneepad orders. But after SF's first, it really was a case of us waking up and smelling the stewed coffee. Once we'd route one-d for SF's second, that really was that. The third goal was nice as well.
* - and yes, I know calling our female support "ladies" is stretching it a bit. Hey, it's still Xmas, and I'm feeling almost charitable.
It was the kind of performance you would expect us to do against shite that is second-bottom. Despite the conditions (or maybe because of) we used the floor a lot, and quite simply we cut through their defence so much it was a minor miracle how we only got three.
Of course, we won't get promotion on this result alone, but it's a real start. Around(ish) this time last season, we played against Windsor and Eton in one of the worst matches I can ever remember seeing. It was so bad that the club could have been sued under the Trades Descriptions Act (it sure as hell wasn't football). Today could have been similar but thankfully it wasn't. By the end of the next home game we'll know where we stand this season, and more importantly where we're heading. But for now, grab an alcoholic beverage and allow just a little wry smile to yourself.
Though whether you'll smile at all when reading the following is anyone's guess....
Plus points: We won. Pretty solid after 10 minutes. Scott Fitzgerald. Coping with the conditions well. Possible banana skin expertly disposed of.
Minus points: First 10 minutes. Going 1-0 down. Defence still shits me up.
The referee's a......: Nobody has mentioned him at all, and I can't really even call him a tosser.
Them: Their cup final and they lost it. In fact, after we scored they looked like the lowly team their league position suggests, which does at least make up for all those other times that they went 300% above their usual standard. Even better, their supporters must have had a gloriously shit day : their main team drew 2-2 with Fulham and are now 6 points behind Big United, and they got wet as well. Cue posts about how loyal they are and how we're really AFC Norbiton. Enjoy Ryman One, spunkstain features. Oh, and their #8 rolled around like he'd been injured, yet in doing so banged his knee and was properly crocked. No further comment necessary.
Point to ponder: Struggling a bit with this one, so I'll simply ask this : when was the last time we played well in front of a crowd of over 2500? 2808 was surprisingly big, and was the largest turnout all season, but we still have yet to break the psychological barrier of 3000. And last time we did that was in April....
Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) The sky seemed to change colour about 12 times during the game. (2) Come to think of it, wasn't that typical footballing weather in December? Minus the Xmas rendition of Noah's Ark, obviously. (3) "Wombling Merry Xmas" played over the PA at the end of the game. Don't tell me Lizzie B is letting us use other bits of Wombles ® merchandise apart from the furry nosed thingy.
Anything else? Yeah. I caught the sight of some well spoken gentleman (obviously a Main Stander) giving the coppers some grief after the game, waving his brolly about etc and complaining about "how rude" one copper was. Really don't know what that was about, presumably the copper told him to put down his Daily Telegraph during the game. Anyone in the know care to expand?
So, was it worth it? Yes, if only to see nature in full force. Honestly, people talk about global warming as though it's a bad thing.
In a nutshell: Now for Bromley...
26 December 2006
Well, there was going to be normal service resumed after Massive 1 Borat 1. But I left my notebook at home, and if truth be told my brain simply doesn't want to function right now.
In a nutshell, it was shades of last season. I'm still unconvinced about our defence, and we seem to go in patches as per usual. OK, we came back well, but it was two points dropped. And possibly lucky to get just one on occasions. This ain't going to get us in the Conference South. And once again, we showed ourselves extremely incapable of getting two piddly wins in a row.
The main talking point was the ref's performance, or lack of it. Basically, he sent Wes Daly off for a second yellow for diving. Except that he didn't. In fact, I believe the expression for why Daly went on the floor is commonly described as a "foul". Actually, the ref and his assistants really lost it, leading to the quote of the day from an occasional matchgoer : "The referee clearly suffered from jaundice". Something to do with the colour yellow.....
Of course, there was some good skill and ball control shown at times. Sadly, it was the performing dog at half time. Useful looking mutt as well, though one wonders if touching the ball with its front paws counts as handball.
Other than that, it was a bit of a strange day. So strange was it that two Ashford Town fans turned up and for most of the first half they were the only ones making some noise. Far quieter in the second half when we surrounded them, needless to say.....
Anyway, that's really enough to be said. Boxing Day games are weird affairs, and this one was no different. The game against Chelski (Walton branch) is now crunch time. I'm not too sure if even a draw is good enough now.
Now, what's on telly......?
24 December 2006
Erk, erk and erk again. I knew this wasn't going to be a hassle free Xmas - I've just remembered I hadn't written up Swifts 0 Crows 1, and I've misplaced my notes. Well, I haven't, but I can't be arsed to do a "proper" one. So this might be a different and far shorter one than usual. Sorry.
(not that anyone will be reading this right now, and chances are most people will only read this as an afterthough post-Staines...)
Anyway, some random musings:
- This is the first time we've won in Essex since the old king was alive. It was as though we'd somehow managed to carry on the Aldershot mettle into the first half certainly. Second half was a bit of a midfield war of attrition (ie crap) though.
- Lewis Cook's free kick really did feel like it went in slow motion.
- Their goalkeeper looked like Jens Lehmann. Our goal was quite similar to the ones the Arsenal keeper lets in...
- Swifts were right dirty cunts at times, certainly the foul on AL wasn't what I would call festive cheer. And I'm sure that one of their lot struck out at Gell right before he was sent off.
- Come to think of it, how kewl was it that Gell went and joined us after his dismissal?
- Other than that, Swifts were nice enough hosts. Free mince pies courtesy of the club, and gleefully reminding us that their turnstiles were the old Plough Lane ones. Wonder if we could buy them back off them? I understand at least one Womble tried to pay £2 to get in and claimed "that's how much I paid the last time I went through these turnstiles".
- One for the conspiracy theorists and the unhinged: we took a coach which was called "Anderson Coaches". And it was in green and white.
- Speaking of DA, he really didn't look happy about something yesterday - basically he seemed to have a permanent scowl on his face. Even when we went off victorious he wasn't all smiles. Wonder why? Incidentally, he was seen walking onto the pitch and off it a couple of minutes before the two teams came out for the first half....
- Highlight of the first half was the two Swifts fans in with our lot in the first half. We're talking about a village missing both its idiots here. He really didn't grasp that we were taking the piss out of him, and the battle of minds between us and the two of them was painfully one-sided. Just imagine an elephant fucking a rat and you've got the idea of the mismatch. Best of all was the "Gervais, but without the pubes" chant (one of them looked like Ricky Gervais pre-puberty), to which said fuckwit replied : "What do they mean?". Wonder if he ever found his way out of the ground unaided?
- And finally.... the Swift Chicks. Yes, the hot gyrating ensemble of Heybridge's finest females, welcoming us all with open legs... er, arms. Check out two of these beauties here. Well, as you can maybe tell, there's a slight tone of sarcasm there (although to be fair only one of them would likely turn you gay). Seriously, I walked in and was greeted by the site of four of them on the pitch, who looked like they'd been dragged away from a secluded fire escape outside an Essex nightclub. Nice to see that we have WAGs even at this level. Mind you, you should have seen the rejects....
- Fuck it, one more
thing : the Swift Chicks are prepared to perform at away games apparently.
No doubt Tintin Haydon will somehow arrange an "adaptation"
of their routine, though some extra material might be needed for the costume
if that was to happen.
That OK for you all? Merry fucking Xmas, and normal service might be resumed for Staines on Boxing Day.
17 December 2006
Pinch me. Seriously, pinch me. Did I really witness British Army 1 Insurgents 2? Did I really see our team finally click into place in the second half, with passing skill, flair and movement that would even have a Spurz fan purring?
The answer of course, is yes. Make no mistake about any of this, yesterday was THE best performance of the AFCW era. No hyperbole or exaggeration needed. To almost literally piss on a Conference side in the second half, to look like the side higher up is something worth celebrating. And in a "proper" competition as well.
I'll be honest. I've written in the past on occasions about how I haven't had a certain feeling for some while about a game. Well, scrub all that : yesterday I really had the feeling I used to have whenever we won away at places like QPR. The camaraderie of the fans/players, the feeling of achievement, the way we played when we finally got going, hell even listening to Terry Christian on the way back home. It's moments like this that makes being a football fan worthwhile.
It started off with apprehension though, especially considering the way we've played recently. Would we lose 5-0? Would we scrape through a brave 2-1 defeat a la Exeter? Could we even think the unthinkable and maybe, just maybe, scrape a replay?
We weren't too bad in the first half hour, though you really can see the gap between a mid-table Conf side and a mid-table RP one. Especially an RP side with a bit of confidence missing.
Towards the end of the first half though, it all seemed to be turning a bit to shit. We kept giving the ball away a lot, so much so I was convinced the players had put money on them losing 5-0. I did think that if we could hold out until half time, we could regroup and maybe get going in the second half. Needless to say, our defence thought HT had come, went in for a cuppa, and they scored.
I would now like to say that I just knew we were going to come back strong in the second half. The truth was, I didn't. Well, actually I was more concerned with having a piss than anything else.
Mind you, I hope the players' urine isn't sampled because we came out and it was different. Well, almost. We looked more composed but Aldershot clearly wanted to wrap the game up and piss off home early. Five minutes of that, we pressed forward. We got a couple of corners in quick succession and the rest is Womble history...
If it takes three minutes for a nuclear bomb to destroy Aldershot army barracks, it took a couple more minutes for us to blitz Aldershot Town. When Chris Gell rose from the dead (literally) to blast home, I thought I was in shock (though I was convinced for a split second that it hit the bar and bounced out). When SF scrambled home for the second, I knew I was in shock. Everyone else was going fucking mental though, although in these situations you do have to be slightly careful lest the other side kick into life.
Strangely, they didn't. Well, they sort of kicked into life, but tellingly so did we. If anything, we got better. Our control was good, and most importantly of all I can't remember any fuckups. OK, they had a few opportunities to score, and AL justified the unofficial MoM award with some pretty good stops. This wasn't us being shit, it was them being two divisions above us. And I won't criticise the defence for that.
After four minutes of injury time (a figure that was "disputed", shall we say), the final whistle blew. We all politely applauded, the players shook hands with each other and left the field in a calm and collected manner, reflecting on a jagged first half performance and how to improve on it for Heybridge. Probably.
Oh, all right, it still hasn't quite sunk in yet. In the strange world of non-league football, we've played a zillion games in the FAT and are only in the second round. Please let it be national, and please let it be a real good long Northern away one. I want to go to a hovel that isn't in Kent.
While you await the draw, and while you await DonsOnline to download, sit back and enjoy the following..
Plus points: Everything in the second half. Andy Little. Jermaine Darlington. Everyone else, come to think of it. Ability to keep the ball and draw the sting out of the game
Minus points: Periods of the first half were shite.Their goal.
The referee's a.....: He gave what he saw, was a comment from yesterday. No mention that his guide dog was vehemently shaking its head in embarrassed disapproval half the time.
Them: OK, I admit it. I was disappointed in them both on and off the pitch. On the field, I thought they would have come back at us and put us lowly upstarts in our rightful step seven place. Not that I'm particuarly complaining though. Their fans on the other hand were pretty quiet. Seriously, of all the teams I would have expected a vocal battering from, it was them. I think I heard an MK song from them, but I can't be sure on that. Hope not, that would be a bit out of character for them. That said, I got the impression they weren't really up for it - be interesting to see an important league game against them.
Point to ponder: OK, we will continue to wonder just why we can't do this in the league. But here's a thought : how about just enjoying the win this week and not think about Heybridge? Who knows, maybe a more relaxed and less over-analytical approach might even help us long term....
Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) Walking through a park to get into the ground, to get through the turnstiles and being met by a row of portabogs. CCL or what? (2) Speaking of Aldershot, I went in the toilets where one of the two cubicles was out of action because of vandalism. No, not the ones in the ground but the ones in the newish shopping centre. Just what does army training consist of these days? (3) Quote of the day: "There's no way DA will be able to motivate them at half time" - more than one Womble at 3.46pm yesterday.
Anything else? I'm not too sure if I can add much more to that. Bet we draw a crappy team at home and lose now.
So, was it worth it? Those replying in the negative must paint their front doors red and have "twat" tattooed on their foreheads for ever more.
In a nutshell: What a difference a week makes.
9 December 2006
How do I write about New Lodge 3 Travelodge 0 without lapsing into tourets syndrome? How do I write about the display without dips into over-reaction? How do I being to describe that without overwhelming everyone with the waves of doom?
The truth is, I can't. That was shit. No, correction. That was fucking shit. That was wank, toilet, toss and a great lump of horse plop. We would have struggled to beat a CCL side. In fact, we would have lost to a Franchise supporters outfit consisting of the Bag Lady, Philphy Taylor and a couple from the Frenzy messageboard. By themselves.
We can forget promotion this season - we can certainly forget being the automatic promotion candidates. This was without doubt the worst performance this season, in fact the worst since H&R last season. And tinpot trophies aside, I'm strugging to find many worse in the whole AFCW history.
The plans that AFCW made last season, budgeting for promotion, should be torn up immediately. We should instead be rebudgeting for Ryman One football again next season, because that's where we're heading. Dreams of playing Exeter and Aldershot regularly will remain just that - a dream. We can kiss goodbye to the sponsorship we're building up. We'll certainly be dragged for many years to come by the Barclays loan, and it might be cheaper next year for the club to ask its few remaining ST holders why they even bother coming at all........
OK, I'm slightly over-reacting. I told you I would be, I really hate losing. Especially like that. Right now, I wonder where we go from here. Is this as good as it's going to be this season? By that, I mean two good performances, maybe one great one then a pile of shit.
The fact is, if we are a legitimate promotion playing side, we had to win that game. We had just started to build up a tinsy-winsy bit of steam again (well, three matches, none of which we won in 90 minutes anyway) and then we disappear quicker than Ashley Cole in a room full of Arsenal fans. The fact we lost and lost badly says it all.
Bottom line, if we went on a 7 game winning streak, playing decent stuff, then put in a performance like today, then fine. That's football and it happens to the best of them. But this is inexcusable. Today, we had a two minute spell after they scored where we hit the post (though I bet DonsOnline will show we should have scored). And that was it. The rest was basically us being torn apart, little confidence, and distribution on a par with The Football Paper's first relaunch issue. If you want an incident to sum it up, it's this : Wes Daly was in the middle of their half, three defenders standing about 12 yards away and had all the time/space in the world to pass it. And where did he pass to? You guessed it.
One defeat in itself isn't usually a sign to kill ourselves, even if some of our fanbase think otherwise. Even as I type this, we are only two wins away from the playoffs. But can you really see us getting two wins? And if so, can you see us getting the third win so we don't slip back and have to do it all over again? Our consistency is shot, and if today is any indicator, so is our confidence.
So, what to do? Sack DA? The increasingly obvious choice perhaps. It might be costly to pay up his contract, but if it's the right answer to get rid of him, it would be a case of affording not to. After today, he's certainly in the most precarious position of his stewardship : it won't be this particular result that will doom him, it's the inability of his side to get the run going that will get us playoffs at least.
Certainly, another performance like that against Heybridge will virtually condemn him, and a third slump against Staines will be the final straw. Needless to say, it won't happen like that, and knowing us we'll win the next two on the trot.
Whatever the outcome is, I expect it to happen after the DT elections are over. It will be the biggest risk AFCW has had to take though, and I hope we find the right answer and take action on it. What that right answer is I don't know, but as the Stranglers once put it, something better change.
I suppose I ought to write just a little bit on the game. Only a little bit though, it was shit (as you've probably gathered) and it was getting too cold and depressing to write. So....
Plus points: Your editor getting 15% off an all-day brekkie at Clackett Lane service station by flashing his RAC card. And they forgot to charge for the extra sausage I sneaked through. Roadchef, I salute you. Perhaps it was compensation for the crap of today...?
Minus points: There isn't enough bandwidth nor time in the world to even start on this section.
The referee's a........: He may have been Captain Cluelesscunt of Cluelesscunt Land, and he might have missed a little "challenge" on AL for their first goal. But when you can't bring yourself to blame him, things really are bad.
Them: Doing to us what we should be doing to this division. Keeper was a miserable shit though, and his kicking was crap.
Song sung blue: "Really hate this ground. I really hate this ground. I know I do, I'm sure I do, I really hate this ground". Most memorable song of today. Other than that, according to those on the side, we were deathly quiet. Special mention to the Rickay fans who did a rather sarcastic round of applause every time AL did something like catch the ball or take a goal kick. Thing was, I'm sure our fans were about to join in.
Point to ponder: Is there an air of resignation about the place? I certainly noticed it today when we were 3-0 down. It wasn't a "fucking hell we're shit" rantathon, nor was it a crowd gripped by shock. It was a sort of expectancy. The thing was, I wasn't really surprised at today. I'd had a rather "odd" feeling about this game and as much as I hoped it was a good oddness, this was nearer what I deep down expected. I'm not sure if that's a good thing.
Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) We have never won in Essex since August 2005, at Maldon Town. And even that was a close one. Why don't we apply for the Southern league? The standard may be higher, and it's longer travelling, but at least I won't need to go through the Dartford Tunnel any more. (2) Captain Cluelesscunt blowing up two minutes early for the end of the first half, thankfully. Sadly he decided to start the second half. (3) PA playing decent U2 songs. In other words, the stuff before they went all commercial (post-Live Aid) and Bono started ramming his head up his own arse.
Anything else? Yeah. Quote of the day was "we're lucky to get nil". Not so much of a big statement, except that it was made with 17 minutes gone of the first half.
So, was it worth it? Fuck off.
In a nutshell: So, how many will Aldershot put past us? Nine? Ten?
3 December 2006
After reading plenty of post-Mark 0 Lard 0 comments, you could be forgiven for thinking that this was the best performance of the season. That we were fluent, crisp, battling and only drew because of some heroics from their goalkeeper. Indeed, one could gather that this was one of the best 0-0 draws in the history of football
You'd now be expecting SW19 to disagree here. And you'll be right. For all the talk and upbeatness over the game, this was two points dropped. It's all very well to play decently, but we're at home and we need to pick up three points rather than one. If we're not going to play in this division next season we need to do better than this I'm afraid. Yes, all the good stuff against Eastleigh was on show, but it's worth jack shit if we just get one point. So, all you happy-clappy Kool Aid drinking apologists, stop pretending how wonderful this was. This was a worse result than Ashford a couple of weeks ago. And until we get that into our thick.....
(hold up, where's my happy pills gone? Shit, I used them all up for the Eastleigh report on Wednesday. Need to pop out to get a new load. Give me five minutes....)
Ah, that's better.
Actually, if truth be told, I walked away from der Volkstadion yesterday with mixed emotions - in fact, probably the most mixed I've had for some time. On the one hand, yes we played well. At times it was Eastleigh continued. Yes, we did that with 9 players or so out (is that telling us something?). And yes, if anyone deserved the MoM, it was their goalkeeper. As somebody said yesterday when leaving, if we'd scored we wouldn't even be thinking about anything negative.
Yet on the other hand, it really is two points dropped at home. Football can be a right narky little bastard at times. But perhaps we really can't be pessimistic? Case in point : the Horsham fans reaction at the end suggested they'd been promoted. They're top, and yet they saw this as a big result. Not us. Whilst relieving myself in the bogs afterwards (and not in a George Michael style, either), I overhead a visting fan say that it was one of the best games he'd seen in a while.
Not only that, but our injuries are once again reaching NHS waiting list levels. The fact we couldn't play Roscoe or indeed put DG on says it all. And we needed PB limping off just as much as I need my testicles scraped with barbed wire. Yet again, we're talking about shots we made, saves that denied us and virtually nothing on the return of JT (snigger).
What really did surprise me was the reaction afterwards. There was precious little bloodletting, put it that way. I think I must have gotten so used to the hysterics after a loss/draw/bad peformance that the general positivity has come as a bit of a shock. Not that we deserved much spleen venting afterwards - this wasn't a fuck-me-we're-shit-and-we-got-away-with-that performance, this was more we-know-we're-not-shit-why-didn't-we-win-this. I think that is quite possibly a good sign.
What I hope doesn't happen is that we start tensing up about how we play because we're not getting the wins (even yesterday, there were still too many occasions of the long, slightly panicky ball, though they did happen towards the end and not after 20 minutes). Billericay will be a test of our new (?) found resolve, and might signify the season more than any other. It's away from home (and how glad are you to be away from KM until after Xmas? I certainly am), the standard of play seems more assured and we're due a really good win somewhere down the line.
Let's wait and see over all this, this is after all only two games of decent football. I don't fancy getting all excited and giddy this week, then play like the Frenzies come Billy Ricky. In the meantime, here's...
Plus points: We didn't lose. We kept a clean sheet. Continuing assured performance. First 20 minutes. Last 30 minutes. Look better with Chris Gell.
Minus points: We didn't win. We didn't score. 20 mins until half time period. Their goalie. Wes Daly's shooting
The referee's a.....: Actually, he wasn't too bad. Not somebody who sticks out in my mind as getting his refereeing licence half-price at Woolworths. That said, he did seem to miss a crocked Horsham player right at the end, with said player being down for at least two minutes...
Them: The Lards came in force, biggest away turnout this year I think. Though for some reason they were pretty quiet (and I was standing near them for virtually the whole game). Come to think of it, I haven't been quite so inspired by them for the last couple of visits. As for their team, apart from one disallowed goal I really couldn't remember much about them. They went for the draw in the second half and got it. Their first ever point against us, apparently, and that might explain their celebrations at the end. Bless them.
Point to ponder: No disrespect to Horsham at all, but a comment that kept cropping up yesterday. If Horsham are top, how shit must the RP be? Seriously. Last season, Braintree were the clear class above, and were deserved champions. Fi$her weren't too far behind when it came to the crunch. This season, who look obvious contenders? There isn't really anyone as of yet. OK, it might prove that in truth the RP is a lot stronger, with teams of a generally equal standard, but the handful of RP clubs left in the FAT might prove otherwise...
Three's a crowd: 2707, and in a way ever-so-slightly disappointing, considering the amount of marketing done beforehand. Actually, if it was an "ordinary" game (ie no incentives and a standard size away crowd) it would have been near 2107. While I've no doubt that many of the first timers will return, it does seem to me that these days we'll only break 3000 if we're in a vital league game at home. The big problem for AFCW is that the RP is a bit of a limbo league. The CCL novelty is long gone, and until we're winning/challenging for honours the level of football just isn't that interesting. Sometimes, attendances really are out of your hands.
Truth is stranger
than fiction: (1) For some reason, the second half felt like it went
on for ages. It wasn't even down to the fact that it was a dull game. I knew
something was up when I made a comment about it, waited, thought that we must
be nearing the end, making the same comment again and getting told "You
said that five minutes ago". (2) Tintin Haydon's "haka"
before the second half started. Looked more like an acute case of constipation.
(3) Eastleigh 0 Bognor Regis 4. No reason for mentioning it, just felt the
need to give their goalkeeper some more perfectly warranted abuse. Curse of
the Wombles...
Anything else? Um, dunno. Not really too sure if I can really add much more than what's already been said. Oh yeah - Franchise lost. Stop laughing and hope that Blackpool get a really decent draw to a top Prem side.
So, was it worth it? Possibly.
In a nutshell: Play worse and win has never been a more apt expression right now.