28 November 2004

While these sort of games tend to happen towards the end of the season, Pony 1 Trap 2 had an air of banana skin attached to it. It's those sort of places where runs end with a whimper rather than a bang. The game started off on a pitch that looked like the Somme, while after 4 minutes our defence acted like it was lying dead on the Somme. It was a well taken goal, but it was as though the defence had developed gangrene. Our forward line was using WW1 style aerial artillery - presumably playing on the ground was too iffy - though we were about as effective as the League of Nations.

OK, enough war references. The second half was when we had our arses kicked. I've no idea what DA puts in the half time drinks, but I just hope they don't show up on urine tests. We motored, and while it took 60 minutes, when Matt E bodychecked rose above their #4 to nod home, there was only going to be one winner. And it wasn't them.

With Bash looking more rattled than a Ukrainian election commissioner, the second goal was merely forthcoming. Randall, right on 89 minutes, headed in following some good crossing by Ginge. Another 3 points, and hopefully the next time we play Bashley, I won't have to drive in the dark.

Anyway....

Plus points: A win. In a difficult place. Ginge's crossing. Ability to keep pressing forward still impresses me even now.

Minus points: Conceding. Ursell injured (perhaps we can sue Chester?)

The referee's a.....: Well, he was OK I suppose.

Them: Right in the middle of nowhere - literally. I was trying to work out where the village was, but it felt like an Irish village insofar as the settlement is about 6 houses and that's it. Plenty of bloody horses though, I've never seen a wild horse before. Seen a couple of livid ones though. The ground was clearly in the downtown entertainment part of Bashley, it had the FC, the village hall and the cricket ground side by side. As for the FC, nice enough people. Cheap to get in, efficient tea bar (Dunstable take note). Team quite battling, though clearly were running out of steam late on. Oh, and did anyone else see the Bash goalie at the end showing how he shakes coffee beans?

Spotted: Some AFC Bournemouth fans, who decided that the trip to Hartlepool was a tad too far that day. From the amount they were drinking, their hangovers this morning will have been on a par with the ones they'd get from a day in the North East.

Point to ponder: On the weekend of 28th November 1999, I was watching a club called Wimbledon playing away at Newcastle, in front of 36,623. The ground was a spaceship, the area the usual grey, decaying northern city, and the biggest threat to your wellbeing was an irate wild Geordie roaming around the streets of Toonside. On the weekend of 28th November 2004, I was watching a club called Wimbledon playing away at Bashley, in a crowd of about 920. The ground was a car park, the area was the usual bleak outpost of countrysided southern England and the biggest threat to your wellbeing was an irate wild horse roaming around the open fields of Bashley. There is something profound about this comparison, but I haven't quite figured out what.

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) Seeing lots of Palace fans en-route (they were away at Soton), both going and coming. Complete with drivings skills of your average Croydonian. (2) Thinking I was at a CCL game all over again. (3) Tuning into local radio and hearing Status Quo. Not only that, it was part of a top five favourites from a guy called Derek from somewhere like Dibley or Dibdon. I really wish I was making this up.

Anything else? Yeah. Passed through a place called Lyndhurst en route, which I'm told is famous for something. Anyone know why?

So, was it worth it? Well, at least I can say I've seen the New Forest.

In a nutshell: Neigh.

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20 November 2004

Any expectation that we would take it easy after the 76th game unbeaten were blown away thanks to Richard Gere 2 Hamster 0*. The fact that it was cold and wet didn't dampen (sorry) our performance which started off pretty well and sort of carried on throughout the whole game.

* - LEGAL NOTICE: This is an urban myth, according to here and Mr Gere's lawyers. The hamster was unavailable for comment

Actually, let's rephrase that. We gave them an arsewhipping. Certainly in the first half, where we renamed ourselves as Mr Whippy, wore a leather mask and jockstrap and handcuffed Dulwich to the bed. We attacked, put the ball wide/high too many times, and even managed to hit the post before Chris Gell was poleaxed strongly challenged in the box. Penalty to us, and after a bit of pushing/shoving and the ref and lino talking things over, Ryan Gray stepped up to slot home.

Second half? Well, basically, it was more of the same. DH tried to come back a little bit, but really didn't look much. Instead, it was us playing the PVC clad dominatrix yet again, though it did take us until the 84th minute before Steve Gibson rifled it home.

Anyway, shall we?

Plus points: A win. Home. Clean sheet. Far more relaxed and professional. Using flanks well. Joe Sheerin coming on twice in a week without getting injured.

Minus points: Should have been five. Shooting a bit shit.

The referee's a.....: Well?

Them: Bit narky in the first half, their #8 apparently being a bit of a moany wanker. Other than that, they were crap. That said, on my NLP rounds, I have been given free tea and a programme by their programme editor, so I can't say much bad against them.

Spotted: (1) About 5 Lokomotive Leipzig fans, on a trip to KM from the snowy Saxony. Nice enough people, though sadly they hadn't read FourFourTwo. (2) Busload of Luton fans who decided that going to the NHS wasn't such a good idea. With a treat of "4-1 to the Luton Town" by the WB to boot as well.

Better red than dead: You might have seen some people wearing red today. No, it wasn't the AFCW Friends Of Trotsky meet, sitting in their expensive clothes, drinking pricey wines and lambasting the rich, but instead it was a fan unity thing, this time highlighting Wrexham's plight. Basically, Wrexham fans asked various people to wear red to show support, as they're fucked thanks to an unscrupulous owner who has separated their ground and club (sounds familiar?)

It's all well and good, I guess, but in the post 28/5/02 climate, do small protests in general really have the desired effect that they used to? Yes, it was suggested by Wrexham as a morale booster, I'm told that's the intention anyway, but I remain unconvinced Wrexham's very real problems will be helped sufficiently by a few hundred people wearing red shirts. Money, perhaps, or a Man U/Glazer style publicity drive would help them more. Our most effective form of protest came after 28/5/02 (think about it), and we of all fans should know what will help and what won't.

The problems in football are way too deep for symbolic protests to work any more. It's going to need a club like Wrexham, or Leicester, or Leeds to go under for people to take notice. It's going to need a few more AFCWs to set up and get in the paper for people to take notice. Perhaps most importantly of all, it's going to need a bit more monetary investment by fans to get into their clubs (be it through trusts or other forms of funding) to stop the clubs being decimated. The solutions lie in money because the problems lie in money. And as AFCW has proven, the real power still lies in the hands of the supporters, if they choose to use it. Until some sense of realism sets in, from all sides, we'll be hearing a lot more Wrexham-type scenarios.

Let's be honest here, when MK happened, the wider footballing world should have held its arms up in disgust, but it didn't. Football has never been a principled, all-as-one family. If Wrexham go under, it'll be Wrexham fans and some community-minded fans of other clubs who will give a shit. The rest? You guessed it. Our fans didn't care for Aldershot, Newport and Maidstone, and I remember quite a few laughing at Palace. I wish Wrexham luck - christ, they need it - but red shirts don't suit me....

Point to ponder: We played the ball a lot more on the floor today, and were clearly successful with it. Which begs the question, why did we change our style to a more aerial assault earlier on?

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) Phillo playing Sid Vicious' version of "My Way", hastily pulling the plug when it got to the lyric of "You cunt, I'm not a queer". Shame. (2) How unusual is it to get an attendance dead on 3000? (3) Decided to go down the WB for the second half, and was greeted with a smell of cannabis. What do you West Bankers get up to?

Anything else? Not really. My Red Sox fleece's hood came in handy today though. Oh, and WUP's interview with Roy Cappel was pretty funny.

So, was it worth it? Quite possibly.

In a nutshell: Now, how do I get to Bashley?

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17 November 2004

Suddenly, all looks fine again in the AFCW garden. OK, so it was only the New Sponsor Needed Cup but judging by Goats 1 Llamas 2 the millstone has been removed and suddenly we look like the all-conquering warriors, metaphorically raping and pillaging all before us. Probably.

I can't quite place what's different since Bromley but the ball was on the deck a little bit more, there wasn't so much tension, that sort of thing. Dulwich Hamster will be interesting

The game? Oh, that. Well, we opened the scoring thanks to Martin Randall, who shot outside the area. Horsham came at us, but we put the game beyond reach thanks to the no-longer-much-maligned Richard Butler who trickled the ball in. I say trickled in, but the last time a group of people showed such brain dead sluggish reactions, it was the photoshoot of the next "I'm A Celebrity Get Me Into Hello Magazine" retardfest.

Well, we should have put the game beyond reach, but we didn't. It wasn't anything to do with us, but thanks to the ref (see below) and other factors, Horsham got a penalty. Cue much snarling and gnashing of teeth. Naisbitt was so irate he apparently kicked one of their players, thankfully not seen. After a conversion, making it 2-1, it could have gone wrong. But really, it was only because of JS' inability to lob the goalie when he was clean through that it was less comfortable than it should have been.

None the less for that.

Plus points: Professional. Good passing. Disiplined.

Minus points: Shame we didn't keep a clean sheet.

The referee's a........: Right now, there is a donkey somewhere in a field in Sussex that has been given oral gratification by the man in the middle yesterday. I wouldn't say he was bad but Mr Fish (he of G&G infamy) would condemn his reffing. The evidence : We get a free kick and our player compains about the heavy challenge. Result? Our player booked. Our player getting his clock cleaned by a tackle? Mere booking. Brutal sodomy in the centre circle without any lubricant? Stiff talking to. DA getting irate? Ref storms over in a petty little fit and orders him from the bench. He probably has a tiny willy. Oh, and he had a stupid high pitched whistle.

Them: Second in the league and it shows. Still shit compared to us though. Their fans are the noisiest in the league, with the strangest chants known to man. The one about not surrendering to the low fat spread, donkey riding, excessive mentions of lard (don't tell the Health secretary, he's trying to ban everything else that people might enjoy) and a 30 minute rendition of a song involving jazz mags can all be found in print here. Our lot were pretty quiet in comparison, but then our lot are pretty quiet compared to trappist monks.

Three's a crowd: No idea of the attendance (it's not on the OS) but it did look a lot more than I had thought would turn up. Then again, I only thought three people would turn up. Not only that, but the vibes were better. Obviously it's not just the players who feel happier.

Point to ponder: OK, JS not getting injured for once is a minor miracle, but I wonder if he's lost the confidence to shoot? There were a couple of instances where he passed the ball instead of doing what strikers do and hammer it home. And this is the Catch 22 situation. For him to stick around at AFCW he needs to be fit. But he also needs to be sharp at scoring, so he needs to keep playing. But until he proves his fitness he can't play. My feeling is that he won't be an AFCW player next season..

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) One of the nicest kebabs I've had outside of Plaistow/Old Kent Road. More meat than the entire burger collection at KM [note to AFCW/caterers: that was a joke]. (2) No sighting of any of the locally based Eames clan. Shame, but that's football

Anything else? Yeah, who are we playing in the next round?

So, was it worth it? Suppose so.

In a nutshell: Now, let's beat Dulwich shall we?

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13 November 2004

Quick. Where's Norris McWhirter? Oh wait, he's dead. Never mind, get Roy Castle. Oh wait, he's dead as well. Damn. Looks like we'll have to sing it..... "Dedication, dedication, dedication, that's what you need. If you want to be the best, and if you want to beat the rest, dedication's what you need". Cue trumpet.

No, I haven't flipped out totally (only a matter of time though), but AFCW is now the holder of the British record for most consecutive league games without losing. 76 games now, and it's nice that we've finally got something that means a lot to people. We could have very easily lost out, but thankfully when Gypsies 1 Tramps and Thieves 1 came to pass, I could feel the relief. Finally, the record is ours. To get something like that is a damn fine achievement, no matter what league you play in. OK, we came close a couple of times to buggering it up, which probably makes it all the more amazing

The scenes at the end said it all. The team staying on the pitch to applaud, the fans staying to sing "We're proud of you". Quite gladdening in a way.

Actually, I almost didn't make it today. At about 2.30pm I was stuck in traffic in, of all places, Coney Hall. Now, thankfully my car doesn't have any AFCW stickers in it, otherwise I would have had my car hijacked, the hubcaps stolen, shit smeared over the windowscreen and to add insult to injury had it painted burberry. And they would have blamed me for it as well. Sad thing is, if you were to drive through there without knowing where you were, it does look quite habitable.

I somehow made kickoff, headed towards the tea bar and spent a good 20 minutes queuing for a cuppa. And I missed their goal (Naisbitt through hands, by all accounts). And I got short changed 20p for the tea as well. Cunts.

I did see Ursell's goal though, sort of. He turned on the edge of the box and rifled it home. Cue mass bundle, and cue me queuing up for another cup of tea (got accused today of having a caffeine addiction for some reason). This time taking about 30 minutes, lasting throughout the half time break. Still, the woman serving was sympathetic and only charged me 50p. No idea about the price of the tea though.

Second half? Um, dunno. I got the feeling we should have won it. Don't think Bromley had much at all.

Anyway...

Plus points: Breaking the unbeaten record

Minus points: Should have won. Naisbitt handling as well as the Palestinians handled crowd control at Yasser Arafat's funeral.

The referee's a.....: Oh dear. Let the game get a bit niggly, shall we say.

Them: I hate Bromley. Correction, I fucking hate Bromley. I hate the place which takes a year to get to. I hate the small team, big attitude that descends on you when you walk into the ground. I hate the fucking pikeys that live there. I hate their poxy parking restrictions. I hate that stupid arsehole dog on the Churchill HQ. I hate... you get the idea. Put it this way, any place that makes me glad I've reached Thornton Heath isn't going to get high marks from me. Oh, and it's in Kent.

There were more stewards in the car park alone than the last game we played there, which was good of them. Plenty of cops and stewards and even a St Johns presence. No alcohol on sale during the game (thankfully) or after the game to Wombles (thankfully). Locals were usual Kent stock, a couple of Shepherd Neame inside them and they acted like yokels on a day trip to the city. Couple of them tried to take out their drinks to watch the game.... When the Cray games comes around, I'm tempted to miss it.

Radio GaGa: Listening to Spurz vs Arsenil on the way there on Radio Dive Live, and one L Sanchez was on there. You can take the man out of Wimbledon but...... he reminisced about when we beat Spurz in 1986, when he got sent off for decking tackling Graham Roberts, the 88 semi and best of all, mentioned our game today. The word, as they say, is spreading.

Point to ponder: It was mentioned to me that we were playing better because we were playing more on the ground. I wonder if a lot of the criticism aimed at the team about style of play got through? More to the point, now the record has been broken, will the team be more relaxed? If so, we are more than capable of extending the unbeaten run.

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) The farmyard (complete with work horses) by the ground. And you think I'm overdoing the pikey labelling..... (2) What was their PA bloke on? On second thoughts, do I want to know? (3) Despite the crowd figure (between 1900 and 2000), it didn't look quite as full as the CH game. Were they counting safety officers? (4) Playing "Rule Britannia" at the end over the PA. Go figure. (5) Was Bromley really the same place where we scored our first ever goal?

Anything else? OK, be honest - don't you feel a little twinge of disappointment that it's Thurrock on telly tomorrow and not us? You're probably cursing to yourself that if only we'd managed to convert one of those corners we had against them in the first half. It's best not to worry about it - Thurrock were better than us on the day, and are more likely to cause an upset. Just look at it from this angle : give it a couple of years and we'll have enough mettle to get into the first round proper. As tempting as it is to believe otherwise, this team and club still have a lot to learn..

So, was it worth it? Dedication's what you need.... Sorry, what was the question?

In a nutshell: Watch us lose next game

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6 November 2004

Oh dear. How can I even begin to explain the carnage that Hens 3 Cocks 0 became? It seems like everything that could have gone wrong, did go wrong. Suddenly, there was no plan B, no likelyhood of scoring. All shots went over the bar, or wide. That is, when we weren't miscontrolling the ball. It felt like we had been magically transported back to the dying days of OGEM's era. Painful, and just as depressing.

This was the first time in AFCW history that I've seen us totally capitulate like this. This was as bad as some of the Premiershit drubbings. This wasn't a teething loss like the 5-0 vs W&H in the beginning. This wasn't an honorable mismatch like the Watford and Luton friendlies. This was against a team, one division above us, who have just lost their manager. This was the sort of team who, if we have even remote pretences at being a top non-league club, we should beat. Or at least not totally fuck up against.

The worst thing is that we started off very well. OK, our crossing and finishing could have been better, but we were certainly getting in behind their defence. Indeed, I timed their first shot at 25 minutes. So, what happened second half? They scored, and scored again. And should have scored some more. Every time they went forward, I winced. This could have been 4-0 or 5-0 to them and it wouldn't have been unfair on us.

The most worrying thing is that when we do lose a league game, and it will happen soon (we are seriously teetering on the edge), we will lose about 4 or 5 games on the trot. Witness how Arsenal can't seem to win at the moment (1-1 vs Palace tonight being the latest example). We haven't looked convincing in October and this month. I know there's a lot of pressure with this damned run, and yes, when it comes down to it I would like to see us lose after Bromley - hell, I want the record - as I think it will refocus us. But a run without looking like winning could hurt us loads. The talent is clearly there, but is the attitude going? Will the confidence plummet? On the basis of this, we are just about to find out..

Anyway..

Plus points: First half wasn't bad

Minus points: Rest of it was shite.

The referee's a ......: Well, some think that the ref was being a bit favoured to the higher division side, missing handballs etc, but quite simply we can't use him as a scapegoat. Or if we did, we're in trouble.

Them: Christ, what a shit area. Looked like Liverpool or the St Helier estate. Ground had a Plough Lane feel, from the bus outside to the skipping PA system. All we needed was that Sydney Youngblood record that Jimmy King always used to play and it would have been home from home. Dunstable levels of organisation, namely one tea bar open. Then telling me that there was another temporary stand selling the usual stuff, though that queue was bloody long as well. As for their players, their #2 was an expert in masturbation techniques. So good was he that a photographer took some snaps and showed a couple of his copper mates...

Sing when you're winning: Was it me or was the atmosphere a bit like our second half performance? The Hendon fans were in good voice (when they were in the lead, quelle surprise), with "3-0 to the real Dons", and "Pub team from Surrey" being aimed at us. Might have been a couple of Dave Anderson chants as well. Oh well, we'll probably be playing them next season. Plan revenge mission now.

Nee naw nee naw: Unusual amount of coppers today. I suppose they were all on training exercises from the local training college. Anyway, for the first time ever the police dog seemed to be a golden retriever type mutt. Normally, you would expect a police dog to be a big alsation to scare the bejeesus out of you or a beagle to take a great interest in your crack. But this? I know the police have funding cuts, but what next? A sausage dog?

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) DA, on pulling off our #8 (?), commented to the people behind the goal that "I had to take him off - he was tired". Right..... (2) How kewl was it to be able to go on a tube journey to a game again? Morden to Brent Cross is so easy it's unreal. (3) Hearing "what a waste of money" to one of our players. Last time I heard a chant like that, I was paying entrance fees that equalled the entire cost of today's game. (4) Hendon have the Sheep Raffle (where you win a cash prize, I hope), their junior club is called the Lambs and their big mascot is a bloke in a giant ram costume. Was Hendon's founder Welsh?

Franchise watch: Go on. Grab a beer, sit down, forget our game and piss yourself at their latest loss. 4-1 to Brizzle City. Yeah, it's obsessive and petty, but as Danny Baker once said, it's as much about them losing as us winning.

Anything else? Yeah. At about 2-0 down, I really felt our crowd turning against the team. Not in an obvious way, but the murmurings were getting a bit bitter. Coming back on the tube, that game five years ago vs Sheff Weds at Shitehurst cropped up again. OK, the circumstances now are different from them, but for the first time in years I felt that pit in the stomach over our performance. Christ, perhaps we ARE a proper football club again?

So, was it worth it? Fuck off and die

In a nutshell: At least we can concentrate on the league.

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5 November 2004

Yes, there wasn't a Fleet report. Basically speaking, I left my pen at home and had to nab one, so there weren't so many notes anyway. The next day, evening and Thursday morning were out of the question, so that's why there hasn't been anything up until now

Instead, a few random thoughts from the lead-filled squishy ball of contaminated tissue that passes itself off as my brain.

Funniest moment of Fleet was the anti-Andy Sinton chants. "Tottenham reject" and "If Sinton played for England so could I" my own favourites. I think this is one of the very few things I miss about WFC, being able to chant abuse at famous people. Maybe the higher we go up the leagues the more oldies we can remind that we haven't quite gone away...

Roddis has gone, and in the age old AFCW tradition, he has been giving us grief in the South London Press.

"The fans have to be realistic, they can't expect so much from part timers, otherwise they should have gone to MK to watch professional football."

Cupple o'tings. While we do forget that they are part timers (sometimes), there is a level of expectancy at our club. You don't set up a club, make a costly purchase of a leasehold of the ground, employ a top rated manager all in front of gates that are in the top three or four in the country in non-league and expect an easy ride. Some players (ie Ursell) are successful, others (like Roddis) are as much use as John Kerry.

Being part-time means jack shit. I'm sure if some of our players were to train as professionals (ie 4 times a week for however long), they would be in the professional game. Ursell could be, Matt E might be, and if JS wasn't a cripple he'd be at a League One club. Christ, look at some of the players who played for WFC (Carl Leaburn for instance). What is Roddis' excuse?

As for the MK cheap shot, anyone who comes through AFCW and on departure throws that sort of insult is only good for shovelling pigeon shit. This club's on-field success has come down to skill, talent, commitment and above all a damn good attitude. No wonder Roddis failed here.

Speaking of ex-players, while working at Croydon vs Dulwich on Wednesday, I saw KC. He was on the bench, getting a run out after 89 minutes....

Elsewhere, it's the FAT tomorrow, and in true Sky Sports hype, it's the big return of DA to his old patch. If we're going to win it, it'll have to be tomorrow. To add to the buildup, their manager has resigned. Good of him. They are a little bit good, Hendon, they're one division above us and a couple of places away from playoff position. In other words, a guaranteed victory for us.....

Finally, Hornchurch are fucked. The company that had been bankrolling them is no more, and they are up Faeces Creek without a propellor/water interface implement. There are other clubs that are in their situation, Horsham and Fisher Athletic (or so I'm told) are two other sides that have gone down this route. I suppose that at AFCW we are probably best equipped for paying higher wages, on the basis that we have a regular income through tickets, merchandise etc (the apparent lack of sponsorship beyond SI and the firms that have a link to AFCW anyway concerns me though).

Obviously, I would prefer it if we didn't have to pay whatever Hornchurch were paying their players - thing is, the more we progress and the more common this sort of thing becomes elsewhere, can we afford not to? I feel a WUP article coming...

Normal service resumes tomorrow. Be there. Just remember to get off at Brent Cross.