24 February 2002 [AM EDITION]

Right, you may have to forgive the somewhat patchy writeup of Lyons 0 Starbucks 1 today, as I decided to spend most of last night in a Wimbledon pub. Needless to say that alcohol doesn't exactly help your memory, and the notes I did write down would win a Booker Prize for sheer weirdness. Anyway ...... we ended the barren run of not scoring/winning/playing at all well with a somewhat professional performance. Although honours were fairly even in the first half, Coopers goal was something nice. Many thought that it didn't go in, hence the delayed celebrations. Some still don't. Second half, Millwall were, well, ordinary. If DC could get some confidence back..

And now...

Plus points: We won. Without conceding a goal. Solid performance by all concerned.

Minus points: As said before, if only DC's confidence was better.

The referee's a......... : Wasn't bad as it goes, refereed in a fair and honest manner. Relatively speaking.

Woking watch: Was seen giving (that's giving) a half-pint of lager away. Guess he really has learnt his lesson. Anyway, WW will now be suspended until he decides to single handedly drink the entire vodka output of a small ex-Soviet country again.

Quotes: (1) "Five minutes to showtime" - Millwall PA just before kickoff. I know it's supposed to signify something glitzy and showbussinessy (?) but I'm sure most people know that intro from boxing matches. And they say that the pugilist mentality doesn't exist in SE15 anymore. (2) "I hate Norwegians like Koppel" - female womble who is best remaining nameless :) For some reason, she has threatened to kill me if I published that quote. Hey, what's so wrong with hating Koppout?

I've got a song to sing, and it's for yooooou: So, let's examine the harmonies concocted yesterday, shall we? We were heard on the radio BTW. Usual anti-Koppout stuff gave its much welcomed airing. Add "Shall we throw a coin for you", "You all live in a dirty tower block", "Your dad is on parole" to the biting wit from us to them. The Wall? Well, they did give us "Where the fuck is Milton Keynes", which I presume was trying to be funny or satirical but just turned out to be plain stupid.

The ultimate Truth is stranger than fiction: You've all read it by now, but it's worth repeating again as it really is the ultimate "fuck me did that really happen?" moment. Basically, a Womble in a red puffa jacket, who I certainly have seen at plenty of WFC games, was singled out by the Wall fans for much abuse. Needless to say, he rose to it. About 20 mins before the end, the stewards slung him out (not before he blew kisses to the Wall fans). In what has to be the singularly most stupidest moment in the history of the world apart from the creation of Charles Koppout, he then worked his way directly into where all the Millwall fans who were giving him grief. Pinching yourself? I certainly am. Reportedly, he had a bottle with him, went to "see a couple of Millwall fans", then apparently taunted the Wall mob by calling them "bottle jobs" and threatening to fight them all. Oh dear. You can probably guess that all 30 of the Wall mob laid into him, and it has to be said, it was a little bit frightening. Mind you, I think it was a case of 2-3 Wall laying into him and the other mob members laying into the other mob members who were trying to lay into him. The stewards stood back (do you actually blame them?) before the coppers rescued him then arrested him. Somehow, I think we'll never see him again, the court order may be for his own protection.

And in case anyone is wondering, I believe I have a bit of an SP on him. Could be wrong, but his name is Sam, he's about 17 or 18, he might come from somewhere in deepest East London (Tower Hamlets?) and was once slung out of Sheff Weds for carrying an airhorn in the ground and trying to deck a steward. Nice to see that we're now breeding nutters again.

Speaking of nutters, what about Koppout? Probably there, didn't see him. Didn't want to see him, come to think of it. Do you think he owns a red jacket? Here's hoping.

To further cheer you up: We apparently took more to the Den than Palace did.

So, was it worth it? Compared to the Watford game, yes.

In a nutshell: A win on the field is always nice.

 

20 February 2002 [AM EDITION]

Another shitty evening game in shitty weather at shitty Selhurst Park with a shitty draw. I swear that The Real WFC 0 Some Other WFC 0 didn't happen, because I certainly don't remember ANYTHING from this game that I didn't write down. Honestly.

All right, so I decided to spend much of the second half drinking beer before the SS decided to ask me to move along. Bastards. But seriously, what the fuck is wrong at WFC apart from the obvious? Many people are calling for TB to relinquish his position, and had circumstances been "normal" he probably wouldn't be here. The team seem demotivated, or at least just can't get together. Perhaps when Koppout tried to sell Morgan it just ripped the motivation out of the team. Hell, when Swivel Eyes is trying to do what Goldberg did at Palace, why would YOU bother?

Speaking of bothering, why does TB keep with the same old excuses? Crap atmosphere (hey, you think we enjoy it here?), crap pitch, blah blah blah, 100% effort yada yada. Burton's excuses are fast becoming as imaginative as the performances, and he too may find a nasty shock a-coming. You don't like it Terry? Fine, just walk out the door. Unless Koppout's paying off your mortgage that is.

Now for the bits far more entertaining than the game:

Plus points: Well, I suppose we didn't lose or concede a goal.

Minus points: Everything from 7.45pm to 9.30pm last night.

The referee's a....... : Watford fan apparently. And he still couldn't raise the ire.

Overheard: A well known programme seller (that's the OFFICIAL programme to you scummy Y&B tossers) was almost sacked from his position after Reg Davis overheard him say that Y&B was a far better publication. Hallegedly, of course....

Woking watch: The return of the popular* feature which may become quite regular depending on how much comic mileage I can get out of it. Anyway, Woking was sticking to lager, rather sensibly, but did decide to show me this little gem to your left. Hmm, it's supposed to look like me. You can obviously read what it says, but let's just say that the camera never lies. And it's never a good idea to get totally off your face in a public house full of your own kind. As for Woking himself, he certainly wasn't as alcoholically enibriated as some others yesterday. Which given the performance on the pitch yesterday, probably was not such a wise move after all. Vodka and red bull, Woking.....? :)

* - popular with everyone except Woking himself, seemingly. No, nobody's going to take the piss out of you.....

Quotes: Sorry, once again I wasn't paying attention. Funnily, everyone is being careful what they say around me ATM. Can't think why.

Watford fans: There weren't that many of them really, were there?

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) Why was there an Alan Cork chant during the game? (2) The PA announcer cocking up the name of one of the Watford subs. Bring back Phillo. (3) Kelvin's kicking, more chance of the British Army not shooting pregnant women in Afghanistan than him kicking straight yesterday. Maybe he really does love the "Sully" chants? (4) I cannot remember the last time I fell asleep at a game.

Speaking of people who you want to fall asleep permanently...... : Didn't see him TBH. Though the only way even his spiteful presence would have got me going last night was for him to have been torched at the stake on the centre circle during the game. At least it would have given TB a new excuse for us not winning ("the smell of his hush puppies put us off").

West Bank Male Choir ensemble: Seriously - and I mean SERIOUSLY - good anti-Koppout songs for 10 minutes. Even the comatose mild mannered Main Stand joined in. Cost us the game, of course.

Anything else? If you seriously think I'm going to comment any more on that poor excuse for a game, you can fuck right off.

Umm, OK. Er, was it worth it? If you're the kind of person who gets thrills out of having your genetalia strapped to an electric diode whilst being submerged in ice cold water for long periods of time, you may have found yesterday a similarly satisfying experience. For those who have some degree of pain threshold and/or sanity, I seriously doubt it.

In a nutshell: Neil Ardley's sliced volley. Nuff sed.

 

 

16 February 2002

All right, as far as local derbies go, Tenants 1 Tenants 1 may not quite be on the same scale as Celtic vs Rangers, but it was nice for once just to forget the off-field shit for a while and concentrate on hostilities. And for about 80 odd minutes we did, with Damo netting after 10 mins, though to be fair we didn't really push home any advantage. When Palace equalised, you probably weren't that surprised. I wasn't. DC missed some absolute sitters, so did Akenbyie or whatever his name is. And, er, that was basically it. It wasn't really awe-inspiring was it? With the amount of people wearing DT rugby shirts (not really a rugger shirt wearer meself, though they do look nice), maybe watching the 6 Nations would have been a better bet. Unless you're Irish.

Anyway, onto the stuff you've kept awake for until now :

Plus points: Well at least we didn't lose. And we did score a goal, which was pleasant.

Minus points: Threw it away, basically. Stopped playing direct, started to fuck about with it. E. Nuff zed.

The referee's a.......: Alcock by name Alcock by nature. Expertly described thus - "Alcock is ruining this game", especially after Hughes got maliciously assaulted and raped tackled strongly and had to depart. No wonder Di Canio pushed him over.

Woking watch: The man who should really lay off the vodka is now fine and well and sticking to lager. He has asked me to take down the pic and description of him, but I will only do so after everyone has looked at it. Only another 13 billion people to go....

Strokes of luck: Me finding a £2 coin on the floor in the Holmesdale.

Song Sung Blue: Plenty of good ones today : From us to them, the wit kept flowing. "You're just a bunch of squatters", "Your mum sells lavender", "You may as well go home" at 1-0 up (oops), "Ron Noades is your landlord", all good stuff. What did they reply with? Well, they tried to do a pro-MK chant or two, half hearted and actually quite dumb. It doesn't work and we all know that Jordan will uproot Palace to Cornwall if he can't get SP or Gatwick. Oh, and when we did keep-ball, they charmingly retorted "You're gonna get your fucking heads kicked in". Croydon humour, can't beat it can you?

Quotes: Erm, I can't actually think of any. Oh yeah, I have been likened to Johnny Cash because of my preferred colour of clothing. I have since seen my doctor about my ring of fire.

Palace fans: Lots of them, predictably (if there weren't, they would get chronically slaughtered). Pretty quiet for most of it, living up to their claims it's like one of their home games, except of course when we started playing keep-ball. Honestly, why does it take meek old us to get them going? Did they kick anyone's heads in BTW? Or were they more hoping to anally penetrate some of us?

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) I was nearly turned away today because of my ST. Basically, although I have a Holmesdale seat, and never had any such troubles before, my book for some reason says Stephenson. Anyway, the jobsworth got stroppy and took much convincing before she let me in. Cow. Yet another reason to nuke that site. (2) The Japanese film crew looking around for hoolies before the game. There is no truth that the editor tried to yell "You Dons" very loudly into the mic in front of a few coppers in order to boost our position in the Fans Foul Play league. Honest. (3) The Jumbotron was finally showing times and the action in play. Presumably because it was Palace playing. Anyway, needless to say you all saw who - or rather, what - came on screen three minutes before half time. He looked slightly embarrased, and the fat nazi twat hid away. Not to mention the abuse he got. I thought showing horrible incidents wasn't allowed on football ground jumbotrons?

And leading us on nicely to the [insert derogatory comment here] Yarpie: His club stripping exploits have been detailed elsewhere, we all know what we think. Transpires that because of his Panel bribing exploits (which he STILL fucked up), every FL team has to pay £10k. That is going to really go down well with the other 71 clubs isn't it? And if you happen to be a club like Hull, or Bury, or Halifax, or any other club in trouble, I wonder how finding out that you've got to pay the inbred called Charles Koppel £10k just to line his own pocket? Let's hope that a full EGM is called, and the mention that each club has to pay £10k just to get this far.....

As for Koppout himself, we all knew he turned up and we all knew he looked like he got caught in an 8 year old boy when the cameras went on him. Well, at 2.10pm, he walked very gingerly down the main stand, obviously with nobody in sight, looking pensive. Do not be fooled any longer about his swave, cool exterior (as if you ever were) - the guy is SCARED. He is clearly under so much self-induced stress that he now cannot make any decision properly, witness his current moves and official press releases. If he was an animal, he would seriously have been put down by now. Sadly, he's officially registered as a human being, and we don't have euthenasia yet, so we'll just have to put up with him for a little while yet. Still, look on the bright side, the guy will be under mental stress for the rest of his life, and at least one of us will attempt to make his life a misery for the rest of his life if he isn't (not a threat, promise or even guarantee, just cold hard fact). I am fully aware that I shouldn't wish ill on people, but this IS Koppout and I really hope the guy suffers each and every day in the worst possible way whatever happens from now on. Vindictive, moi?

Bit of football talk for once: KD's catching is better. Considering that he couldn't have caught HIV from a frat party involving Koppout, Wankelmann, J King, Jamie Theakeston and Michael Barrymore a few months ago, this is definite progress.

Anything else? Yeah - if the Dons Trust had a quid for every time the term "Landlords and Tenants" is mentioned in WFC/CPFC games, how long would it be before they could buy out the club at Hammam's price of asking?

So, was it worth it? Good question

In a nutshell: Do you honestly really care ATM?

 

13 February 2002

If you listen very, very carefully tonight, especially from a certain corner of South London, you may pick up the slight but distinct sound of WFC's bluff being called. Don't know what I'm on about? All right then, LBM have been in the news, effectively saying that regardless of what Charles Koppel tries to concoct, they'll build a stadium on Plough Lane and find somebody else to play there. Could be another soccer team (oooh, what irony), probably more likely to be somebody like the Broncos. But the hat has truely been tossed into the ring now via LBM, and you can bet your alleged free travel to Bletchley that somewhere deep in either deepest Bucks or Lincoln Inn Fields Koppout and co are stressing over just exactly how they can (not) spin their way out of this one.

The obvious reaction aside, the timing couldn't have been better. Firstly, it's publically known now - Ceefax, Guardian and other such reliable meeja sources, plus Teamtalk know about it now and it has gotten quite wide coverage. "Work to start on Plough Lane" the Ceefax headline, or something. Totally blowing out the planning permission bollocks the club were spouting, which was getting a bit too much coverage for my liking. Secondly, and to save the quote "Valentine's Day Massacre" being used, the Football League are meeting tomorrow. I doubt if they'll be looking at Koppout's surely dwindling wank fantasy, but news like today's can't exactly convince the FL to scrap their rulebook. The only, totally lame, way that Koppout can turn down PL now is by saying that he won't be making any money out of it. Perhaps that explains the "we're not making £20k" comments. I presume this will be easily countered by those who care - hell, everything else from WFC has been countered rather effortlessly.

As for the news itself, needless to say I am hopeful though very cautious. Until the first pillar is laid, until the first sod is sown, until .... hey, until the damn thing opens, I'm not going to dance up and down and cause myself permanent liver damage. But this is definitely a step in the correct direction, and let's face it, after all the shit over the last decade and more, we need good news more than ever. PROPER good news. We still have many battles to overcome, the biggest being those who purport to run this club and their immediate removal. Remove these cancer cells and who knows?

Meanwhile, I haven't commented much on the Dons Trust recently as I've been a bit too tied up ATM. Major positive reaction, at least £30k raised thus far and a strongest sense of urgency and (to use the current buzzword) community that I haven't experienced since at least 1991. Probably earlier than that, if I'm being honest. People ARE wanting to get involved, there were people helping out on Sunday that I never have seen help out on anything before (no disrespect, you know what I mean). Loads of fun, certainly, on Sunday, including an incident involving three WFC females in the Wibbas Down. To paraphrase Airplane, I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.

Oh, and it's Palace on Saturday. Bring your weapons.

 

9 February 2002

Fuck me sideways, how shit was Fairground 0 Theme Park 0? Every so often, a game comes along just to remind us all how shit (on the field) this game occasionally termed soccer can really suck the big one. How can I describe this absolute stinking pile of horse shit without totally falling asleep? It really was that bad. I cannot remember any attempts on goal, no discernable incidents, nothing. All I remember is that we played the whole game doing the neat-passing routine that has sooooo held us in good stead for not winning any matches whatsoever. Why are the team still doing it? It's not as though Stewart Robson is to blame any more, I just guess that old habits really do die hard. The rest of it? Nah....

.... oh, all right then. It's more entertaining than the game was. But then, so is Pop Idol.

Plus points: Well at least it didn't rain. And we didn't lose.

Minus points: It really did suck the big one. Ardley's crossing is truely appauling.

The referee's a........ : bloody hell, I can't even have a go at him. Jesuz, it really WAS that dull.

But did we look likely to score? Let's just say that there's a bigger chance of Princess Margaret needing a 2003 calendar than us breaking the deadlock. And yes, that was a tasteless gag.

Quotes: (1) "I heard you swearing from down there" - Drunken One to me at half time. Not such a big deal, except that he was half way down the terrace and a little way along to the left. Either he's got canine-quality hearing or I really ought to control myself a bit more often. (2) "Scally Out" - fun and games in their main stand, which did cause the occasional bit of merriment. Somebody had to.

Alcohol is bad. Very bad: Probably against my better judgement to do this, but still... the Womble to your left, known to many as "Woking" passed out at about 1.40pm or so due to consuming one two many Babychams. I mean, totally passed out. To cut a long story short, he was taken outside and started to stir. And spew. All over himself (grossed out yet?). Suffice to say, an ambulance was called and he found himself in the nearest A&E "sleeping it off". Why am I mentioning it? Not because I have a conscience all of a sudden, nor am I warning you about the evils of alcohol but simply because I wanted a major excuse to publish this pic. He's fine(ish) now BTW....

Chants would be a fine thing: Some classy ones aimed at the more romany slanted Gillingham support. From the "You're all from an extended family" (Yellow Submarine), "We've never shagged an alsation", to "The wheels on your house go round and round", the carefully crafted banter and acerbic wit was flowing from our end like the vomi... better stop there. Anyway, what did they greet us with? The somewhat disappointing "Wimbledon, wank wank wank". Bloody hell, we go to all that mental effort to raise the level of abuse to a new and more intellectual level and the opposition can't even manage a grunt. Fuck me, did they ever go to school? (er...)

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) The lingerie shop by Gills station, with some rather, ahem, interesting undergarments (in the shop window I hasten to add, no I didn't go in there). And there was me thinking that PVC was used for ashfelting. (2) Somebody getting lifted for answering their phone during the minute silence for the Queen's sister. I think I've seen it all now. (3) Smell of burning rubber in the second half. And you think the "pikey" chants are distasteful and incorrect? (4) Subject of much discussion on the train back - the performance? The current off-field cock ups? Nope. Supermarket curries, that's what. And for the record, SavaCentre curries (especially their deli ones) are the best of all. Not fucking Waitrose.

Hey, we haven't had a slag-off of thick Yarpie lawyers who is now contradicting himself to the point people could well think he's a schizo: Oh, all right then. Didn't see him today TBH, but I did have a thought. Think about this - Koppout has no respect for anyone and anything. The guy is as untrustworthy as they come. He looks like the product of some rather iffy interbreeding and would steal your horse if you had one. I'm wondering if Koppout himself is a pikey? Strip off the debonair exterior and I think we may have him sussed out. Yeah, that's it - Koppout is now hiding in a caravan somewhere in the Thames Esturary. His wife is available to everyone else in the travellers settlement and his kids wear Spiderman underpants. He probably felt very at home today then.

Terracing: The lifeblood of the game. The expanse of concrete that has spawned many friendships, battle partners and camaraderie not experienced anywhere else. The breeding ground for passion upon passion. A temple to romantic ideals and common strands of unity. Just one thing - you can't actually see that well out of them can you?

Anything else? Oh christ, you don't want me to mention about the game itself do you? Help.

So, was it worth it? What do you think?

In a nutshell: Crap.

 

3 February 2002

So, back to SP post-Panel lack of verdict, and what fun Dumb and Dumber 2 Little and Large 1 was. Well, OK, it was pissing down and I have to confess I did feel pretty miserable driving away from SP - that place really depresses me now more than ever before - but seriously, it was kewl. Wonder how the people on ITV1 saw it? They certainly saw Shipps netting twice, I'm glad he's coming back into scoring form. Actually, the game was quite similar to the game at Maine Road this year, Shipps scored twice then. Forgot what their goal was like though, I was too busy getting on telly..... :)

Needless to say, the whole thing is still being over-shadowed by the club's utter delusionment over MK. More on that later, but it's fair to say that WFC have gone beyond normal delusionment - I swear they're all on drugs in the Portakabins, nobody outside parliament can be that out of touch? Surely?

Meanwhile....

Plus points: We won. Done the double over City. Who are top and unbeaten in 11 games, lest we forget. Nobody played badly. Shipps netting (and netting well) was pleasing to see. Defence held up quite well, save for their goal.

Minus points: Conceding a goal. The sheer desolation I still feel about our current plight.

Weather with you: Yeuch, yeuch and yeuch again. I didn't think that global warming was supposed to make places wetter.

The referee's a......... : This quote may sum him up : "Is it me or has every decision gone against us since we scored?". Actually, he wasn't bad, and he DID send dirty cheat Pearce off. And I don't care if he's got nice thighs* or not.

* - Apparently. The vast majority of female football fans I know seem to think so anyway.

City fans: Loads of them, from the Loyalist Fans In The Entire World™. Bit quiet though. And they've STILL got those fucking sad inflatable bananas.

If this doesn't cheer you up today, nothing will (did me): Dicky Guy's comments on ITV1 at half time. Excellent and then some. Glad to see he's getting exposure as well after all these years.

And if you're not pissed off already with WFC Ltd... : Get hold of their official statement re: MK/Panel/PL etc. Just read it.

Quotes: (1) "Small town in Stockport" - us to the Shitty fans. Not entirely inaccurate, as many if not most of their fans are from Stockport. Only team in Manchester my arse. (2) "8-0" - hand painted banner in Whitehorse Lane end. Excellent work guys, just hope you managed to play Avoid The Steward. (3) "You're worse than Charlie Koppel" - somewhat nasty rib given to a wayward Shitty shot. Now come on guys, that shot wasn't THAT bad.

And speaking of the extremely lovable, humble, easy going, and in no way shape or form totally out of his depth and swimming up shit creek sans paddle honest Yarpie duty solicitor in training: Guess what? He turned up to an OWFF meeting. Which apparently was most fun. Spats between him and Gene Saunders of LBM were, ahem, reported. Unsubstanciated rumours that Mr Koppel turned a rather interesting shade of purple when one OWFF leading light (you all know who he is. Koppout certainly does) accused him of "perverting the course of justice" over OWFF/HBRA Panel representation are of course unsubstanciated. No, I don't actually know what happened before, during or indeed afterwards, but if only I had been a fly on the wall.....

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) Again, the whole thing seems, well, depressing. I know we won, but I didn't half feel lousy coming back. Thankfully, Dicky Guy saved me from hitting the bottle big time tonight. (2) There was this pigeon in the City goalmouth in the second half which just sat there and pecked away. I kid you not, it hardly moved. I understand TB was considering signing it up for the reserves tomorrow. (3) After Stuart "ooooh, he's got lovely thighs" Pearce got dismissed, he decided to take residence in the mild mannered main stand. There is no truth to the rumour that Mr C.R Koppout crapped himself.

SW19's ARMY - meeja whore: Got my mug on HTV in Wales, when being asked what I thought of Hammam. I await the court action. Also ended up supporting (inbetween snap shooting which annoyed the stewards) a big blue "Show Me The Way To Plough Lane" banner at the front. Which got on telly. Which was nice.

Anything else? Yeah. Join the Dons Trust.

So, was it worth it? At the moment, I am taking any sort of crumb of comfort I can get.

In a nutshell: The battle continues

Now, I've got no idea whether any of this ended up on telly, but there was an impromptu protest in the ground/directors entrance. Point made, etc etc. It's clear to me that WFC are fast losing whatever friends they ever had over this.

Anyway, WFC now have two new lines of attack. The first is that planning around Plough Lane is impossible, which is funnily enough totally contradictory to what everyone else is saying. Hmm. As usual, WFC are resorting to taking quotes out of context to try and support their obscenely flimsy arguments for murdering us, and as usual everyone can see through them. However, the club have managed to surpass even themselves - they are having to resort to using quotes from Sam Hammam to justify their stance. Are WFC really that thick? Nobody believes Hammam any more than they believe Koppout these days. If it wasn't for the fact that this whole affair is stressing us all out to the point of serious damage I would honestly laugh at all this. Fuck me.

The second line of attack is from Koppout himself. He's given up on admin and is now threatening to close WFC down if he doesn't get to kill football. Well come on and try it then. Nobody takes his idle threats seriously anyway - firstly, Koppout is as dishonest as the day is long, he's proven that (and funnily enough has never sued anyone for calling him a liar). Secondly, on the very rare occasion that he may actually be telling the truth, he wouldn't get far anyway. Koppout's, ahem, friends at the FL can spot any such maniac behaviour a mile off, and the thought of Koppout swivelling on something other than Peter Wankelmann's rancid cock is a sight for the sorest of sore eyes. While I have to be careful here, I do wonder if Koppout actually has the bottle to do it. Given the way he's bottled everything else, I wouldn't put my car on it...