NEWS

21 October 2006

Given that this week has been one giant orgasm over playing Exeter next Saturday, we practically forgot that we had a game in the FAT to overcome. Mind you, half the time during Suburb of South London 2 Suburb of Luton 1 I thought that we were down the M4 already.

I suppose I ought to mention Exeter, as I've been pretty quiet this week. They should win, and in all truth probably will. What I want to hear is that we played out of our skin, gave them the shock of their lives and came away with our heads held high.

Actually, what I really want to hear is for us to win 5-0 with a performance that will shock the entire footballing world. I want to see a full packaged DVD of our victory, a testicle-blowing first round proper draw and for Franchise to realise what a bunch of cunts they are and withdraw from the competition immediately. I wouldn't like Franchise fans to realise what pointless accidents of birth they are by jumping in front of a train though. After all, I might be on it, and I do like to get to my destination on time.

The reaction at the draw has been what you would expect. All the discussion seems to be what train to get (preferably one which doesn't have suicidal Frenzies delaying the journey), how many tickets to buy, what station to get off at, what hotel to stay at and what filling in their Pret a Manger sandwich to have. Quite amusing really, speaking as one of the 124 of us at Sheff Weds, or one of the 96 at Everton in the Premiership. As somebody put it this week, it's as though we've never had an away trip before.

Needless to say, I won't be at SJP. I'm going to be here instead. And yes, I would like a match report please. Preferably of the game at Exeter.

Right, onto Dunstable. This had a distinct feel of after the Lord Mayor's Show, even before the event had taken place. Considering this is a competition I think we could do well in, I don't think I've experienced such a level of disinterest before. Maybe it was the distinct lack of people beforehand that did it? Not that those in the ground were totally focused.

The game seemed to represent the whole day. Once we got our goal in the first five minutes, that was it. And I don't mean in a good way either. We seemed to be in no more than second gear most of the time, although clearly we were avoiding any and all sorts of injury.

The thing was, when we could be bothered, we pretty much soaked them with urine. Most notable in the first 10 minutes, and in sporadic periods in the second. Inbetween that though, it was a case of done that, let's bugger off home for the X-Factor. And that is why Dunstable got into it too much for my liking. Play like that next week, and it'll be our record defeat. Of course, we won't do that...

The game? Very well. We scored through PB, after some rather nifty byline play by, erm...... was it D'insane or BB who did it? We laboured. They came back a little bit. We slumbered. I fell asleep. We got a penalty after D'insane was upended. He took it and scored for once. We thought it was over. We sat back. They scored. We woke up. And in truth, the game was pretty much dead after that.

Rivitted? No? Try reading the following...

Plus points: We won. In hindsight, quite comfortable in the end. Nobody obviously injured. Capable of going up that extra gear as/when required.

Minus points: Conceding. Defence.

The referee's a.....: Umm, can't really think of anything he did that pissed me off. Christ, this really must have been a low-key game.

Them: I know I'm going to be called disrespectful etc etc, but I really can't be arsed to write much about them. Put it this way - no matter how much play they had, if they'd scored two we would have woke up and put two more past them. Oh, and their fans did MK chants.

Point to ponder: As you can tell, my enthusiasm for this game was tested at the best of times. How are we going to cope on Tuesday vs Dulwich Hamlet?

Franchise watch: Haven't done one of these for a while, for depressingly obvious reasons. But hey, they lost 3-1 to Hereford and Martin Allen got sent off. Feel free to laugh long, loud and extremely heartedly. Of course, they'll claim that they've got their big game coming up this week, and need to save themselves for that. And let's be fair, they will probably see their team play a very good, competent game that will be worth their attendance. Just hope for their sake that Martin Jol doesn't put out a youth team instead.

Actually, it's been quite a good day away from SW19. Franchise lost, and so did Cardiff. Rumours are starting to abound that the Lebanese Hamas fundraiser may be scarpering. Wonder if he's finally pocketed the money for Ninian Park? Let's hope he accidentally ends up in Israel. Oh, and isn't it nice to see Leeds United doing so well? Leeds is a horrible place at the best of times, even though it's trying to reinvent itself with Virgin megastores and Harvey Nichols. It's the sort of place that would look the same after a nuke. Won't begin to describe the sub-human toxic waste at Elland Road, and that's just in the boardroom.

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) Did Phillo yawn on the PA during the game? (2) Yet another one of those Form Follow Function series flags. Dons Online will show it no doubt, and probably the best one of the lot, artisticly speaking. How many flags in this series will there be if we reach the FAT final? Might have to hire out a whole stand at this rate.

Anything else? Not really. Nice to see a massive queue for the Exeter tix. Bit like old times at Selhurst, without the Sunday morning opening hours and the authorities not wanting you to bother turning up.

So, was it worth it? At least we're in the draw

In a nutshell: Roll on Exeter.

And finally: As said above, I won't be at SJP. In fact, this will be my last update until at least 31 October. Try not to fight each other while my back is turned.

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16 October 2006

Sorry for this being late. My server decided it wouldn't let me upload anything yesterday, although it's been sorted now. I hope. I would suggest if you're worried about this going down in future, you sign up for the Mailing List, where I can keep you nice and informed. For some reason, and indicative of the shit I've had to deal with recently, last week's report got lost somewhere. I think it went in the same place as our playing ability against H&R. It's back up now.

As for Tiny 2 Evesham 1, I suppose you could call it a typical FAC game. At times, we could rip through them. At other points, we looked more clueless than a Franchise fan with a condom.

Be honest. When we went 1-0 up, you thought that was that. Cue idle talk about who we'd want in the next round, and whether we'd want Oxford United at home to swell the coffers, Woking away for another grand day out or perhaps the last remaining cannon fodder at KM, grateful to be on the same pitch as us, and content to go home with a heavily spanked botty.

Of course, they scored. Watching it on Dons Online, I still can't get my head around it. It sort of just happened. Needless to say, it all went a bit shit afterwards. Evesham clearly decided to go for the draw by this stage (about 15 minutes in). We looked as effective as the British Army in Afghanistan, and as well equipped.

Come to think of it, our tactics look like they came from some disbanded regiment. Got the ball? Hoof it long, hoof it high and see what happens. Which is all very well, except when the ref considers your main striker to be porking his daughter.

As much as I like him, Darren Grieves reminds me of Alan Cork post-1986. No, I don't just mean the hair. Nor am I referring to his Aston Villa-esque last minute scores in cup ties. Basically, when we start with him, we're, well, crap. Actually we're not, but something doesn't quite tie when he's on there at the start. Like Corky, he didn't have the mobility to be different but doesn't have the brick shithouse build to injure defenders. Keep him on the bench, send him on with 20 minutes to go if need be and prepare for fireworks.

OK, when PB came on, we changed. The birds started singing, the sun started shining, trees rustled happily, squirrels played with their nuts. Probably. Well, he certainly made a difference anyway. True to form, I missed his goal.....

After that, it could have been four. Actually, it should have been three, had D'insane not missed his penalty. It was also at this time that we started playing on the floor and look like we were using our brain. QED.

Enough football talk for you? I'm semi-enjoying writing more about the game these days. While that will guarantee a plummet of readership, those who remain can enjoy the following..

 

Plus points: Winning. Potential banana skin avoided. Could play better. PB. Steve Watson coming back for at least some of the game.

Minus points: Being shit for a sizeable part of the contest. Could play better. Defence looks shaky at times - a team better in front of goal would have knocked us out. The way we looked shocked/clueless at 1-1 until PB came on. Inability to kill games off - again.

The referee's a.......: Apparently, he's an acquaintance of DA. With friends like that, etc.

Them: 12 year olds doing "Easy" chants and the occasional MK quip. Nuff sed. To be fair though, they did seem quite gracious in defeat. Which is more than their cunt of a goalkeeper. Let's see - being v--e--r--y s--l--o--w when they were 1-1 (this was in the first half, don't forget). Rushing up in the 90th minute, pushing and shoving in the box (did he shove Frankie to the floor?), realising he got caught short, ran back, fell over the referee's leg and acting like he'd been in a drive-by. Appeared to be a bit of a humourless wanker as well. Still, he can enjoy the next round draw...

Point to ponder: Will Steve Watson become our new Joe Sheerin/Gareth Ainsworth? High hopes and an even higher BUPA bill to boot, in other words. Hope his pointing at his groin was a precaution, or at least an invitation to a bird at the back of the JS.

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) In true Tardis fashion, didn't Evesham's turnout look small in comparison to the number of coaches they took? (2) Looks like Tintin Haydon had another mascot to play with yesterday, some dog type creature. Forget who it was for, but do you think it's beyond us to get a second mascot in? Not so much enticing the kids during the game (actually, should rephrase that) but as an option should we ever become desperate up front.

Anything else? Yeah. You know how sometimes you wonder why certain players make it and others don't? You know the sort of thing, why John Terry made it and Carl Cort didn't?

Well, for this game I saw the two sides of footballers attitude close up. One was Paul Barnes, who ran his reproductive equipment off and changed the game from lumpfest to lovefest. A guy who pulled back to fitness, with no known complaints and with a more-or-less guaranteed run in the side.

The other was the un-named footballer (he remains anonymous because I can't 100% place him, although I'm 98% sure who he is) who I stood behind in the tea bar queue. Suffice to say, he wasn't playing, whinging as hell about being dropped and ended with the quote "I can't wait to leave, so I can get some work under my belt". Well, he knows where the door is....

And here's the rub. I presume this player was fed up, with comments like - as I overheard mumbling - "I don't like that when he did that in front of the boys". OK, he was with one of the anon "DA out" poster types that crop up after every loss, so he may have been prompted. But I think this player is on contract, and probably gets a fair chunk out of AFCW's coffers. If he is, he does what he's told - you get paid to do a job, you do it. I presume he's happy to accept any cheques from AFCW, even though (assuming I'm right in IDing him) the guy is a well-considered liability. Can't say I'll miss him when he finally fucks off.

Personally, I'd rather have a PB or a Robin Shroot in the starting XI, players who are a little bit more reliable. And I'm sure our fitness expert will be interested to hear that he was busy ordering a double cheeseburger with double bacon....

So, was it worth it? It will be when the 4Q draw is made.

In a nutshell: (Still) up for the cup.

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7 October 2006

Jesus fucking christ. You know, I wish this site was still down, as I wouldn't need to write up Axe Wound 0 Beavers 1. It felt like I'd walked back into the worst excesses of last season. No idea, no hope, everything just going wrong. People think the sky is going to fall in after one loss, the Samaritans taking on extra staff to cope with a frenzy of calls from SW London, little guerilla cells testing their loyalty to The Cause by seeing how loud they can shout "DA out", that kind of thing. I'm seriously tempted to copy and paste a bad match from last season, such is the feeling of deja vu.

OK, let's put the knives out of harms way. Let's be calm and collected about this. Perhaps the worst thing about today is that we have at least two weeks to stew on this. Yeah, I know we've got the FAC next week, but that's different. Losing our unbeaten run sucks, and to do it in such a timid way sucks even more. Especially to a team that has our name, address and NI details.

So, what went wrong? Have we suddenly become a failure overnight? Probably not. What's more likely to have happened today was this: we knew we were going to lose it before we walked out on the pitch. Seriously. It was as though last season just played on our mind too much. We looked different to what we have done this season, and it showed. Perhaps today might be down to a very simple thing that maybe, just maybe, a certain club always has the hoodoo over us?

I've always felt that we'll be judged by Xmas (not 10 games). I'm not naive enough to think that these sort of performances will never happen again this season - they will. The key is that they're few and far between. If these sort of things happen in one-in-four games, then I think that's it for DA. The reshuffle would probably cost us a playoff place but that may be the chance to regroup and do it "properly" (ie no interim managership, getting the short-term and long-term balance right). If they don't, well....

Anyway, is this enough for you? It's bad enough having to do this, let alone think about RoI in Cyprus. Still, at least Scotland and Sanch cheered me up...

Plus points: Section temporarily removed due to unforseen circumstances

Minus points: Fill it in yourself.

The referee's a......: Ah, let's blame him. Chicken fucker. Actually, I'll kill two birds with one stone here : Chalfers ye Buffet Slayer did me a spleen venting exercise that also doubled up as a BHT report from last Tuesday. Criminally, I forgot to put it up, but I'll do so here (remember to use your back button after you've finished). Feel free to take everything written on Tuesday and use against the official today.

Them: Did a job and did it well. Managed to get rid of Curley early on and then took the scruff of the neck from there. Celebrated like they'd won the WC after the final whistle. Still, bet they end up losing the next three games on the trot, though I not too sure if we ought to feel flattered or even more POed.

Point to ponder: Lewis Cook. Why? Unless he's a backup for Bubb, that is. Other thing is about Scott Curley. I gather that the management didn't exactly put an arm around his shoulder when he came off. Now, on the surface that may not seem a good thing, but I noticed something last week whilst standing behind the dugouts: seems that Curley was, well, "pulling his weight" on occasions. Perhaps he can't get away with being a hothead so much without the additional bits to his game? Anyway, don't be surprised to see a replacement soon...

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) Match sponsor was the Womble Virgins. Presume it means that they've never scored in their lives. A bit like our strikeforce at the moment. (2) Your humble and esteemed editor getting on Radio WDON not once, but twice. And I didn't suffer a tourets moment, though the referee was tempting me. (3) I was doing NLP duties today, and I got slung out of the press box because of a meeting between the top steward brass and nice Mr Policeman at 3pm precisely. I know us press guys are as popular as a fart in a lift sometimes, but couldn't they have waited until I've written my first sentence?

Anything else? No.

So, was it worth it? Section temporarily removed due to unforseen circumstances

In a nutshell: Gash.